Armed Polite Society

Main Forums => The Roundtable => Topic started by: Guest on June 26, 2005, 04:01:57 PM

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: Guest on June 26, 2005, 04:01:57 PM

Have at it..let's hear some groaners.

How Long Must This Go On?

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

Don't get up," said the American, "I'm in the aisle seat; I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it.

When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: Guest on June 26, 2005, 04:59:47 PM

Ha! What's scary is, I actually get that!

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: garyk/nm on June 26, 2005, 07:03:28 PM

Renee Descartes was out for dinner one evening. He enjoyed a nice burgundy with his meal and after a full bottle the serving wench asked if he would like another. "I think not" replied Renee.
 And poof! he was gone.

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: Werewolf on June 27, 2005, 05:27:42 AM

Quote

"I think not" replied Renee. And poof! he was gone.

Hah! Took a moment but I finally got it. DUH!

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: mhdishere on June 27, 2005, 06:34:24 AM

A mushroom walks into a bar.  The bartender says "We don't serve your kind in here".  The mushroom replies "Why not?  I'm a fun guy."

I tell that one to my wife EVERY TIME we have something with mushrooms.  She just rolls her eyes.

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: Sean Smith on June 27, 2005, 07:25:45 AM

Slightly risqué perhaps... my favorite bad joke.

Why are women bad at math?

Because they've been told for years that this (hold finger and thumb tiny distance apart)... is nine inches.

Alternate version: wiggle your pinkie.

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: Winston Smith on June 27, 2005, 07:30:31 AM

Two atoms were hanging out one day, and one looked really sad. "What's wrong?" one said to the other. "Oh, I'm sad because I lost an electron." the second replied. "Are you sure?"

"I'm positive."

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: Nathaniel Firethorn on June 27, 2005, 07:45:53 AM

A man walks into a bar with a frog on his head. Barkeep does a double-take and says, "What can I get you?" Frog says, "Got anything that can get this wart off my bum?"

- NF

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: client32 on June 27, 2005, 08:18:04 AM

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ba-dum ching

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: Brrlgrrl on June 27, 2005, 08:33:40 AM

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: BrokenPaw on June 27, 2005, 09:14:39 AM

Two peanuts were walking down the street.
.
.
.
.
.
.
One of them was a salted.

-BP

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: Azrael256 on June 27, 2005, 12:22:59 PM

I've been telling this one for about two decades.  I don't get it, but my grandparents think it's the funniest thing they've ever heard.

Why do ducks have flat feet?

To stamp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks.

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: wmenorr67 on June 27, 2005, 12:26:30 PM

If you want to see a bad joke see thread about fireworks on the 4th.

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: Werewolf on June 27, 2005, 01:34:05 PM

An Army private and a Navy Seaman are in a head taking a leak.

The army guy finishes first and walks over to the sink to wash his hands.

The Navy guy finishes and starts to walk out when the Army guy stops him.

Hey - aren't you gonna wash yur hands? In the Army we are taught to always wash our hands.

The Navy guy responds:

YEAH - well in the Navy we're taught not to piss on our selves when we take a leak...

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: BryanP on June 27, 2005, 02:43:45 PM

A baby seal walks into a club.




There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses.  I thought the results were pretty interesting: 85% of women think their ass is too fat... 10% of women think their ass is too skinny... The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.  

My wife loves that last one.

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: DJJ on June 27, 2005, 02:47:41 PM

Q: What do you call four Mexicans in a leaky boat?

A: Cuatro sinko.

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: Lee on June 27, 2005, 04:31:02 PM

What's the hardest thing about roller-blading?




Telling your father that your gay.

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: Fly320s on June 27, 2005, 06:09:37 PM

A woman walks into her kitchen and sees her husband stalking around with a fly-swatter.

She asks, "What are you doing?"

He replies, "Hunting flies.  I've killed 3 males and 2 females."

Baffled, she asks, "How do you tell if they are male or female."

The husband replies, "Easy... the 3 males were in a beer bottle and the 2 females were on the phone."

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: enfield on June 27, 2005, 06:54:19 PM

When I was a kid I had a dog that didn't have a nose.

HOW DID HE SMELL???

Terrible.

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: J.J. on June 27, 2005, 07:31:20 PM

Quote from: Azrael256

I've been telling this one for about two decades.  I don't get it, but my grandparents think it's the funniest thing they've ever heard.

Why do ducks have flat feet?

To stamp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks.

I love that one! You get it or you don't..... I have noticed that when I tell it.

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: J.J. on June 27, 2005, 07:33:47 PM

Three elephants fall off a cliff -

 Two of them hit the ground.  One falls into a river

Ba-Da-Boom Ching....

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: grampster on June 28, 2005, 03:43:32 AM

Horse walks into the bar.  Bartender says, "Why the long face?"

Three legged dog walks into the bar.  Bartender says, "How can I help you?"  Dog says, "I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw."

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: erik the bold on June 28, 2005, 05:25:29 AM

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to
go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under
the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog,Spike. He won't bother you. But,
whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I
REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just
as ! she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman
go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain
himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike

----------------------------------------------------------

((((RING)))) (((RING)))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause...

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit
the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

"Swimming pool??? .....Is this 555-7039??"

---------------------------------------------------------

 A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."


Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Anthony Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.


The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.


She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Anthony Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
-
-
-
-
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just couldn't resist.........

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: yesterdaysyouth on June 28, 2005, 05:52:16 AM

Just ask your buddy....

"have you got tickets yet?"

"tickets to what?"

flex your biceps and say...

"the gun show"

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: Guest on June 28, 2005, 07:49:51 AM

Why are black basketball players so tall?

 Because their knee grows.

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: BryanP on June 28, 2005, 08:06:47 AM

A visiting minister during the offertory prayer:

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his
upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued but, at that moment, one very obedient little
girl (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to her
mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy,
WHAT is butt dust?" Church was pretty much over at that point...

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: Antibubba on June 28, 2005, 09:54:37 AM

A priest and a rabbi in a small town were old friends, but they were always jibing each other on religious matters.

One summer day at a town social, the priest was eating a piece of ham.  "Rabbi", he said, "this piece of ham is absolutely delicious!  Mrs. Hemdall made it, and her honey-glazed ham always wins prizes at the state fair.  It's really silly that something this delicious is outlawed by your religion."  He smiled and said, "When are you going to have some?"

The rabbi smiled and said, "I'll have a piece at your wedding reception".

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: Guest on June 28, 2005, 04:32:42 PM

A Kansas Farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and
knocked at the farmhouse door.

A young boy about 12 opened the door. "Is yer Dad home?" the
farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the farmer, "is yer Mom here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to
the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked
politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to
yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly
Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa
about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa
charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: Nathaniel Firethorn on June 29, 2005, 03:01:27 AM

In the vein of frog jokes:

A frog, a duck, and a skunk were bragging about how much money they had. So which one had the bragging rights?





















Well, the duck had a bill...


















And the frog had a green back...


















But the skunk only had a scent. And it was a bad one!


- NF

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: grampster on June 29, 2005, 04:59:43 PM

A priest, a rabbi and a preacher walked into the bar.  The bartender says, "What is this? A joke?"

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: SMLE on June 29, 2005, 08:55:49 PM

Didja hear the one about the dyslexic who walked into a bra and ordered a double?

A seal walks into a bar and the bartender says; "What'll ya have?" and the seal says; "Anything but a Canadian Club."

Two blondes are standing on opposites banks of a river. One yells to the other; "How do I get to the other side?" To which the other replies; "DUH! You're already ON the other side!"

One day, Pierre the famous French fighter pilot is having a picnic lunch with a lovely young lady on the banks of the Seine. As things get warmer, the young lady says; "Kiss me Pierre!" So Pierre grabs some red wine from the picnic basket and pours some on her lips. "What are you doing!?" she asks. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot and when I have red meat, I have red wine." They kiss for a while and she then says "Oh Pierre, kiss me lower." Pierre opens her blouse and then pulls out a bottle of white wine and pours some on her breasts. "What are you doing?" He replies, "I am Pierree the fighter pilot, when I have white meat, I have white wine!" He then procedes to kiss her breasts. She then moans; "Oh Peirre, kise me LOWER!" So Pierre lifts her skirt, pulls off her panties, grabs a bottle of brandy, pours some on her crotch and then strikes a match to it. The young lady leaps into the river to put out the fire. As she climbs out, she demands; "Are you crazy? What did you do that for?" To which he replies; "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in FLAMES!"

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: Strings on June 29, 2005, 09:09:52 PM

*GROAN*

That was bad on SO many levels...

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: mhdishere on June 30, 2005, 04:43:43 AM

How about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stayed awake all night pondering the existence of his dog?

Dyslexics of the world UNTIE!

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: Strings on June 30, 2005, 05:32:12 AM

I've got a couple...





 Sarah Brady






Chuck Schumer






Ted Kennedy






SCOTUS






Diane Feinstein






Oh... you wanted FUNNY bad jokes...

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: Nathaniel Firethorn on June 30, 2005, 08:03:20 AM

Warning, tasteless... Art's grandma might want to avoid. Decoder here.

How do you make a cat go woof?

Fbnx vg va tnfbyvar na yvtug n zngpu. JBBS!

How do you make a dog go meow?

Serrmr vg va yvdhvq avgebtra naq chg vg guebhtu n onaqfnj. ZRRRRRRRBBBBBBJJJJ!

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: K Frame on June 30, 2005, 08:09:46 AM

Cogito ergo Palomino.

I don't know what it means, but it is a clear case of putting Descarte before the horse.

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: K Frame on June 30, 2005, 08:28:50 AM

A penguin takes his snowmobile to the shop because it's not running right. The shop guy tells him it's going to be a while, so the penguin decides to go to the diner and get some ice cream.

Well, Mr. Penguin isn't exactly the neatest eater, and he ends up getting Ice cream all overhimself.

He walks back into the garage and asks the mechanic what's wrong with his snowmobile.

The mechanic glances up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

And the penguin yells "IT'S JUST VANILLA ICE CREAM!"

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: BobCat on June 30, 2005, 08:53:22 AM

Good:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many.  Then, he discovered the problem - a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."  The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.

Better:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar.  A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo - of handcuffs.

Best:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.  As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."

He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."  There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.  He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.  She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: BobCat on June 30, 2005, 08:55:52 AM

Ok, can't resist, one more:



 The Cleveland Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth.  In the piece,
 there's a long passage -- about 20 minutes -- during which the bass violinists
 have nothing to do.  Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some
 bass players decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a
 quick one.  After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists
 are prone to do), one of them looked at her watch.  "Hey! We need to get
 back!" she said.  No need to panic," said another bass player.  "I thought we
 might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's
 score together with a string.  It'll take her a few minutes to get it untangled."

 A few moments later, they staggered back to the concert hall and took their
 places in the orchestra.  About this time, a member of the audience noticed the
 conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.  "Well, of
 course," said her companion.  "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the
 score is tied, and the basses are loaded."

Title: Bad joke thread..
Post by: SalukiFan on June 30, 2005, 11:48:32 AM

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillow?

It's making headlines all over.