Twas the night before Christmas, and I was so pissed,
I was doing my work, and checking my list,
to see who was still good, and who still sucked rocks,
Smith & Wessons still bad, Im dumping Ruger's stock.
Then out on the perimeter, there came a loud yell,
some cursing, and screaming, and the sound of sleigh bells.
Some snorting and pawing, and a red blinking light,
Some one was in the barbed wire, and hung up real tight.
I grabbed my Barrett .50, and to the embrasure did dash,
jammed an eye to the scope, and focused the glass.
I dialed him in, and drew a solid bead,
he was stuck in real good, there was no need for lead.
I had him right there, he was dead in my sights,
I knew it just then, it was going to be a good night.
For there in the wire, hung fat old St. Nick,
And some juicy reindeer, from which I could pick.
I grabbed the microphone, and yelled in the PA,
Hey there, fat boy, what did you bring me today?
I want a new Dillon, and some 231,
some once-fired cases, and a Beeman pellet gun!
You take that there bag, and drop it off of the sleight,
Unharness the reindeer, and you can just walk away.
Theres just no need, for you to get hurt,
But Ive told you before, this here is MY turf!
Then the veins on the forehead, popped out really far,
The next thing I knew, he had whipped out a BAR,
He pulled free of the wire, and ripped off a long burst,
Bullets were flying, and kicking up frozen dirt.
Irwin you nut, you crazy SOB!
Im trying to bring presents, for under your tree!
I just want to drop, and then I will go,
I wont even set foot, on your precious compound, you know!
Every year we do this, its the same damn thing,
You snipe my reindeer, and try to take me on the wing!
Well Im tired of this crap, you can kiss my jolly A**!
Youre nothing but a troll, Ive never seen someone so crass!
And then with a curse, he jumped in his sleigh,
Threw some presents overboard, and got under way.
And I heard him exclaim, as he flew out of sight,
What next, Claymores? What a crappy crappy night!
