http://www.claypigeonmag.com/Article.aspx?IssueID=&ArticleID=141U.S. Dollar Going to Pot
The United States dollar, once the undisputed monetary champion of the world, has recently plummeted against more reliable world currencies, such as the British Pound, the Japanese Yen and the Botswanan Pula. The federal government would have you believe that this is due to the complex interplay of various economic and social forces beyond our control, but we at the Clay Pigeon have learned that simple explanations make for more engaging articles.
Originally, the dollar was based on our supply of gold. If you had a dollar bill, you could actually go to the federal government and trade your paper bill for a little lump of gold. The government found this inconvenient, because it meant that for every dollar they printed, they actually had to have a little lump of gold, and gold is expensive. So way back when, they changed the rules a little and promised that they would deliver a little lump of gold to anyone who asked for one, provided that no one actually asked for one. Much more convenient. Then they decided that since no one was actually going to ask for the gold, it wasn't really that important that they had the gold at all.
So now the dollar is worth something because, well, everybody assumes its worth something. Instead of being based on gold, the dollar is based on trust that the federal government wont print any more money than it really needs. This is, as standards go, not quite on par with a shiny metal that can be made into pretty trinkets. Surprisingly, this system has been known to break down, as when the government decides that it really needs to bring democracy to Afghanistan or midnight basketball to Philadelphia.
The Clay Pigeons monetary policy panel suggests a two-pronged solution to this problem.
First, there is the matter of currency devaluation caused by indiscriminate printing of money. Dont misunderstand us: clearly the federal government needs to be able to continue printing insane amounts of money with impunity. We suggest that from now on, however, the government only be allowed to print foreign currency. Perhaps we could print a run of a hundred billion Euros to warm up. Then maybe a few trillion Brazilian Pesos or Nepalese Rupees. This would simultaneously give our treasury more money and weaken foreign currencies relative to ours. We could even target uppity little countries that we feel are getting out of line. If the Danish piss us off, we crash their economy by printing a few bazillion Krones.
Second, it is essential that we peg our currency to some commodity that is universally recognized as valuable. Sure, gold or silver would work, but the fact is that precious metals are a little old school. After all, were running a 21st century economy here, not a pirate ship. We need a commodity that is sufficiently rare, and yet considered valuable by todays sophisticated and educated citizenry. We suggest marijuana.
Federal, state and local governments confiscate millions of tons of precious giggle weed every year, which they burn in vast quantities without even having the decency to put on a Pink Floyd record first. This loco could be freeze-dried and stored in vast government facilities with names like Fort Ganja and the United States' Federal Hash Reserve. We could put it right next to the Federal Doritos Repository.
Of course, Joe Citizen wouldnt be able to turn his dollars in for a dime bag. That would be irresponsible. Marijuana is a dangerous drug which must remain at all times in the hands of the squares. But that doesnt change the fact that its extremely valuable. The federal government would not be allowed to print more money than could be justified by the current street value of the total U.S. supply of hippie lettuce.
By following these simple suggestions, we can once again make the U.S. dollar the benchmark for world currencies. No longer will we be embarrassed to carry American currency in foreign lands. Everywhere we go, people will see what were holding and say with awe, Damn, thats some high quality green.
