This would be a lot funnier if it weren't true.
The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC, 20510
Dear Senator Harkin,
As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the
Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for
your assistance. I have contacted the Department
of Homeland Security in an effort to determine
the process for becoming an illegal alien and they
referred me to you.
My primary reason for wishing to change my status
from US Citizen to illegal alien stems from the
bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for
which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's
provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has
been in the United States for five years, all I need
to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine
and income taxes for three of the last five years.
I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious
to get the process started before everyone figures
it out.
Simply put, those of us who have been here legally
have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited
about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes
in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any
way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively?
This would yield an excellent result for me and my
family be cause we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.
Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using
the local emergency room as my primary health care
provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for
medical insurance, my accountant figures I could
save almost $10,000 a year.
Another benefit in gaining illegal status is that
my daughter would receive preferential treatment
relative to her law school applications, as well as
'in-state' tuition rates for many colleges throughout
the United States for my son.
Lastly, I understand that illegal status would
relieve me the burden of renewing my driver's license
and making those burdensome car insurance premiums.
This is very important to me given that I still have
college age children driving my car.
If you would provide me with an outline of the
process to become illegal (retroactively if possible)
and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most
appreciative.
Thank you for your assistance.
Your Loyal Constituent,
Donald Ruppert
Burlington, IA
