A question for OLDER Parents

[Werewolf]

I'm 56 years old. Raised 3 wonderful daughters to adulthood and have 5 grandchildren.

In the last year I have been raising my niece's baby. He's a wonderful little boy, happy, loving, full of life and a pure joy to be around.

My wife and I are in the process of adopting him. We both love him very much and it is the right thing to do.

That said:
My only worry is my age. When Jonas is 20 I'll be 76. When he's 10, 66. I can feel myself slowing down already at 56 and that's a concern. Not that I'll die or anything, 3 out of 5 grandparents made it into their 90's and they smoked; I don't. No worries there barring some accident.

But I am worried that I won't be able to participate in his life like a younger father would and the effect that will have on him. Playing tag with my grandsons wears me out - how much worse at 60 or 65? Oh I'll be able to teach him to catch a ball, and shoot a rifle and handgun I suppose but what about all the other things like wrestling with him, running, playing tag-football, etc. What's he going to think when we're out and all the other boys have 20 or 30 something Dad's doing all those things with him that I can't.

Troublesome...

[TexasRifleman]

What's he going to think when we're out and all the other boys have 20 or 30 something Dad's doing all those things with him that I can't.

If you are taking care of the important things, he won't notice.

I had a friend growing up in a similar situation.  We all liked to go to his house because he had the cool dad.  We didn't need playmates.

While the younger dads were at work, his dad (retired) was at home, always ready to go fishing, hunting, give us a ride somewhere, whatever.

[Jamisjockey]

Increase your life insurance and make sure there is a will that takes care of the finer details.

[ArfinGreebly]

I wouldn't worry too much about the "running, jumping, climbing trees" thing and the "other kids' dads" business.

The other kids will be green with envy.

Your kid gets to go shooting on weekends.  Gets to go fishing.  Gets to learn all kinds of cool stuff that the other dads don't have time to teach.

I have a couple of granddaughters, aged 3 and 5 years.  Their dad and mom (my daughter) have the typical frantic working-for-a-living life.  My daughter has somehow (hey, don't look at me) learned that, regardless of what else is going on, it's important to spend weekend time with the girls.  However, they can't afford some of the toys I have, so when it's time for the range, it will be grampa's guns and ammo they learn with.

I've lived a little bit of life that not everyone gets to, so I have some other things I can teach.  And I have other things I will want to teach, but I must first learn them myself (or learn again, in some cases).

By the time the older girl is ten, I expect her to be able to tie every knot in the book, start a fire without matches, and make shelter.  Oh, and knock over ten consecutive tin cans at 30 yards.

I don't run and jump much any more, but I can still toss a mean Frisbee.

Play to your strengths.

Make one of those strengths "time and understanding."

You'll be fine.

[Hutch]

Also, consider the alternatives.  D'ya think the child would be better of with his (relatively) older adoptive parent, or with your niece, or with some other player to be named later?  You'll be fine.

[grislyatoms]

First off, congrats! That's a fine thing to do.

Perhaps I see it a little differently, all that activity is going to help keep you young.

P.S. I remember playing catch with my Grandma on a few occasions. Grandma couldn't catch anything. (Come to think of it, she couldn't throw all that well, either   ) Didn't matter. The fact that she took the time out, just for me, mattered. That was over thirty years ago and I still remember it like it was yesterday.

You'll be fine.

[cassandra and sara's daddy]

he'll keep you young. i'll be 71 when my youngest is 21. i think about it much the same as you do but all i can do is the best i can. i am eating right and looking after myself better. i wanna live longer now and that wasn't always the case

[Henry Bowman]

What's he going to think when we're out and all the other boys have 20 or 30 something Dad's doing all those things with him that I can't.

He IS going to notice.  When he does, talk to him about it.  Don't sweat it.

Keep in mind now that the alternative to you raising him is probably something much worse. Keep in mind later that there are things you can do to offset any physical inability you lack.  You have 3 daughters and 5 grangchildren who can contribute certain experiences.  Also, if you can retire early (or on time), his friends may be jealous of him and the flexibility of the time you can share with him.

My wife and I are in the process of adopting him. We both love him very much and it is the right thing to do.

My parents were older than those of my friends.  I didn't want that for my children.  Guess what? My wife and I waited a long time -- and then had infutility problems.  We have since formed our family by adoption (2 kids).   What a joy!  I'll be 50 when my youngest is 10; 60 when he is 20.

[roo_ster]

Good on ya, WW.

Several others have addressed the age thing.  It has good & bad points, but the bottom line is that your soon-to-be son will be raised by good folks.  That's more than many can say.  I bet the millions of kids raised by single folks or raised in the child-welfare system would have dearly wished to be your soon-to-be son, with two loving parents instead of just one...or none.

[cassandra and sara's daddy]

one of the benefits is that i am much mellower and would like to delude myself into thinking also wiser. i wasn't either as a young man.   the kids very lucky to have folks who care in his life

[ctdonath]

What's he going to think when we're out and all the other boys have 20 or 30 something Dad's doing all those things with him that I can't.

He should be thinking how thankful he is that he HAS a dad - and a good, even if not "ideal", one - instead of a neglectful, abusive, absent, or dead one.

Being the 40yo father of a 5-month-old, I observe that while I may or may not have what a younger father may offer, I can hopefully offer a relatively affluent home and a wise confident father who can provide the trully good things in life. Those 20 or 30 something dads are still trying to learn and earn what I've already got.

[freedom lover]

i'll be 71 when my youngest is 21

Wow. When I'm 21 my dad will be 60. His age hasn't detrimentally affected the way he brought me up. Unfortunatly I wasn't able to play with him as often as I would have liked because he was usually tired or busy in the afternoon, but he did teach me to work hard physically.

The greatest problem with biologically fathering children when you're older is that they're more likely to be born with mental and physical problems. At least, it seems that way to me because that's how I turned out. So did the grandchildren of my great-great-grandfather, who was in his 80's when he had their parents. 

 

[Werewolf]

Thanks guys. There is much wisdon in your words but then one would expect nothing less from this group.

Here's a couple of pics of the little feller. In the first one he's 4 or 5 months old. In the 2nd he's 8 or 9 months old. If he retains the curls and those deep blue eyes he's gonna be a real lady's man when he grows up.

[Grandpa Shooter]

I was 34 when my sons were born.  It took me that long to understand the difference between fathering a child and being a parent.  You have what it takes to be a good parent to that very lucky young man.  Go for it and don't sweat the small stuff.  My son figured out at about 15 that I was the age of his friends Grandparents.  He liked that.

[Antibubba]

When he visits you at the nursing home, you can teach him how to hit on the nurses.   

[BamBam-31]

I'm only 35 (my boy is three, my daughter is nine months), so what do I know, eh? 

I do know this:  As someone mentioned above, it's the TIME you spend with the child that matters.  Even when young, children already understand that TIME=LOVE.  As they mature, they'll come to appreciate even more the sacrifices you made to raise them, to nuture them, to play with them, to fill their lives with joy and structure.  Above all, however, they'll remember that you cared enough to spend the time.

[wquay]

I second the comment that you don't have to be a playmate to be a parent.

I had a roommate in college with a dad in his 70's. Earl respected his dad, and they went on cruises, camping, to hockey games, etc. The dynamic was certainly different, but not in a bad way.

If anything, the average American kid needs "older" parents...

[HankB]

. . . I can feel myself slowing down already at 56 and that's a concern. Not that I'll die or anything, 3 out of 5 grandparents made it into their 90's and they smoked; I don't.

Since you're implying longevity in your line, I'm thinking your Mom had a biological mother and father . . . making two grandparents. Your Dad must also have had a biological mother and father . . . two more grandparents.

I'm having a hard time identifying #5 . . .

[grampster]

I'm 65.  You are only as old as you choose to be.  SWMBO asks me when I'm going to grow up.  My reply: "We only need one adult in the family.  Tag! you're it!)
 
You have much more wisdom and less arrogance now.  That will play well in the raising of a child.  As you age, you will delight more in the simple things and think less of yourself than you will of the child.  (That actually shows by your doing as you are today)  That will be of benefit to the child as well.

Not to worry.  You are a fortunate man.

[Werewolf]

. . . I can feel myself slowing down already at 56 and that's a concern. Not that I'll die or anything, 3 out of 5 grandparents made it into their 90's and they smoked; I don't.

Since you're implying longevity in your line, I'm thinking your Mom had a biological mother and father . . . making two grandparents. Your Dad must also have had a biological mother and father . . . two more grandparents.

I'm having a hard time identifying #5 . . .

3 of 4... Typo  But then maybe I'm the product of a space alien with 3 sexes and a human crossbreed.    [twilight zone theme] do do do do - do do do do [/twilight zone them]

Maternal Grandad 95
Maternal Grandma 92
Paternal Grandma 90
Paternal Granddad 52

Odds are I'll make it to my 80's. I'm not sweatin' the dying thing.

You have much more wisdom and less arrogance now.  That will play well in the raising of a child.  As you age, you will delight more in the simple things and think less of yourself than you will of the child.

Funny you should mention that. You are correct sir. I find myself spending much more time with Jonas and putting him first than - I am ashamed to admit - than I did with my 3 daughters. Reflecting back on those years and how often I put me first it is amazing that my girls even talk to me let alone seem to actually like me (well - two of 'em anyway). Probably genetic programming - yeah - that's the ticket. Programmed to like parents.

[BrokenPaw]

WW,

Being a dad is more about attitude than about physical capability.  A dad in a wheelchair can't go rock-climbing with his son, but he can be proud of his son for doing it.  A deaf dad may not be able to hear the music, but he can show up at his son's school concerts and clap with all the other parents.

Every person has limitations and things they cannot do.  But one thing you, specifically, can do for this boy is to be his dad.  There's no checklist of things that you're "supposed" to do with him; the things that you do do with him out of love are the things that will be the most important to him, and he'll not lack for a good childhood simply because you weren't able to do everything a younger dad might.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

-BP

[Balog]

I'm 25; my father is 75. He had serious health issues when I was very young, and never did any running jumping playing etc with me. None of that mattered.