Relationship harassment!

[thebaldguy]

I never thought of myself as a victim...until now...

I am in a committed relationship with my girlfriend. I guess "girlfriend" is not a proper term, as my girl and I have been "living in sin" since the spring of 1988. We love each other, own a house together, own two cars together, share bank/brokerage accounts, and even have each other as beneficiaries on savings bonds and life insurance. We are "married" in every sense of the word except legally. Here in Minnesota, there is no such thing as "common law" marriage. My girl always jokes that if she didn't love me, she would have thrown me out years ago. By the way, she is a shooter as well. I love this woman!

Here's the problem: there are numerous female co-workers who have serious moral/ethical objections to our relationship. Negative comments have been rampant; I have ignored them for two years. My male co-workers don't care; they say, as long as we are both happy, who cares, right? I have put up with numerous comments from women such as, "if you love her, you'd marry her", or "I would never live with a man who wouldn't marry me", or, "what kind of woman would live with a man?". There have been many comments about her alleged "moral character" as well due to our relationship. I ignore the comments. Trust me, if she had problems with me, she is bold enough to throw me out. Really!

Women's opinions about my relationship at work boiled over this week at work. One woman stated loudly that "men are afraid to commit". I responded by saying, "some women are soooooooooooooo insecure that they need their relationship to be sanctioned by a church or state. They need the sanction of god and government over the word of an individual". They then went to Human Resources claiming that I am sexist and used sexual stereotypes. I had a "come to Jesus meeting(read the riot act)" meeting with my managers this morning. I defended myself with the fact that my relationship is my business, and my business alone. They told me to go back to HR and defend myself of the alligations. You can see that this situation at work is getting ugly, and will only get worse. It's going to turn into he said/she said, with only degrees of losing, with no winners.

I am going to tell HR next week that I was offended by the statements by the women in my department. As a white male, I already understand that I am an underdog here. I'm already thinking about a "lawyer up" over the comments. I am an "at will" employee, and know that they can fire me at any time for any reason. Does anyone have any other suggestions as to how to handle this situation?

Thank you in advance for your advice. Those that advise us to get married tomorrow will be sentenced to a lifetime membership to our least favorite anti gun group, my choice.

[Guest]

I'd make a formal complaint. Marital status is protected against harrassment and discrimination.

(To clarify: as long as you aren't gay, its protected. If you were both the same gender, you'd be fair game.)

[P95Carry]

I take that all as somewhat of an invasion of your privacy.  You have a valid complaint but -

You and your SO have decided your lifestyle and degree of commitment - far as I am concerned anyone whining about it should go take a hike!!  Nosey, interfering, nothing-better-to-do idiots.

As to action - hey - ignore if at all possible and don't give these third parties the satisfaction of them seeing it get to you.  Flip them the bird - metaphorically!  I fear ''action'' could end up with you getting shot in the foot.

[Guest]

I'd agree if the local hens hadn't started squawking but since they have, he should file his own complaint. His is much more valid than theirs, (based on what he's written.)

[Jamisjockey]

Let me preface this with the fact that I work for the gubmint.  Its a system that encourages harrassment allegations on race, creed, sex and age, regardless of foundation.  BTDT with comments that were construed as racist and sexual harrassment.  
A) Stop discussing your relationship.  Work is work.  Make it clear that your relationship is off limits.  If anyone (especially the women) brings it up in an unfriendly context, make it clear that you are uncomfortable in the conversation and tell your supervisor.  Write down times, dates, places in the office, witnesses and your best recollection of what was said.
B) Find a labor attorney, and pay the retainer fee.  
C) Stop discussing your personal life.
D) Did I mention stop discussing your personal life?
E) Grovel before HR.  They are the evil catberts that control life.  Apologize for creating a scene and having an outburst.  Make it clear that you were made uncomfortable by the women, that they are stereotyping your, asking uncomfortable questions, and harrassing you about your lifestyle choices.  Choose your words carefully.  If you've gotten yourself a labor attorney, bring them.
F) if all else fails, claim you are gay/bisexual/transgendered.  That'll stop HR in thier tracks.  

[Guest]

I was wrong (write that down.)

Marital status is not federally protected. It may be by your state. Either way, like Jamis said..don't discuss it.

[Guest]

This is going to sound terribly sexist of me but I think its advice that bears saying. If you are having any kind of social problems in a workplace that involve women in any way YOU need to speak to your boss before they do. I'm not saying to make a formal complaint necessarily, but you need to at least have that person advised of the situation before it boils over. It is simply too easy for a woman to file a harrassment complaint against you, and by then its just too late to get your side out.

I used to work in a facility that was about 80% female. I have witnessed groups of employees getting together and actually debating wether they should file sexual harrassment suits against other's simply because of disagreements or personal conflicts. This has become an accepted means of dealing with interpersonal issues in the workplace today.

[Guest]

I don't think that's (well, necessarily) sexist. The first person to complain usually gets listened to. And the 2nd person is often perceived as complaining in retaliation, but if there's no complaint from them at all, they're often railroaded.

[MillCreek]

JamisJockey has some very good advice, particularly his bullet point 'E'.  One can probably not go too far wrong by saying that you are sorry your remarks were misunderstood, but upon further reflection, can readily see how these remarks could be interpreted in the fashion that they were, and that you will be more careful in the future.  Thank them for their advice and counsel.

[Standing Wolf]

Obviously, we need a lot more government involvement in these matters.

[brimic]

Obviously, we need a lot more government involvement in these matters.

LOL

[Tallpine]

They are probably just jealous that your non-marraige relationship is working better than their marraige(s)  :-P

Sometimes I get so sick of people .... :-(

Either smooth it over and don't discuss your personal life at work, or find another job or start your own business if practicle.

[thebaldguy]

I have been doing some legal reasearch. Our company handbook states "We do not approve of or condone harassment or inappropriate work behavior on the basis of race, gender, age, religion, color, national origin, sexual orientation, physical or mental disability, pregnancy, MARITAL STATUS (my bold type) or veteran status.

I had brought to my manager's attention in the past that I felt that some comments made about my relationship were derogatory and mean spirited. I also pointed out that I have a thick skin, and that I felt this was not a major problem. I am not the type that goes running to tell on people; I feel that makes for a bad workplace. She even thanked me for not being overly sensitive. However, the comments continued, and even got worse. By taking the high road however, I have put myself into an awkward position, and feel I must file a complaint. I am consulting with our lawyer about the situation today. We'll see what he says. My managers have stated that I am not in danger of losing my job, and that this will not affect my employment. They are reasonable and understanding, and know that I am not a sexist or racist. My immediate manager stated that the complaint was frivilous, but they were required by HR to address the issue with me.

Tallpine, your comment was right on; the women who complained do have bad relationships. How did you know that? (Insert crazy laugh track here!) I hear nothing but derogatory comments about their own relationships. I often wonder why their men stay with them. Oh, that's right! They're married! (Insert another crazy laugh track!)

Keep the comments and suggestions coming. I appreciate the help and support. -sniff sniff...can someone please get me a tissue? Or a group hug? (Another crazy laugh track)

HAHAHAHAHA!

Thanks!

-edited for a typo.

[Headless Thompson Gunner]

You can't win.  Best to accept it and move forward accordingly.

[Jamisjockey]

Preemptive strike.
File the complaint.  Dust off, nuke from orbit.

[Big_R]

Free advice, worth what you paid for it.

I believe that under MN law, the accuser needs to prove that the situation would be found offensive to a "reasonable person", whatever that means.  In situations like this, you needed to be aware that your behavior was offensive, and continued it.  If she didn't do that, you can claim ignorance (I wasn't aware my comment was offensive, it wasn't intended to be).

The good thing is your boss seems to be on your side.  Try to remember if this person made any derrogatory comments about your relationship in the past (identify a pattern), and if during any of those conversations, you told her that it was none of her business or that her opinion to you was offensive.  Document that, and write down any witnesses who saw the conversation.  The handbook may be your saving grace, since the company has included marital status in their protected classes, which I believe is covered under MN labor law.

Ryan

[thebaldguy]

Update on original post:

I met with my HR person. She was shocked to learn that other things had been said; she had no idea of what really happened in the discussion. My accusers did not tell her that they had made some questionable statements as well. She did say that that changed things a bit, as she only had heard one side. She was under the impression that I was the sole guilty party and instigator. She was actually pretty receptive about hearing my side of the story. I think my explanation reduced my guilt level. She told me to speak with my managers about the complete incident.

My managers were pretty supportive actually; they know that I am not a sexist person. They told me that the accusers (who they don't know) were very petty about the comment I made. They also said that they heard some of the conversation, and they felt that some people are overly sensitive. The department manager was also very disappointed that some people can dish it out but can't take it. They sort of apologized to me about the situation, and they also felt I was somewhat of a victim. They also warned me that some people are sensitive on a sliding scale; some things are ok, some are not. You never know when they will scream "offensive statement", even though they may have said something offensive.

My lawyer reminded me about the seriousness about this. Be on the alert; don't put yourself into a situation that may result in a harassment charge. He said it boils down to stay or leave. Stay and do your work, behave, or leave and find a situation that could be better or worse. I like my managers, I like my job, and would like to stay. I think I have learned a huge lesson here; don't ever, ever, assume that someone will not be offended, no matter what their past behavior has been. Be nice to everyone, but trust no one.

Thanks again for all your comments and support. I have learned something here; maybe someone else will avoid becoming a victim of overly aggressive political correctness. Always watch your six.

[zahc]

Congratulations on your relationship, seriously. Major props to both of you, and don't listen to anyone who questions its morality.