No idea how relevant all this info is, but, the full saga:
All was well with the cosmos. Upon a whim, I ran Ubuntu's updates, which may or may not have finished before I turned the computer off. I don't remember confirming that the update finished before turning off the computer. Sometimes one of those annoying license agreements pops up and won't let the updates continue unless you select "agree" or something, so I'm not sure if the updates finished.
When I rebooted, the system would hang at the login screen with the keyboard and trackpad locked out (the clock still incremented though). My only recourse was to force-power-cycle by holding down the power button. I was able to boot an old version of Ubuntu off another partition with no problems. I thought maybe there was a filesystem problem with my current partition and it was hanging when it tried to mount something, so I tried to boot a live USB image to run fsck. Multiple attempts to boot off a Live USB drive failed, and I tried several USB drives. Then I tried appending "single" to my Grub's boot options to boot into single-user mode and run fsck. That failed, and left me sitting at a blinking cursor. I power cycled the system again, and now it's apparently bricked.