I say, old boy, did you know that "The Chap and Hendrick's Gin Olympics" took place in London yesterday? A simply spiffing time was had by all, with events sure to please all cultured gentlefolk.
The Olympiad begins at six pm with the lighting of the Olympic Pipe, an enormous briar stuffed with navy shag. When all the contestants have taken a heady puff, the pipe is placed on the Olympic Pipe Rack and the games commence.
The opening event is the MARTINI KNOCKOUT RELAY, in which teams compete to mix the perfect dry martini.
Other events will include:
" THREE-TROUSERED LIMBO Pairs of contestants sharing enormous trousers must wriggle under a steadily lowered pole. The trousers must remain at a discreet level, with points deducted for underwear revelation.
" CUCUMBER SANDWICH DISCUS A plate of cucumber sandwiches is hurled across the field, with extra points if the sandwich remains edible.
" THE THROWING OF THE QUILL A quill is thrown at a target accompanied by fragments of verse. Extra points for epic, metaphysical or absurdist poems.
" SHOUTING AT FOREIGNERS Contestants must procure gentlemanly essentials, such as kippers, a trouser press or the address of the nearest bordello, from a shopkeeper with no command of English and few manners.
" BOUNDERS Chaps approach a row of ladies and are given two minutes to behave like utter cads. The winner is the bounder who receives the loudest slap accompanied by the wryest smile.
" PIPE RELAY A lit pipe is passed between teams of three along a gruelling 100-yard course with some surprise hurdles.
" HOP SKIP AND G&T Contestants must leap into the unknown holding a brimming gin and tonic. The remaining liquid in the glass is measured and points deducted for spillages.
" THE HENDRICKS STEEPLECHASE Ladies, astride their well-dressed equine mounts, race each other along a 100-yard track with some surprise hurdles.
. A report from a participant, who obviously lacks the stiff-upper-lip spirit required at such events, may be found at
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