We've got the tech to keep the body alive far beyond what it is supposed to be able to stand... My father has lung cancer. He took care of my uncle, who died of lymphoma. He's got emphysema and COPD, and has decided to avoid any and all treatment and surgery, and to just check out naturally, hopefully gliding on a good morphine buzz.
I don't think I'm going to handle it well. I haven't had enough time with him.
I'm really sorry to hear that. Given standard circumstances, I think it is harder for people to deal with the death of their parents. This is my 3rd grandparent to go. The first two were the most influential and closest to me since my parents were divorced when I was 2ish and they stepped up as stand-in parents while my parents got their lives back together. Although it hurt to see them go, the time that I spent with them really helped me understand how important family is from a young age. I feel very lucky and blessed to have come away from that with a huge amount of respect and consideration for family. I can't say that I have any regrets now with respect to how much time I have spent with them before they passed. There has always been a lot of time allowed for spending time with all my family. I don't know if it was more nature or nuture, but I've always been aware of how many people don't get to spend enough time with someone before they pass. Maybe it is just me, but I have heard that so much it has come close to making me paranoid. However, it wasn't the fear of that which drove me to spend time with my family members. I've just always really enjoyed everyone. For that I feel blessed. And honestly, for all the time that I have spent with them and made for them (which honestly was a lot and mostly unparalleled in my family with the exception of my cousin), I still feel like I could have done more. It seems to be the nature of the beast.
Bogie, I know that your Dad's passing will be really hard on you. But I must say that knowing that it is coming makes a big difference with the way that you are given the opportunity to deal with the situation. Don't get me wrong. I know it will probably be one of the hardest things you'll deal with in your life, but it will definitely be better than him just strolling through life and then getting yanked out by fate/circumstance/whatever you want to call it in a short lived event. My other grandmother passed like that and it was
really hard to deal with. Coupled with the fact that she was literally the kindest person I have ever had the opportunity to spend time with - it was hell dealing with the emotional aftermath. It took me years to be able talk about her without getting worked up about it. It is really hard to accept when given that sort of situation.
In contrast, my grandfather was in and out of the hospital and was having a hard time of it when he passed. Just because it was not completely unexpected, made a big difference. Even considering how close I was to him, it was less difficult to deal with my feelings.
I had made a point to go back up to Ohio to visit with him, play golf/guitar together, and document his childhood days during the depression by photographing the places he lived and worked, etc. and listening to him talk. He was farmed out to family and had a pretty rough time of it because his father died when he was 5. But he had built up a good life for himself. I was always really proud of him and took a lot of pride in how much I took after him.
Our handwriting was so similiar that
I couldn't tell the difference sometimes. I didn't realize it until I came across a crossword puzzle book that was half filled out. It took about 90 seconds after trying to remember when in the hell I filled out all of them, that I realized the obvious, but unlikely.
One of the proudest moments of my life was seeing the smile on his face when I pared two holes in the first game of golf I had ever played (and the first day I had really swung a club). Boy did he brag on me about that. And I basked in the glow of his attention. He was a somewhat hard fellow and wasn't easily impressed by much. Never gushed about anything and was really reserved with his feelings and affection. So it was a big day for me and I'll never forget it.
One thing I can say. Talking about this stuff really helps me deal with it and put my feelings into words. When your Dad does pass and you are at his funeral: Get up and say something about what your father meant to you. It is not a tradition in my family to do so at funerals and I have never been to one where someone other than a preacher, said something about the passed relative. It took a lot of pulling myself together emotionally and getting up the gumption to ask to do it at my grandfather's funeral. But it helped me a lot. All I could think about was how no one who knew my grandfather was going to be speaking about him. "What in the hell do they know about him?" The preacher was really nice who spoke and didn't use it as an opportunity to advertise for his own congregation for once. But he didn't know him and the words seemed empty to me. My grandfather was a great man and deserved more than that. I was damn near falling apart while speaking, but it gave me some closure and I guess I felt like I gave a little back. I don't know all what it did for me, I'm no psychologist. But I said things that needed to be said and no one else was going to do it.
Give it some thought and a shot if it strikes you when the time comes. It took me a few minutes to come up with what I was going to say, but it came together nicely and I didn't have notecards or anything. You know your Dad. You'll know what to say.
Of the years I've spent in hospice care nursing, both private duty and facility, I want you know that I empathize with you and your family. I hope that your family will take full advantage of hospice care, that includes such services as counseling before and after your Grandmother's passing.
While I don't live in Florida, I suspect you are being misinformed. Generally speaking, It's unlawful to fashion restraints without a physician order, but not safety or positioning devices. Please contact your hospice case worker for a physician order for bedside rails if required. They are there to help.
I am not licensed to practice nursing in Florida. Don't construe the following as advice or anything that could be interpreted as practicing nursing. Okay? Call your hospice case manager to get the information you require.
In as so far as her hallucinating, if she appears to be enjoying her time, it ain't a bad thing for her. Be thankful that she isn't having nightmares, regardless of her state of awakening or sleep. Play along with her, it will make life more pleasant for her.
Depending upon how advanced her terminal illness, as well as her pneumonia, time without fluids can be a matter of hours.....or approach almost a week. Sorry. The G tube is a medical device of great controversy in many instances. Keep it in to just administer pain relieving medications, but make sure to keep it patent with a minimal water flush.
Watch for her breathing patterns to change. If and when she starts going into Cheyne-Stoking or Kussmaul respirations, the end is near. She won't be in any pain, but be sure to administer the morphine (and anything else) as ordered anyway, just to take away the exhaustion of air hunger.
The best thing is to love, talk to her and hold her hand, even if she slips into a comatose state.
Send me a private message if you require anything more.
Thanks for the advice. Really. I appreciate it. I'm getting tired now though. It is 5:00 in the morning and I have been up since 2:00 sitting with her. Mostly because I couldn't sleep. I'm going to ask about that "law" regarding the rails or restraints. I'm curious myself to find out what the story is with it. I'll let you know.
