THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC

[280plus]

It's been a while since I've posted a joke. 

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped in to a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled in to bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

 When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent." In tears, she sobbed, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"

 

[grampster]

Aaaaaaarrrgh.

So the 90 year old guy is celebrating his birthday.  His wife tells him to go upstairs, take a shower, stay nekkid and climb into bed...she has a surprise for him.   So he does.  He's lying there nekkid and the door opens and a gorgeous young buxom blonde sashays into his room and says..."I'm here to give you super sex", to which the old guys says..."What kind of soup is it?"

[never_retreat]

[HankB]

Three sisters all got married on the same day, but for different reasons.

Sister #1 married a car salesman, so she could drive for nothing.

Sister #2 married a butcher, so she could get meat for nothing.

Sister #3 - the smartest - married a preacher, so she could be good for nothing.

[RoadKingLarry]

What's difference between a Baptist and a Catholic?


The Catholic will recognize you when you run into him at the liquor store.
 

[Frank Castle]

During a court hearing last Friday a young child had a hearing before a family custody judge; the judge asked the boy if he wanted to live with his father? The boy replied, my father beats me. Then the judge said, how about you go to live with your mother; the boy replied, my mother beats me too! The judge said, how about your grand parents then; the boy said they beat me too! At a loss for words, the judge asked the boy, well then where would you like to live then?

The boy replied, I want to live with the Indianapolis Colts.... Because they don't beat anyone!!!!

[charby]

Why do you take two Baptist fishing with you?

Because, if you only take one, he will drink all the beer.

[grampster]

A priest, a rabbi and a preacher walked into a bar.  The bartender said, "What is this, a joke?"

[HankB]

A good man died and went to Heaven . . . and he got a tour by St. Peter himself.

While walking down a hallway, they came to a door labeled and peeked in through the window - there was a party going on, much good cheer - everyone was enjoying themselves. "These are the Catholics" said the Saint.

St. Peter guided the man to another door and invited him to look in through the window - "These are the Methodists" . . . peering in, the man saw a really WILD party going on - much more boistrous than the Catholics.

Finally, St. Peter took the man to another door, and admonished him "Shhh . . . be quiet as you look in here." The man looked in and saw men & women all dressed well, sitting down and sipping tea. He started to ask who these were, but St. Peter put his finger over his lips signifying silence, and led him away. At some distance, St. Peter said "OK, we're far enough away . . . did you have a question?" "I sure do!" said the man. "Who ARE those folks in that last room, and why did I have to be so quiet?"

St. Peter replied, "Those are the Baptists, and they think they're the only ones here."

[p12]

A cowboy walked into a drug store and picked out a couple of boxes of condoms. He took them to the pharmacy counter to pay for them. The pharmacist asked the cowboy if he needed a sack.

He replied;


Naw, she's not that ugly.

[Hutch]

A famous college football coach dies and enters Heaven.  He has a magnificent mansion tastefully done in his school colors.  He thanks God profusely, and then notices a similar mansion nearby done up in Ohio State colors.  He asks God who the resident is, and is told it's Woody Hayes.  He sees another, similar mansion in Oklahoma colors, and is told it belongs to Bud Wilkinson..  The coach then notices a mansion, ten times the size of his own, in Crimson Tide motif, situated on top of a magnificent hill.  He asks God why Bear Bryant has a mansion so much larger than the rest.  God replies "that's not the Bear's house, it's Mine!"

[Devonai]

Did you hear about the new age orthodontist who ran a mobile clinic?

He practiced transit dentalism!

[Declaration Day]

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and John F. Kennedy?  One President got his head blown off, and the other was assassinated.

[French G.]

The Baptist church recently had to outlaw sex while standing up. They were afraid it would lead to dancing.

[Jamie B]

A Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, and a Jewish rabbi are hiking together in Yellowstone National Park.
The minister sees a huge grizzly bear.
"Wow, look at that bear! One of God's most magnificent creations!"
 
The priest and the rabbi all say, "Amen." The minister goes on, "I wonder if he's saved?"
The priest says, "Gee, I'm not sure. The Catechism has nothing to say about the salvation of animals."
The rabbi says, "Nothing in the bible either, although I'm not sure about that stuff you Christians added."
The minister says, "Nope, nothing in the New Testament either. Well, let's make sure. I'm gonna get that bear good and saved!"

The minister approaches the bear slowly, then begins to talk to him in a low voice. The bear does nothing at first, then falls to his knees weeping (yes, bears have knees)!
The minister and the bear give each other a big hug, then the minister comes returns to his friends. "That bear's saved for sure!"

The priest says, "Not so fast. Jesus says that those who believe should be baptized."
The priest fishes a bottle of holy water out of his backpack, puts on a stole, and walks slowly over to the bear. He speaks in a low voice for a few moments, then sprinkles some of the holy water over the bear, blesses the bear with the sign of the cross, and returns to his friends.
"Now that bear's saved!"

The rabbi says, not so fast. Obviously, this bear is no son of Abraham!
The rabbi walks slowly over to the bear, speaking in a low voice.
Suddenly the bear attacked the rabbi!
Somehow, the rabbi managed to break free of the bear and ran back to his friends.
"Let's get out of here!" They ran to safety.

The minister asked the rabbi, "Samuel, what happened? The bear was so nice when I led him in the Sinner's Prayer."
The priest continued, "...and he was so gentle when I baptized him. What went wrong."
The rabbi replied, "Everything was fine when I spoke of the Lord's covenant with Abraham and his promises to Israel.
Then I started to explain how every male who enters into covenant with God must be circumcised....."