Monday humor ration

[P95Carry]

Start the week with a laff!  First - go waste your time sending a penguin flying!!

http://n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf



And .... what do you know about wedding anniversaries? .................

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Who says men don't remember anniversaries!!



A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the dinning room table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do." she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your mother caught us behind the couch making love?"

"Yes, I remember." says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when she shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too." she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today."
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[jamz]

Baaahahahahaa- good one.

Here's mine:\

During a trip to NY the Pope begs his limo driver to let him behind the wheel. Unable to say no to his holiness the driver agrees and gets into the back. Within a block the two are pulled over, but when the officer sees who is driving he calls his sergeant.
"Sarge," he stammers. "I stopped someone really important and I don't know what to do."
"Is it the mayor?" his sergeant asks.
"No sir, more important."
"The governor?"
"Negative sir. More important."
"Don't tell me you stopped the damn president," the sarge yells.
"Nope, more important than even the president!"
"Who the hell is it then?"
"I don't know," the officer responds, "but his driver is the Pope!"




Love, James

[50 Shooter]

Here's mine.

Lost in Wal-Mart
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The  first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my  wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

I'm looking for my  wife, too, and I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

What does she  look like?"

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big firm breasts, and a tight butt wearing short shorts.  What does your wife look like?"

"Never mind; let's look for yours."

[P95Carry]

Touché James LOL ... great!!

[Guest]

True Story that happened to a couple with 3 kids.

Sunday School teacher pulls the Parents aside after church, with the 2 year old baby boy in Mom's arms.  Seems the little 5 y/o girl asked the Sunday School Teacher that morning what was good for squeaks. Teacher replied WD40 is what her husband uses around the house. Teacher noticed the curious look on the child's face and inquired why she wanted to know.

"Mommy and daddy's bed squeaks at night all the time-  last time that happened they brought home a baby who gets into my stuff".

Sunday School Teacher explained there is reason folks volunteer to be Sunday School Teachers - does not always have anything to do with lessons.  Mom volunteered to be a Teacher not long after that.

I understand there were some conversations with the child's K-school teachers as well. Boy did the parents learn what kids say away from home.

[Smith]

315' on the penguin.

[P95Carry]

315 was my best too on the penguin so far - lil' fella lands on his belly and skates along !!  Most times he drops straight into the 200 post!!

[doczinn]

305 is my best so far. Give me time....

[jamz]

A women walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around ;with a fly swatter."What are you doing?" she asked. 'Hunting flies," He responded. "Oh, killing any?" She asked. "Yep, three males, two females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell? He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."



Love, James

[Smith]

321

[50 Shooter]

319, use the spot about 1" above his head for a reference point. When the penguin gets there swing.

[Unisaw]

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, 'Bring me my red shirt!'

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, 'Bring me my red shirt! 'And once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, 'Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?'

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, 'If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.'

The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.

The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants!'

[garyk/nm]

Alternating between nosing in at 200, and 300-321.  Too fun!

[StopTheGrays]

Highest I could get is 320.3 and most of the rest in the 200 range. Nice distraction.

[M67]

This is embarrassing, but I'm posting anyway.

322.9 (four times) and 323.5 (twice).

I'm not even at work, I'm doing this on my own time. I need a cup of coffee - and a life.

[Stickjockey]

Best so far is 305 and change.

So this stunning blonde walks into a New York bank and asks to see the loan officer. They're introduced, and she tells him she is leaving on a European vacation and that she needs a loan for $15,000. "Fine," he replies, "Just fill out this application and we'll see what we can do." She does, filling in the Income area with the information that she's an heiress with $30,000,000 in assets and such. The loan officer, perusing the application, says "Great. We will, however, need some form of collateral." My Mercedes is valued at $56,000; will that do?" The blonde replies. "Certainly," says the loan officer, and the deal is done.

Two weeks go by, and the lady returns and pays off the loan and interest, which amounts to $150. "It was a pleasure to do business with you, ma'am," says the loan officer, "but I'm curious. Why would someone with a $30,000,000 fortune need a $15,000 loan, and why would they offer a $56,000 Mercedes as collateral?"
"Simple," quips the blonde, smiling sweetly. "Where else in New York could I park a $56,000 Meredes for two weeks, pay $150, and expect it to be there when I got back?"

[Fjolnirsson]

316.3 is my best so far. Mostly, he just smacks into the 200 post.

[crt360]

323.5

[Pebcac]

323.5.  Oh yeah.

And I loved the "would have gotten out today" joke.  

[Monkeyleg]

A busload of trial lawyers are headed home from an ACLU convention. The driver misses a turn in a construction zone, and the bus tumbles down an embankment into a huge ditch.

A state trooper gets to the accident scene, only to find a bulldozer operator in the last stages of burying the bus.

The trooper asks, "weren't any of them alive?"

"A couple of them says they was," the bulldozer operator replies, "but you know how those suckers can lie."

[...has left the building.]

320.5

[lwsimon]

Why do milking stools only have three legs?  The cow's got the udder!

So this snail jsut got his driver's license.  He goes down to the dealership and buys a shiny new littel convertible.  Then he takes it in to the body shop and has a big "S" painted on the hood.  He's driving aroudn town, and a girl snail stops him, and asks why he painted a big "S" on his car.  He replies - "This way, when I zoom by, people will point an say 'Look at that little S car go!"

[Daniel964]

322.9 is my best

[doczinn]

Up to 320.2....

[FPrice]

The Squirrel Problem

There were four country churches in a small Alabama town: The Presbyterian church, the Baptist church, the Methodist church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a large plywood cover on the baptistery and flooded it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Catholic group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- the Methodist church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.