Taaahrs ain't pretty!
Ads so bad & brutal, they're a treat to watch...like a train wreck where nobody gets hurt.
Extra-special Mossad tie-in at the bottom...
I grew up seeing these ads on the local VHF station:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-zCM_8APc0The Story (Click through for some splendiferous links):
http://www.affariedge.com/blog/2008/03/10/classically-bad-tv-commercials-when-its-hard-to-sell-something-admit-it/Classic(ally Bad) TV Commercials: When It’s Hard to Sell Something… Admit It!This commercial is a Central Florida legend, and it’s classic(ally bad) in a good way. Unlike other commercials you’ve seen on this website, Allied Discount Tires actually moved a lot of product with a lot of silliness, including this commercial from 1989.
Nowadays when someone is trying to sell you tires, you’re sold on several things: safety, dependability, and price. In the 80’s, it was a lot simpler. As the spokesman, Sam Behr, tells you, he’s the “Tires Ain’t Pretty” guy. That is the preface to our story here.
In 1977, an Orlando man named Stanley Hanin tried to make lemonade out of the lemons life threw at him when his failure of a motorcycle shop was converted into a tire store. After struggling to get off the ground, Behr helped him financially in two ways: he lent him money, and he became the voice and the face of Allied Discount Tires. Throughout the 80’s, legend has it, Behr and Hanin would have a couple of drinks and then turn a camera on to Behr where he would come up with some crazy ideas for a commercial. One local commercial after another was made, and a pseudo-legend was born when Behr one day blurted out on camera, “Tires ain’t pretty!” With that one line, Allied became a hit in Central Florida because the commercial was brutally honest. Tires ain’t pretty, but you need them.
Even though having Behr as a pitch man was making the business money, as time went on the commercials just got goofy (although not as goofy as Chuck Curcio got at Allied’s biggest competitor, Tire Kingdom). This commercial came at the end of the line for Allied with Hanin in charge (he sold the company in 1989), and Behr starts off with his brutal honesty. After a couple of martinis, it’s hard to sell tires. Tires don’t taste good, smell good, or make you look good, hence the reason why tires ain’t pretty. Then Behr goes off on one of his legendary, spontaneous rants.
You can’t have a tire taste test. Oh really? I’d like to see you try to have one! In a day and age where anyone can be famous on YouTube, I’m sure somebody would love to chew on some tread for 15 minutes of fame. Then Behr lets us know the guy installing the tire doesn’t get thanked. He has something here… other than the “thanks” you mutter under your breath after dropping $300 on a set of tires, when was the last time you hugged your mechanic for putting some tires on your car? But he comes back to Earth to remind us we need tires, and Allied is the place to buy them cheap. Then he lays down his most famous line ever, “YOU COME TO ALLIED DISCOUNT TAAAAAARRRRRRRSSSS!!!”
The cheese factor in these spots is high, but they were funny and like I said before they actually worked. Some worked too well, like Behr’s imitation of Oral Roberts in a 1987 ad claiming he had to sell 80,000 tires or he would die. Behr is now retired in Orlando, and he even had a daughter participate in season three of “The Apprentice”. Hanin is also retired, and has an estranged daughter who it turns out was a world famous spy for Mossad. Who knew all of this could start with a tire store?
So the next time you get tires on your car, don’t forget to chew on the rubber first, hug your mechanic for putting them on, and remember that “taaarrrrsss ain’t pretty”!
