Author Topic: Cheetos as an Impact Weapon (Read 4569 times)

Zardozimo Oprah Bannedalas · « **on:** June 26, 2009, 03:55:13 PM »

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A local couple arrested on domestic assault charges Sunday had an unusual choice of alleged weaponry -- Cheetos.

Warrants filed by Cpl. Kevin Roddy, of the Bedford County Sheriff's Department, stated he responded to a call at a home on Pass Road, where 40-year-old James Earl Taylor and Mary S. Childers, 44, were allegedly involved in an argument.

According to Roddy's report, the pair became "involved in a verbal altercation" with each other "at which time Cheetos potato chips were used in the assault."

"There was evidence of the assault," the report read, "however no physical marks on either party and the primary aggressor was unable to be determined."

Both Taylor and Childers were charged by Roddy with domestic assault. Both posted a bond of $2,500 and will appear in Bedford County General Sessions Court on July 15.

Self says: What is the proper weaponized application of a bag of cheetos? Used as a stabbing instrument or swung? Or do they serve a purpose like unto the tactical flashlight, to dazzle and blind the would-be attacker with their orangeness? Discuss.

Balog · « **Reply #1 on:** June 26, 2009, 04:02:10 PM »

Cheetos make a "potato chip" now, or is this yet more journalistic accuracy at work?

Also, can you charge both people with assault like that?

Iain · « **Reply #2 on:** June 26, 2009, 04:05:02 PM »

Well I suppose pinning someone down and stuffing their mouth with a packet of them could be pretty unpleasant. It'd be worse if they were out of the packet.

AZRedhawk44 · « **Reply #3 on:** June 26, 2009, 04:05:48 PM »

Interesting... if a Cheetos incident is alleged assault, then would that make a pie in the face an attempted homicide by drowning?

Balog · « **Reply #4 on:** June 26, 2009, 04:05:57 PM »

Especially if it was the flaming hot kind.

S. Williamson · « **Reply #5 on:** June 26, 2009, 04:06:06 PM »

If used in a stabbing manner, I suspect it would be about as useful as this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSe38dzJYkY

As an impact weapon, possibly a little more effective.

Flaming Hot Cheetos might sting if they hit you in the eyes, though.

MillCreek · « **Reply #6 on:** June 26, 2009, 04:56:14 PM »

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"There was evidence of the assault," the report read, "however no physical marks on either party and the primary aggressor was unable to be determined."

Maybe they were whacking each other with the bag and it split open, spilling the contents.

TMM · « **Reply #7 on:** June 26, 2009, 07:30:44 PM »

was this a concealed bag of Cheetos with a pistol grip and flash hider? i wonder if it comes with picatinny rails...

we must ban assault cheetos.

TMM

crt360 · « **Reply #8 on:** June 26, 2009, 07:50:25 PM »

Shoving a couple of those flaming hot Cheetos up your opponent's nose could be an effective assault.

Jamisjockey · « **Reply #9 on:** June 26, 2009, 07:53:45 PM »

You've all got it all wrong. Throw a small bag down onto the ground, and use the large, orange cloud to cover your escape.

griz · « **Reply #10 on:** June 26, 2009, 07:55:06 PM »

I'm tired of orange, I want tactical cheetos.

El Tejon · « **Reply #11 on:** June 26, 2009, 07:57:26 PM »

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A local couple arrested on domestic assault charges Sunday had an unusual choice of alleged weaponry -- Cheetos.

Must . . . resist . . . joke . . .

Best method of weaponizing Cheetoes is to eat them and them talk to the threat. The threat will be disgusted by your gluttonous white trash behavior and leave.*

*Warning: this only works north of the Ohio River. If this technique is used south of the Ohio River, the threat will crack open a beer, asked for the Cheetoe bag and inquire if a NASCAR race in on television.

HForrest · « **Reply #12 on:** June 26, 2009, 08:05:01 PM »

Hot cheetos could be ground into a fine powder and used as an incapacitating agent, preferably in a JPX-style weapon (http://www.botachtactical.com/liactjpxjetp.html)

Hawkmoon · « **Reply #13 on:** June 26, 2009, 08:06:43 PM »

Quote from: Balog on June 26, 2009, 04:02:10 PM

Also, can you charge both people with assault like that?

That's S.O.P. now. Just like schools that suspend a kid for defending himself, for the same period as the attacker. Defending yourself against a vicious attack is now "fighting" and is subject to the zero tolerance idiocy.

Many jurisdictions apply the same (il)logic to domestic violence. The cops can't sort out who hit who first so they just charge everyone within sight with "domestic violence" and haul 'em all to the lock-up.

280plus · « **Reply #14 on:** June 26, 2009, 08:36:39 PM »

Yup, got hauled in for defending myself against a wacked out vicious woman. Even though I wanted noting to do with her after that we had to see a "family counselor" together in order to satisfy the court and get the charges dismissed. The family counselor guy says to me one day. "You don't seem very repentant for your actions." and I said, "Well, considering as far as I'm concerned I was defending my life I don't see why I should feel repentant." Yea, he shut up.

seeker_two · « **Reply #15 on:** June 26, 2009, 11:24:55 PM »

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"There was evidence of the assault," the report read...

Wonder if there was "evidence" of self-stimulation, too....

Boomhauer · « **Reply #16 on:** June 26, 2009, 11:41:56 PM »

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That's S.O.P. now. Just like schools that suspend a kid for defending himself, for the same period as the attacker. Defending yourself against a vicious attack is now "fighting" and is subject to the zero tolerance idiocy.

Hell, in my school district, you'd be suspended for just being the victim, even if you didn't fight back. I got suspended for getting off the ground after being knocked down...

As for the original thread subject...hey, when you are naked, sitting on a beanbag chair, and eating Cheetos...you gotta run what ya got.

Antibubba · « **Reply #17 on:** June 27, 2009, 01:54:31 AM »

In a similar story, England's Parliament will require that all Doritos imported into the country have the points rounded to prevent their possible use as "assault munchies".

209 · « **Reply #18 on:** June 27, 2009, 02:16:24 AM »

I have to call this one a false report. Cheetos could not have been used.

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"There was evidence of the assault," the report read, "however no physical marks on either party and the primary aggressor was unable to be determined."

That's impossible. Anyone that ever ate Cheetos knows the powdered cheese gets all over everything. Anyone being hit with Cheetos would be covered in orange so there'd have to be physical marks.

Uncle Bubba · « **Reply #19 on:** June 27, 2009, 10:48:11 AM »

Quote from: Avenger29 on June 26, 2009, 11:41:56 PM

Hell, in my school district, you'd be suspended for just being the victim, even if you didn't fight back. I got suspended for getting off the ground after being knocked down...

Except for the "getting off the ground" part, that's precisely what happened to an old friend of mine's son. He got sucker-punched in the face, went down, and was sitting on the ground holding his bleeding face when school authorities came on scene. He got the same punishment as the kid who bushwhacked him. His parents managed to prevent criminal charges against him by threat of a lawsuit.

"Appalled" doesn't even begin to describe my reaction to this state of affairs.

Creeping Incrementalism · « **Reply #20 on:** June 29, 2009, 06:02:28 PM »

Quote from: Uncle Bubba on June 27, 2009, 10:48:11 AM

Except for the "getting off the ground" part, that's precisely what happened to an old friend of mine's son. He got sucker-punched in the face, went down, and was sitting on the ground holding his bleeding face when school authorities came on scene. He got the same punishment as the kid who bushwhacked him. His parents managed to prevent criminal charges against him by threat of a lawsuit.

"Appalled" doesn't even begin to describe my reaction to this state of affairs.

Would you be willing to say what school district & state this was in?

freakazoid · « **Reply #21 on:** June 29, 2009, 11:29:41 PM »

My friends brother got suspended for defending himself back in Middle School. Also there was 2 people back in high school who got suspended for fighting... OFF SCHOOL GROUNDS! They weren't in school. There was almost a walk out.

Uncle Bubba · « **Reply #22 on:** June 29, 2009, 11:30:40 PM »

Quote from: Creeping Incrementalism on June 29, 2009, 06:02:28 PM

Would you be willing to say what school district & state this was in?

Cobb County, Georgia.

280plus · « **Reply #23 on:** June 30, 2009, 08:32:09 AM »

What a coincidence, I'm just about to call Georgia Arms!

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Author Topic: Cheetos as an Impact Weapon (Read 4569 times)