Anyone else's family situation make Christmas difficult to enjoy?

[w turner]

I hope I don't bring anyone down, but I have to get some of this off my chest..

I've been married for just over 7 years and I couldn't ask for a better, more loving wife.  Unfortunately, since the birth of our son, the holidays have been more of a cause of conflict than a cause of joy.  In a nutshell, my wife has a very hard time relating to one side of my family.  She comes from a completely different type of background, in terms of outlook on what constistutes family, family values, and many other things.  This year has been the worst yet.  We have argued almost daily over virtually everything relating to Christmas and the holidays.  Unfortunately, this side of my family is both the closest knit and the most dysfunctional.  Basically they are a small step above white trash.  Good people, but the lifestyle and some of the personalities fit squarely into that stereotype and personally she has no use for them.  If they weren't my family she would not socialize with any of them save one of my cousins.  My family is also very organic in that we all look at it as one big familyand as screwed up as it sounds, we have fun when we're together despite the dysfunctionality.  I am better about maintaining seperation with my wife and son than anyone else, but when it comes to the holidays, my feelings are pretty much that they are family and nothing else needs to be said.  If my wife had her way we wouldn't see them at all.  We have made some changes in the normal Christmas routine that have caused some waves, but they are changes that we both feel strongly about and agree on.  It's just some of the other stuff  that we can't seem to agree on.  

I've been in the middle since before Thanksgiving and I'm so worn down that I just want Christmas to be over.

Sorry to bring anyone down, just needed to get it out.

Thanks,
W

[SpookyPistolero]

No, I know what you mean. I've developed a steadier distaste for christmas since I was younger. My parents are divorced and growing up we spent the first half of the day at mom's, and then drove down to my dads for a few days. It got more and more miserable. Last year we went to my dad's and subsequently to the big family gathering for his side of the family. My sister and I have never felt more ostricized.  Aside from the initial 'hihowareyou', no one so much as said a word to us. Tried to talk and everyone was just disinterested. The icing on the cake was that we were the only people in the room, out of about 35 family members, without presents. Now I dont give a crap about presents, but it shows they couldn't care less if we were there or not.
Throughout the year my father has been more and more lacking, and I'd barely hear from him, or barely get a response to messages. Basically I've resigned myself from caring about them this year at all. For whatever reason we must be the black sheep, but I've no idea why. It's rediculous and makes me feel like crap. Having 'two sets' of families really only means you are equally detached from both, man without a home so to speak.

Anyway, I'm sorry to gripe too, but family sucks sometimes. I'm just going to have a very very pleasant time with my mother and stepfather and two sisters, whom I love very much.

[grampster]

Christmas can be a multitude of things to a multitude of people.  But, the most completely neutral place it can be is to decide it is strictly for children.  Suggest to your wife that the holiday should be geared toward that end.  You have a child and I imagine there are others amongst both sides of your families.  Try and focus your attention on them and try and let the rest of reality occupy a secondary role, to be mostly ignored as you zero in on the kids.  Accumulate all of your joy and happiness with life and direct it to the little ones.
We are fond of the phrase "It's for the children" aren't we? (gag)  But just during the holidays, why not make that a priority.

[w turner]

I agree Grampster, it is all about the kids when it comes to Christmas.  That's part of the issue.  My family tends to go overboard when it comes to gifts.  It's not a competition or a show-off thing it's just the way they are (and always have been).  This causes problems because my wife grew up in a family that gave gifts for Chrsitmas, but didn't go overboard and it wasn't what Christmas was all about so when my family does their thing, it just creates chaos at home for me.  Complicating this is that the members of my family, all of them (dad, step-mom, brothers,etc.) all have defining traits that we do not want to encourage in our son.  So how do we do what's best for him when the reality is we don't them to have too much of an influence on him?  There is a new niece in the family that is about a year younger than he is, but no other small children.

I do believe that it is in a child's best interests to know his family warts and all, and when he is older and can comprehend it, using members of my family (and myself) as teaching opportunities.  My wife would rather he didn't see it at all.  This is further complicated by the aforementioned fact that my wife personally just doesn't like my brother and my step-mother.  My dad is rapidly losing ground with her as well and for a good reason.  I grew up in this situation so I am emotionally and mentally prepared for spending time with them and I am able to spend time with them, have fun, and go home unaffected.  Not so for her.

They're still my family though............

This isn't a marriage breaker for us, but I have already decided that we are going to counseling for this after the first of the year.  Our arguements go round and round and we rarely make any progress.  This is unusual for us.


W

[SpookyPistolero]

Not to intrude, but did you decide or did you both decide on the counseling? Probably the latter, but it helps to make unilateral decisions on such matters. I only mention it because I've seen explosive situations develop regarding that.

I wrote a whole schpiel about why I don't think it's a bad thing that your son is exposed to the poor personality traits of a relative, but after sitting and staring at the screen deciding if I should post it, I just decided to shut the hell up.

[jefnvk]

Have a immediate family problem and I just lost a grandfather.  This one will be difficult, at least.

[Zundfolge]

Some people have a harder time compartmentalizing their emotions and thus are less able to overlook minor conflicts than others (which can be a good thing because multiple personality disorder is basically people who are either too good at compartmentalizing or lose control over it).


Your wife sounds like she is less able to cope with these people because she can't separate her feelings about a person's actions from the person...pushing her to do this is harmful to her because she's just not hard wired to do so.

[Felonious Monk/Fignozzle]

My family tends to go overboard when it comes to gifts.  It's not a competition or a show-off thing it's just the way they are (and always have been).  This causes problems because my wife grew up in a family that gave gifts for Chrsitmas, but didn't go overboard and it wasn't what Christmas was all about so when my family does their thing, it just creates chaos at home for me.  Complicating this is that the members of my family, all of them (dad, step-mom, brothers,etc.) all have defining traits that we do not want to encourage in our son.  So how do we do what's best for him when the reality is we don't them to have too much of an influence on him?  There is a new niece in the family that is about a year younger than he is, but no other small children.

I do believe that it is in a child's best interests to know his family warts and all, and when he is older and can comprehend it, using members of my family (and myself) as teaching opportunities.  

This isn't a marriage breaker for us, but I have already decided that we are going to counseling for this after the first of the year.  Our arguements go round and round and we rarely make any progress.  This is unusual for us.

W

I'm going to say this, and it may be just an opinion, but from what you've told me, it wouldn't hurt for a few years to send cards and gifts to those family members you feel compelled to, and make it a holiday for you, the wife, and your son for a while.  Go see the relatives the week after, or the week before, if you just have to.  

But your marriage is by far the most important relationship in play.  It may be hard, but if you do this, you will:
1) Honor her by showing her that she is more important to you than all the (in comparison) distant relatives.
2) Come off as her hero-- could be REAL good for you.
3) Expose your son to that part of the family, AS YOU SAID, once he is old enough to process right & wrong, and life choices.

I have a brother I'm not real fond of having my kids around-- he's a drug dealer, has a couple of illegitimate kids, and is generally not what I want my kids around.  For a while, until the youngest was around 8, we really didn't make a big deal of it, we just arranged to come around my parents' home during the holidays during a time when he was not there.

I wish you well,
Fig

[Antibubba]

Well, being Jewish, I just don't seem to enjoy Christmas as much as most people.  

[w turner]

Bit of an update....


Had a long talk with my father last fri. night and was able to make a little progress (my wife's issue with him is that he is an alcoholic who hasn't sought treatment yet).  He went thru a dry spell in early summer but has since been escalating his drinking again.  During his sober period, he and my wife got real close, now that he is drinking again, she is pulling away from him.  Basically I laid it on the line to him that after Christmas either he stays sober AND gets help (AA, inpatient treatment, outpatient couneling, etc. doesn't matter which) or he will not see my wife or our son anymore.  Also made it clear that I am not going to cut him off from contact with me, but that I would protect my family.  Seemed to get thru to him and he was sober when we talked.  Made it very clear that i would do whatever I could to help him, but he had to be the one to pick up the phone.  My wife  is ok with this arrangment and this has eased a lot of the tension in our house.  

Other main issue with having contact with them is that their house is disgusting.  As in we have to take showers and change clothes after we get home from there because of the smell.  Imagine a lovely mixture of cigarette smoke, body odor with just a hint of rotting food and that gives you an idea.  We won't let my son crawl on the floor unless we lay a blanket that we bring from home on the floor first.  And she/they expect us to let them take him to their house.  My wife is going to have a(nother!) clear conversation with my step-mother and basically tell her that until this improves he won't be down there.  I support her completely as the house has been an issue for years.

Felnious- After the talk with my dad, had a long discussion with my wife.  I made it clear to her that I can at least see her side about her concern for our son and that I am ok with limiting or doing away with his contact with his GF until his GF gets help, but that I am not ready to cut my father off yet.  Feels like everything is pretty much fixed right now and I can see a noticeable difference in her mood, which improves mine.  Oddly enough I can see a little difference in my father too.

Zundfolge- you are exactly right re: my wife.  She admits this and it is part of what makes this situation so hard for her.

Spooky- We had discussed counseling in the past and have actually been to one before for a different issue.
I mad eth decision unilaterally to go after the first of the year, but I knew she would support it and after talking with her she does support it.  Oh, about the exposing kids to the less0than-perfect side of people/relatives.....you're right and I agree with you, but my wife, and I to a lesser degree, would rather wait to expose him to those things when we can use them to teach (he's only 16 months old right now and is struggling with keeping his food on his plate at dinner, family and personality dynamics may be a littel much for him right now....;-)  ).


Gotta love family drama......

W

[Guest]

Family?
I fired all of mine, except for one...seems I am the only one that keeps tabs on mom.

Drinking?
I took my last drink in 1984. It is said one sobers up and changes, playmates, playgrounds and playthings. Seems Playmates ( family and most all friends) "weren't". These folks were crazy as road ticks - no wonder I got drunk. *smirk*.
Oh I stayed with my interests and hobbies, like shooting, just changed some perspectives as to whom and where I would do these. Now most folks will attend 12 step meeting because "they are concerned" about someone else's drinking making thier life "unmanagable". [Hint: this is the CORRECT reason to attend. INCORRECT answer is "so and so is a drunk"].

I have close tight group of folks I do things with. Some drink, some don't. It does not bother me if they do as they are responsible in all their affairs - else I would not hang with them. I can be designated driver, if someone wants to enjoy a few drinks, this means I get to be designated shooter if a carjacking occurs. *grin*  "Damn- you sober folks get all the fun...". LOL

This time of year...I don't do anything. I used to when I was married, and that was for the stepson and dog. Wife and I were centered enough to know - and to ask why some folks only behaved a certain way one day out of the year. We kinda thought some stuff should be 24/7/365. Then again she didn't care for booze, never had a problem with it, just preferred not to. Me - again been sober too many years...Maybe us not drinking had more clarity about some matters.

I used to work on holidays on purpose, as did the wife. Safer to be at work than out and about, plus the overtime was great. Everyone else goes back to work and griping - we had the time off and the out and about places to ourselves.

Being by my lonesome now is good. No decorations, no music, no gifts. I can have some peace and quiet and do what I want. Now that is Serenity folks.

Mom is supposed to head over to somewhere, any folks supposedly related to me - ain't gonna find me.

Do you really want to know what I really wanted to do on the 25th?  I wanted to Skydive. Promised myself I would when I turned 50,haven't yet.  Plans fell through, maybe later I can jump out of perfectly good plane and accomplish one more thing I have always wanted to do.  Even got a Molon Labe Hat and BA/UUR button to wear. *snicker*

More sane and safe than going to malls...

Use Enough Parachute