Adventures with toilets

[Preacherman]

Oh, I've had a wonderful day, shopping for a replacement toilet and arranging for its installation.  (I'd normally install the darn thing myself, but since my back surgery, I can't bend and twist like I used to, much less lift the sort of weight that these darn things are!  It's actually going to cost more to install it than to buy it.)

So, yours truly walks into Lowe's and asks for directions to the "toilet aisle".  Directions are duly given.

On arrival, I walk up and down the row, looking at this vast display of porcelain works of art.  Some of them look like they were designed by chimpanzees on crack with delusions of grandeur, not to mention Great-Pyramid-of-Giza envy.  Colors, contours, you name it...

The sales assistant arrives;  a very pretty young thing (sex indeterminate), obviously hired for the holiday rush.  "May I help you?"

"Yes, I need to buy a toilet to replace a cracked unit."

"Oh, we have such a marvellous selection for you here!"

"It's a toilet, not a work of art.  I want function, not beauty!"

"But today your toilet says so much about you!  What do you want your toilet to say to your friends?"

"If it says anything to them, they'll probably shoot the damn thing.  I repeat - I want function, not beauty!"

"But that's so old-fashioned!  Let me show you the new Kohler designer range...  err, Sir?"

(This caused by my turning my back on the new Kohler designer range and walking down the aisle towards a heap of boxes marked "Toilet-to-go".)

"These boxes look to be on special, right?"

"Yes, only $79.99 for the whole thing, bowl, cistern, seat and all - but you don't want a nasty cheap thing like that.  Here we have a nice avocado unit with..."

"Yes, and at six times the price.  As you can see, I'm disabled.  Would you please get me a flat cart to load one of these?"

"But they're so yesterday!"

"Yes, and so was my last bowel movement, which is why I want one of these today!"

That sort of ended the conversation right there...

[280plus]

But today your toilet says so much about you!  What do you want your toilet to say to your friends?"

"If it says anything to them, they'll probably shoot the damn thing.

Not too far from the truth there...

LMAO...

But then there's the thing Al Bundy wants to hear from his toilet, "Step up to the bowl and MAKE IT A DOUBLE!!"

[Guest]

If you can't dazzle 'em brillance - baffle 'em with bullshit

Yeah I used to be in retail, I will give the salesperson in original post high marks for the abilty to sell.

*ahem*

You didn't get a Bidet -huh?  

Oh how us APS folks were so looking forward to hearing you bought one.  

One can clean their muddy boots, give cats surprises, break a dog from drinking out of toliets, all sorts of cool stuff.

I bet you had no choice but the new water saving 6.0 Lpf / 1.6 gpf .  Which means - think of all the water you save when you have to flush twice.

I'm sorry you are having to go thru all this. At least you have not lost your sense of humor.

I assisted mom getting a new Fridge. She has this itty bitty space with cabinets above. Only a certain size will fit.
I get a salesperson, I can spot one a mile away. I explained the measurement requirments, even had them written down. Home Depot is where she wanted to go first...

"How about this one? Really nice side by side, ice and water in the door" He goes on a salespitch.

Excuse me - where are the chain saws?" I ask.

"Sir, I thought you were here to assist your mom on getting a Fridge"

"I am.  Mom- your call.  We get this one the salesperson keeps pushing, the one that will not fit, the one I have taken  a tape measure  to show how "too big" it is...

1) Chain saw to take off what won't fit.
2) Didn't need access to garage via Kitchen anyway...anymore
3)  Go to Sears and get the same one as you have now - I found on the Internet - just newer.

You know, I still haven't forgotten how to embarass my mom in a store.  Just now I get to grab her hand and lead her out.



Gets better - we go to Sears and get what she had - just newer, and improved.

My turn to play haggle the salesperson. Ask Larry...

"Honey, just how did you get , $50 off the price, free delivery and set up and two years free extended warranty ?"

"Don't worry about it - just did and all you need to know"

if you can't...

*grin*

[Larry Ashcraft]

My turn to play haggle the salesperson. Ask Larry...

You betcha, seen him in action.

[Guest]

Too bad you didn't have time to get to some estate sales and see if you couldn't pick up one of the pre-ban ones.

[Art Eatman]

Er, uh, don't lose your head, Preach...

How well I remember:  "His face was flushed, but his broad shoulders saved him."

, Art

[Declaration Day]

$79.99?  You got ripped off.  I bought mine at Lowe's about four months ago- a plain, white, complete, functional one- for $44.95.  It wasn't on sale, and they have them all the time.

[Preacherman]

Well, Steve, there was a bidet involved - I pointed to one of the boxes and said "I'll bi det one!"



Well, it gets installed tomorrow afternoon, and I've got the A/C people here on Friday doing the furnace bit.  Turns out that the fan motor burned out, but when inspecting the unit, they found the heat exchanger corroded to hell and gone, and a few other things wrong.  Also turns out that while the outdoor A/C compressor is a 1999 unit (which is when the whole thing was installed), the attic fan, heat thingy, etc. are all dated 1987.  Seems that the contractor who sold the equipment to the previous owners of the house charged them for a 1999 unit (complete), but slipped in an old one instead.  Now, of course, that contractor's out of business, and there's no way of recovering the costs involved...

Still, I mustn't complain.  At least I have room on the credit card to pay for all this, and that means I can stay warm while I sit in comfort on the throne!

[Sindawe]

Golly, thats sounds like A LOT of fun Preacherman.  NOT.

I hate having to deal with the freaking plumbing after all the fun of living in a garden level apartment from '89 - '92.  I thought I'd escaped it when I bought my place in '95 (new construction), but low and behold come '99 the water tank on the WC in the powderroom broke.  I awoke to the sound of splashing water...   water?  Wha..  *$&#!

But not nearly as much fun as my neighbor is having.  I gather he forgot to turn on the heat before our last cold spell when highs were in the low teens in the day(vacant rental), and something froze in the pipes.  I peeked in window of the empty unit and see all the nice berber carpet on the main level has been ripped out, along with all the drywall and insulation halfway up the wall,  the bathroom fixtures are in the tub AND the flooring over the basement in the main bedroom has been removed.

[280plus]

Also turns out that while the outdoor A/C compressor is a 1999 unit (which is when the whole thing was installed), the attic fan, heat thingy, etc. are all dated 1987.  Seems that the contractor who sold the equipment to the previous owners of the house charged them for a 1999 unit (complete), but slipped in an old one instead.

Not that unusual either. Around here we have a guy who is still in business that is known to have taken away an old unit, painted it and sold it back to the same customer. Little old lady customer to boot. If you go to the town hall, there should be a record of who did the job. Somebody should have had to sign for a permit. That stuff just pisses me right off because it makes the rest of us look bad.

This reminds me. Has anyone taken a look at what the Japanese are doing with toilets? UFB! Seen a spot on them. Buttons, electronics, raises and lowers the seat without command. Geez...

As long as you don't mind spending $1500 -$2000 on your toidy.

[El Tejon]

Big market in illegal Canadian toilets up here.  

Democrats are so fussy about privacy, then why are they designing our toilets?  Democrats out of my bathroom!:D

Preacherman, hopefully one would want his toilet to say nothing!:D  Or, maybe, "I'm cleaned and sanitized for your protection.":D

[Waitone]

Preacherman, something is missing in your story.  Last time you bought a mattress, did you just walk in and point?  Nooooo, so why did you walk into Lowes and just point at a terlet you thought you wanted?  At a minimum I'da thunk you'd give it a test sit to check for functionality and compatibility.

[TarpleyG]

I bet you had no choice but the new water saving 6.0 Lpf / 1.6 gpf .  Which means - think of all the water you save when you have to flush twice.

We recently remodeled both our bathrooms and my wife wanted to know why we weren't buying new toilets.  I'll just say that ours were made in 1972 and there is nothing wrong with them.  I have NEVER had one clogged going on 3 years now and believe me, that is saying something.

Greg

[Declaration Day]

Big market in illegal Canadian toilets up here.

I live in Michigan, close to the Canadian border, and it is common for people to cross the border to buy a toilet.

There is a toilet store in Windsor, right near the tunnel, called "Howdy Neighbor".

[bermbuster]

.....
"Honey, just how did you get , $50 off the price, free delivery and set up and two years free extended warranty ?" .....

ummm....it's possible to get that?  How?

[Guest]

I guess I'll have to face this problem in 2006. My toilet makes a loud flushing sound about every 30-60 minutes, waking me up at night and causing me to lunge groggily for my old Glock 17 with dead-battery laser and dead-weight flashlight attachment.

 Other times, when I flush it, there is no water in the dealy. I have to wait and flush it again.

 What is the cutoff price between function and fashion these days?

[grampster]

Preach,

 I guess I can com mode r your house for a visit now?  

[K Frame]

"My toilet makes a loud flushing sound about every 30-60 minutes, waking me up at night..."

Go to Home Depot and look for a Fluidmaster Fill Valve and Flapper Kit.

Follow the instructions and replace the malfunctioning parts in your toilet.

These kits will fit about 99.95% of all toilets with the cistern-style back tank, even really old ones.

[Guest]

"My toilet makes a loud flushing sound about every 30-60 minutes, waking me up at night..."

Go to Home Depot and look for a Fluidmaster Fill Valve and Flapper Kit.

Follow the instructions and replace the malfunctioning parts in your toilet.

These kits will fit about 99.95% of all toilets with the cistern-style back tank, even really old ones.

Thanks, Mike, I'll look into it...so to speak.

[charby]

I still want to know why they don't sell urinals for the home at Lowe's or Home Depot. When I buy my first house, the first home inprovment will be a urinal in every bathroon I can put on in.

[Paddy]

So, Preacherman, is your new terlet installed?  Have you taken a test drive yet?  Go easy on the gas, you don't want to leave any skidmarks.

[280plus]

This is what the elementary school teachers refer to as "bathroom humor".

[USP45usp]

Dang, you should have gotten in touch with me.  I have two of the old toilets out in the shed, you could have one for around $10,000 .

Yes, they are the old ones that really had a tank and not the "energy savers" of today.

Most to all of my company that I've had has said the same thing, "Dang, it took only one flush".

The new "water savers" on the market today suck.  I had to flush about 6 times for everything to do down over at a new house that my cousin had just bought.  And it was a small load, not a normal sized!  (too graphic here?).

As for art, it's a damn crapper!  The only thing that you use it for is to deposit human waste, who cares what your bowl "says", you take a dump, you flush (more than once on the "new and improved" units) and you move on.

Geesh.

Wayne

[Preacherman]

Well, it's installed, so I again have a working throne on which to perch.  Tomorrow (hopefully) comes the installation of the new furnace and bits and pieces, so that by tomorrow night, I should be warm and dry again!

My cats are going to be disappointed when the furnace comes on again.  I bought a few fan heaters to place in various rooms while the furnace was out.  It didn't take my cats long to discover that sitting (or preferably lying) in front of a fan heater was a delightful sensation, and they've engaged in it ever since the heaters arrived.  They had to learn that if they sat too close to the heater, the built-in thermostat shut it off after a few minutes, whereas if they lay a bit further away, the thermostat would let the heater run longer.  It's been fun watching them figure it out, and I'm amazed at how quickly they've caught on.  Still, if they can figure out gun parts, I daresay that heaters aren't much of a challenge...

[280plus]

I say we all pile over to Preacher's to give it a test drive...