I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely
> ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the
> check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my
> delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked
> into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to
> buy?"
> ===========
> Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly
> neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a
> table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may
> not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.
> ================
> The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they
> would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
> ====================
> All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the
> aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed
> her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front
> pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled
> broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride
> gave him back his credit card.
> =======================
> Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax
> and get used to the idea.
> =======================
> Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in
> your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over
> you, what would you like them to say? "
> Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a
> fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
> Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher
> and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
> Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
> -----------------------------
> Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
>
> Looking up, he asks the Lord. . "God, what does a million years mean to
> you?"
> The Lord replies, "A minute."
> Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
> The Lord replies, "A penny."
> Smith asks," Can I have a penny?"
> The Lord replies, "In a minute".
> ------------------------------
> A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
> Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she
> sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I
> should do?"
> "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell
> me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
> -------------------------------
> An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he
> has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "Maybe,
> but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the
> curse on you."
> The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and
> wife."
> ----------------------------------
> John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last
> request, dear," he said.
> "Of course, John, " his wife said softly.
> "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
> "But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
> With his last breath John said, "I do!"
> ------------------------------------
> A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back
> to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the
> first man you ever made love to?"
> She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might
> be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."
> ---------------------------------------
> A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening
> and I have to talk to you about it."
> The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
> The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
> The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
> The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,
> what should I do?"
> The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see
> what I can find out and I'll let you know."
> A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your
> wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my
> advice?"
> The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
