from:
http://www.nicedoggie.net/2006/?p=456March 28, 2006
A Brilliant Proposal To Deal With Car Theft.
Filed under: Public Announcements
Technorati Public Announcements
His Majesty thinks that its about time that Congress adopts a responsible, reasonable and realistic approach to the scourge of vehicular theft or, as we prefer to call it, undocumented possession of an automobile.
For too long, weve ignored this problem, creating criminals out of hard-working car thieves undocumented drivers and with very little to show for it. Indeed, for the last decade or so, about 1,200,000 undocumented drivers have been reported every year with absolutely no signs of the number going down.
Thats 12,000,000 undocumented drivers over a period of 10 years!
Obviously, there is no realistic way that our prison systems can accommodate 12,000,000 undocumented drivers, as some extremist pedestrophobes have suggested. And, of course, that would mean that wed have to catch them all in the first place, which I think that its pretty obvious that we cant.
Besides, as a nation of highly mobile people living in a vast area where transportation is vitally important, it goes completely against the values upon which we founded this society of ours to adopt such draconian measures against undocumented drivers who, lets face it, just want a piece of the American Dream, feeling the wind in their hair as they race down the Interstate.
Where would this nation be were it not for enterprising, free-roaming spirits contributing to the economy by going from place to place, gathering their paycheck at work and then spending it at the local grocery store? How can we, as a nation, possibly defend criminalizing those wonderful proponents of the American Way whose only crime is disregarding the property rights of the car owner?
So I propose that Congress, sooner rather than later, gather to decriminalize undocumented possession of an automobile. Under my program, undocumented drivers will be allowed to drive unattended automobiles that nobody wants to drive at the moment anyway and, after a three year period of driving responsibly, will be given the title to the vehicle in question.
Irresponsible, extremist, hateful and plainly un-American critics have suggested that this is unfair to those whove worked hard to gain documented possession of an automobile or even that such a program will discourage purchase of cars and encourage undocumented driving. To them I say& Well, Im going to say something, as soon as I can come up with a brilliant retort. Rest assured, however, that itll include the words racist , elitist , snob , pedestrophobe , totalitarian and doo-doo head , not necessarily in that order.
Furthermore, we must immediately abandon the vigilante Neighborhood Watches whove created unnecessary tension and friction by constantly getting in the face of prospective undocumented drivers. Also, vehicles must be left unlocked with the keys in the ignition at all times, lest an undocumented driver cuts himself while gaining entry through a broken window. Not to mention the obvious health hazard, should this force him to drive in his undocumented car during inclement weather conditions.
With this visionary program, I foresee that car theft will become a thing of the past in short order.
Next, well deal with the 100,000 reported cases of forcible rape every year or, as we like to call it, undocumented marital bliss.
You can thank me later.
Posted by Emperor Darth Misha I @ 12:46 am |
