Disorder in the court...

[280plus]

With apologies to El T



These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Enjoy!


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ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.


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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


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ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.


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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.


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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?


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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....


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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?


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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?


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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?


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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

The winner!


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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!


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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[K Frame]

The last one is absolutely my favorite.

[Strings]

280, you need to put a warning on posts llike that. the last one knocked me out of my chair...

[Chris]

I must confess that I once asked a coroner about injuries he observed on a murder victim's body, and asked if they were typical with attempts to revive using CPR.  when he answered not in any cases of deceased he'd seen, I hen asked "well, what about survivors?"  To which he replied "they rarely bring survivors to me for autopsies."

[280plus]

The best one I ever heard was this woman prosecutor who had a kid up that had stuffed a football down his pants and tried to leave a store with it. She says, "The defendant was observed leaving the store with a LARGE BULGE in his pants." The courtroom started to titter a bit. THEN she says, "The bulge later proved to be a football." People are practically falling in the aisles they're laughing so hard now...

[El Tejon]

Hmmm, never had any clever lines at trial.  I've had more slapstick.

Trial #1:  Prosecution for Theft (portable CD player from electronics chain).  I as the prosecuting attorney was asking the witness to show me where he was on a diagram of the store.  He was a rather heavset set with a Wisconsin blister.  

As he was leaning over to mark his location on the diagram, he fell off his seat and went face first into the railing in front of the jury (this was a smaller courtroom).  A brief recess was called.  Defendant found guilty of felony Theft, but judge entered it as misdemeanor and gave road crew (he was young and no priors).

Trial #2:  I was pitching a Resisting Law Enforcement, Battery on Law Enforcement and Operating While Intoxicated where the Defendant was stopped in her MB SUV on I-65.  The police had a videotape with the microphone left in the car so that the audio I had was an "Oldies" radio station that the cop was listening to.

The police get her out of the car (cannot remember why), she starts screaming about her little dog in the SUV and suddenly slaps one of the biggest cops LPD has, 6'6", 280 lbs. and lifted weights when he wasn't doing situps and pushups.  She is now in a slow motion fight with two LPD cops at the side of the Insterstate.

All the while being recorded on video; the audio during the fight sequence featured the song "I fought the Law and the Law won".  The jury at first did not believe it and then one person started to laugh and everyone joined in, including the judge who had not seen it.

Jury found her guilty of Resisting and Battery, not guilty of the OWI.

[K Frame]

The only one I ever saw was as a reporter.

One of the people involved in a rather minor case (can't remember which side) stood up and yelled at the judge "YOU'RE A DISGRACE!"

The judge never missed a beat, and never even looked up from the notes that he was taking.

"And you're my guest for an all-expenses paid 1-week luxury vacation compliments of the county."

Not really all that funny, but the interchange was pretty humorous.

After the judge ruled, sheriff's deputies took the guy out to start his cruise.

[280plus]

There's another one I remember where a guy was getting ready to go for a year for non support and through the courtroom window he could see his mother coming with the money (which was at least a couple thou) and tells the judge he can see her coming, so we all sit there and wait whilst mommy comes and bails her little boy out,,,again...

[grampster]

We had arrested 4 goblins for armed robbery and felonious assault.  They pled guilty and were sentenced to 7 1/2 to 15 at Jackson Prison.  This was prior to Miranda.
They appealed and revoked their guilty plea after Miranda became law and they were granted a trial.

  Now, during the armed robbery, they pistol whipped a woman patron of the tavern they were robbing.   Then made the bartender and other patrons lie on the floor and the miscreants urinated on all of them and stole their wallets to boot.

During the trial the prosecution kept objecting to some of the tactics of the defense lawyer's number of defense statement and excuses he was trying to interject into the trial etc.  The judge quietly said that these gentlemen had a right to defend themselves because of the impact of Miranda and said he was determined they have their day in court and to say all they wished to say.  The defendents were grinning and poking each other when these occurances happened.

It was a trial with no jury as they had chosen the judge to rule.  Finally the defense rested and the judge launched into a speech about how, had he known all the details that had come forth in the trial, both from the prosecution and defense, when he had accepted their guilty pleas earlier in the year, his sentencing would have been much, much different.  The crew of 4 were now grinning anticipating being set free.

The judge then said, "I find you guilty as charged and now sentence you to 15 1/2 to 30 years gentleman.   Thank you for allowing me to be filled in on the circumstances of your crime that I had not been aware of before.  He had doubled the sentence.  One of the 4 stammered, "Can we appeal?"  To which the judge said, "That's just what you had.  Bailif take them away."

[p35]

I once asked a defendant's mother how long she had known him. It was a bench trial and I did it mainly as a joke.

Then there was the guy who was testifying that he hadn't decked his girlfriend.

D:     "I only act like that when I'm high on crack!"
me:   "Well, were you high on crack at the time?"
D:     "Yeah, I was."

OUCH.

One time I was defending a guy for a burglary at a car lot. The cop who happened on the scene had grabbed his partner, allowing my guy to run off. The partner was testifying that it was, in fact, my guy who was with him at the time. I was trying to show bias because my guy had been servicing the partner's girlfriend while the partner was in jail.

Me: "You know she was with him while you were locked up, right?"
P:    "Yeah, I know."
me:  "And you're telling us that didn't bother you?"
P:     "Naw, she's a tramp anyway."

I heard gasps from at least half the jury box at that.

[The Rabbi]

My grandmother a'h told this story that she heard from my grandfather, who was a lawyer in Savannah GA, starting about 1912.
In divorce cases (which were rare then btw) at the end of the case the lawyer for the woman traditionally got up and asked her in front of the court: "Madam, would you like your maiden name restored?"  This was a pro-forma thing.
One young lawyer was on his first case ever and was somewhat flustered.  The judge, Judge Peter Meldrim was a Civil War veteran and a wit as well.  THis lawyer got up and asked, all flustered "Madam, would you like your maidenhead restored?"  Judge Meldrim banged his gavel and said "that is beyond the power of this court!"

[Strings]

Rabbi... you get a bill for a new keyboard...