Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
I think I should explain my comment "That's my marriage" in a little more depth.
The main character (can't remember his name & haven't unpacked the books yet) had been married to his wife for 20 years or so, but seemed to have no real understanding of how she thought, her motivations, or who she really was as a person.
Is there any man that understands or even thinks to understand how a woman thinks. I could never understand my wife's spending compulsion. I'm hard wired as a saver (child of children of the depression). If you want something, you tucked away your pennies and then when you had enough, you go buy it. Not my wife, "I deserve it NOW". so it got put on a credit card. So there were constantly fights about money, simply because we approached it differently.
Based on his comments/thoughts about her, he saw her as little more than an extension of himself and the mother of their children rather than an individual in her own right. (50s era mentality) In the scene when she was in training with Gunny, he expected her to fail. How can you be married to someone for 20 years and have no real understanding of their grit, their determination, or their driving motivations?
Two parts to this. I tried to work with my wife as team to solve problems, she however looked upon *me* as the problem (because I would say "No") and I became the enemy. If I said "We need to sit down and discuss that one of the children misbehaved and a plan to correct the behavior", I became the bad guy , because I was pointing out a problem, and I had to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that what I alleged had occurred. It became "Family Court", with my wife sitting as judge, me as prosecuting attorney, and the child as defense. Treated as at least an equal (and in many cases superior) to the parent.
The second part is that she was (and is) worthless in crisis. When one of the kids would come in crying with blood on a elbow or knee, she would start shrieking and screaming. The child, who up to this point had merely been whimpering, would begin to scream and cry (if Mom is panicking, it must be BAD !!!) and now I'd have two people, one bleeding, but both screaming and shrieking, and no one is doing anything to solve the problem (patch the wound). I'm sorry, I was taught that no matter how bad it is, you calm and reassure the patient that they'll be fine, while you apply first aid and assess their condition. Running around like a chicken with your head cut off, does no one any good. So I'm sorry I told you to STFU, but I can't clean and bandage a cut, with you screaming in my ear.
He was adapting to changes within himself with regard to his worldview, yet seemed to expect her to remain unchanged by the events they were enduring. Simply no comprehension of her as an individual. I also didn't like how rather than asking her what was on her mind, he assumed that she was being manipulative of various situations to get what she wanted.
Ahh, that's because she was constantly trying to manipulate the situation to get her way. While I played straight up and honest, she took every last dime from me.
Whether she was or wasn't, various disagreements could have been headed off at the pass simply by discussing them with her. He instead chose the stoic silent route (because you can't reason with a woman) and caused himself much more grief over it.
I was damned if I did, damned if I didn't. And often it was simply easier to shut up and be wrong, then to open my mouth and be wrong. I often just didn't have the energy to fight (she loved to fight, and often tried to goad me into it. Far too often I would fall for it). When you don't want to hear what I have to say, don't get mad when I don't say it.
He may have been a good leader in the community, but the disparity over how he lead his peers vs. how he "lead" in his own home made the author seem like he didn't really have a good understanding of the male/female dynamic himself.
Just my .02.
True. And for quite awhile I was ashamed that my marriage had failed. Despite all the effort I had put into it. (all times I begged her "What do you want me to do? "What can I do different?", "Tell me what you want from me?" I would get bull*expletive deleted* answers like "I want you to care for me more." or "I want you to love me more." What the *expletive deleted* does that mean? It means that I'm not doing something or enough of something, therefore all the problems in our marriage are MY fault. So I'll pick up more of the slack in chores, I was working 50-60 hours a week, cooking dinner 5-6 nights a week, doing all the laundry, taking care of all of the outside of the house lawn, trees, bushes, leaves, etc. taking the kids and disappearing 3 out of 4 Sunday afternoons so she could have time to herself. I didn't drink, smoke or hang out in bars or with friends. And yet still no matter what I did, it simply wasn't enough for her. She had decided that she didn't like me shortly after we got back from Germany because I wasn't a "good provider" (apparently she just wanted to stay home and not work.) Since she could not do that, it was my fault and she was going to make me pay.
And I did. for 22 years.
And for about 6 months I felt guilty.
And then I realized that I had put 110% into my marriage. I had nothing to be ashamed of. And now that she is gone, my finances have stabilized, I can do what I want when I want, even though she calls, texts and e-mails trying to control me; Non est dominus ad me.
So now. Now. I am a free man. I'm working with her father to resolve the house issue (I want it and her off the mortgage and deed, etc.), but she's not going to stick me with the 2nd mortgage we took out to pay off credit card debt she ran up.
I will do my best to enjoy the rest of the time I have left with my family and friends (including the ones here in the magic box).
I'm sorry what was the question again?
