Mom's Still Alive

[LadySmith]

It started a while back with my hearing about how much info you'd be surprised to find by Googling your own name. Did it and accidentally discovered that my mother is still alive.
Background: Mom was what they used to call "manic-depressive." I'm sure they call it something else now with even more syllables, but it boils down to her being a person who made life miserable. Her marrying a sadistic alcoholic pedophile bumped miserable up to intolerable and I left home when I was a kid, never looked back. That was decades ago. Personal growth and self-improvement took root, life got good and I was firmly on the path towards becoming a human being. Now this.
When I first found out that she was alive, I sat in my car and thought about her. I snapped off the metal interior door handle to my car while thinking and figured I wasn't ready to deal with it yet. Flash forward to the present. Close friends and adopted family urge me to visit her. They point out that she's the only living relative I have, it would be good for me to face this, it's an important step in my own growth, things happen for a reason&etc.
I've searched myself and I "think" all the baggage is gone. So much time has passed that we're strangers to one another. And since we don't know each other, why not leave it that way? She may still be toxic, and like I said, life is good right now.
Except I have a sneaky feeling that this is some sort of test.
Do I face my past or keep working towards the future? What say you?

[Harold Tuttle]

the wheel of shiva places obstacles in our path for our enlightenment,
searching out briar patches far from home is the quest of a pilgrim

what answers will be gained in this journey?

[Preacherman]

Take a hard, realistic look at the situation.

To date, your only experiences with and memories of your mother are negative.  They've affected you to the point that you can snap off a door handle while thinking about her!  Not good.  So, you certainly need to deal with the influence that your memories obviously still have in your life.

First decision:  you're going to need help to do this.

Now - about seeing your mother again.  What's the worst that could happen?  Your present negative memories will be confirmed, and you'll know that there is no hope of establishing any better relationship with her.  On the other hand, it's possible - I don't say probable, but possible - that you could establish a somewhat better relationship with her.  Who knows if she's still the same person today as she was then?  Even if she's still a problem, could your more adult understanding of her problems help you to come to terms with what those problems made her?  I daresay this is possible.

Second decision:  if it won't make matters worse, and might make matters better, why not take the chance?  Have you really got anything to lose?

Next step:  preparation.  Don't just see her "cold".  Think back on what you can remember of her.  Ask other family members about their impressions of her.  Read up the medical definitions of her problems, and how they affect people.  Be prepared not just to confront her and your old demons, but to try to understand her.  I'm not one of these idiots who claims that "to understand all is to forgive all":  but if one understands, one can at least make allowances, even if not forgive altogether.

Third decision:  she may have been a real bastard to live with, but everyone - yourself included, and me too - has flaws and character defects.  We can't judge her from the basis of our own perfection, 'cause we ain't got any!

Hope this helps . . .  If you'd like to talk, PM me over at THR and we can call one another.  BTDT.

[Werewolf]

Let sleeping dogs lie.

You extracted yourself from a bad situation why inject yourself back into it? Does the potential good that could come from looking her up outweigh the bad? If not then just get on with your life and ignore what you've discovered. Nothing's really changed until you take action on what you've learned. Keep in mind that what ever you do you will not be able to undo it.

[gunsmith]

WWDRLD

what would Dr Laura do?

My guess, is she would tell you that she isn't really your mom , just some one who popped you out.

She married a ped, let him comfort her!

you are probably better off without her.

[richyoung]

It seems to me you still have heavy baggage from the whole experience - as well you should.  Have you recieved any professional counseling on the subject?  If not, I think it possible you would find great value in the "Pathways" program, originally stated by Dr. Phil McGraw of "Oprah" fame.  You can learn more at www.gopathways.org.  i have been through the program myself, as has my manic-depressive fiance, and it was worth its price many times over.

[Perd Hapley]

 you certainly need to deal with the influence that your memories obviously still have in your life.

I'm afraid he's right, but get some help.  At least talk to someone who knows about the situation, and perhaps take them with you if you decide to meet her.  If you don't want to go to a full-time counselor, maybe try talking to a pastor or someone else with experience and training in counseling.  

Also consider whether you can help your mother. Just so long as you don't get sucked back into her poor decisions and destructive relationships.

[griz]

Preacherman's advice sounds spot on to me.  I will add that now with better treatment options there is the possibility she has gotten her Bipolar problem under control.  I would still be concerned if she is married to the same guy, but am not really close enough to the situation to be able to comment on that.  I would also be concerned that she apparently hasn't tried to contact you, but that might be a guilt thing rather than a indicator of an ongoing issue.

From comfortable safety of this chair it sounds like it is worth the risk. (easy enough for me to say huh?) But it all comes down to how much risk is there versus the possible reward.  

Take care, and good luck whatever you decide.

[Big_R]

It comes down to strength....

Do you have the strength to confront your past knowing that it may turn out badly?
Do you have the strength to confront your past knowing that it may turn out well?
What do you gain by confronting your past?
What do you lose by not confronting your past?

I wish you the best.

Ryan

[LadySmith]

Thank you all for your replies. Lots of good advice, both pro and con. Just what I needed. I'm going to mull this over a bit before I do anything.
Preacherman, expect a PM from me.

[Guest]

Kinda relevant:

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:  "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Best wishes.
Bob

[LadySmith]

VW Slim (Bob),
Oh my goodness, thank you. I'm printing that and placing it where I can see it every day.

[Sergeant Bob]

Your "MOTHER" is dead.
The woman you are talking about is not your mother.
All the psychobabble about confronting your demons is BS.
She chose a sadistic pedophile over her own flesh and blood and deserves to rot in her own filth. Just let her rot.
What would seeing her benefit you?

[roo_ster]

WWDRLD

what would Dr Laura do?

My guess, is she would tell you that she isn't really your mom , just some one who popped you out.

She married a ped, let him comfort her!

you are probably better off without her.

gunsmith pretty much nailed it: let her ped hubby square her away.  She brought this fellow in close contact with her child & I bet she took his side over yours.  Such folk are owed bupkis.

Some folks might cut her some slack for being mentally ill, but that doesn't cut the muster with me and I bet it was cold comfort to you when you were a kid.

Get some help from some one trained to deal with this, but I would avoid the straight psych types.  I think going to someone with an explicit, firm grounding in morality would be a must.  You can read this as, "Go to your preacher" or go to a "Christian counselor"  or some such, if you choose.  I would be very wary of those without a belief in right/wrong and view these things solely clinically.  

My wife's mom has some serious problems.  Serious enough that the only way we can really deal with her is to cut off most contact, as she is an agent of chaos and destruction.  Sometimes it is just best to let them alone and sleep in the bed they made for themselves.

[RocketMan]

Not much experience in this area.  I'd be inclined to fix the door handle and move on.