Puns for the literate

[grampster]

 
1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

9. There were three Indian women. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
 
10. A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

[Boomhauer]

Each and every one of them is groan worthy...

[SADShooter]

Ah, the classics.

[cosine]

Good thing he's not here all week... 

[vaskidmark]

#4 - told like the rank amatuer you are.  Left out the middle (good) part and mixed species.

Just for that, you will be serverd the veal.

stay safe.

[ArfinGreebly]

Intestate lions.

Amateur.
 
 

[HankB]

An old Indian walks into a reservation store to buy some tobacco, and sees a huge cockroach crawling across the floor.

Rather agitated, he gets the paleface proprietor's attention, points to the insect, and says "Look! Bug! Bug!"

The bored paleface looks over the counter and says "Squash it!"

Indian violently shakes his head, and says "No!! Bug!!"

[MrsSmith]

Clearly Tallpine is too busy committing these atrocities to memory to comment.

[Tallpine]

Clearly Tallpine is too busy committing these atrocities to memory to comment.

Some years back, the Coast Guard confiscated a ship load of marijuana off the Oregon coast.  They didn't know how to dispose of such a large amount, so they enlisted a local paper mill to burn it for them.

As luck would have it, a flock of terns few right into the smoke, and shortly started falling down on the beach.

No tern was left unstoned. 

[SADShooter]

Clearly Tallpine is too busy committing these atrocities to memory to comment.

Set and spike!

[HankB]

A fellow was traveling across the Australian outback, and happened to stop at the small town of Mercy.

He entered the local eating establishment, and asked the waitress what was good . . . she recommended he have a cup of their famous tea. So that's what he ordered.

In due course it arrived, and indeed, it was most excellent tea. In fact, our intrepid traveler thought it was the BEST cup of tea he'd ever had.

Until he reached the bottom, and rather than tea leaves, he found hair. Lots of it. So he called the waitress over and said "Miss, there's hair in my tea."

She looked over, nodded, and said "Yes, sir, indeed there is."

"Miss" he repeated, "there's HAIR in my tea!"

"Well, of course there is. That's from the koala bear we dip into each pot."

"YOU PUT A KOALA BEAR IN MY TEA?!?!?"

"He's very clean sir, and adds a certain flavor to the brew. Is there some problem? Didn't you enjoy the tea?"

"I did until I found the hair."

"Well, sir, it sort of comes with the territory, and there's not much we can do about it."

The traveler mulls this over a bit, and asks "Can't you at least strain the hair out?"

"Sir!!!" says the now-outraged waitress "I must tell you that THE KOALA TEA OF MERCY IS NOT STRAINED!!!"

[grampster]

In reading the new puns, my voice has become horse from roaning.

[ArfinGreebly]

Should be marked "For Mature Audiences Only."

Everyone knows that puns are groan-up jokes.

[Tallpine]

Once there was a Pun Contest.

Since I really wanted to win, I sent in 10 of my best original puns - sure that one of them would win the contest.

As it turned out, no pun in ten did 

[brimic]

Gah
This thread. It hurts.

[SADShooter]

Gah
This thread. It hurts.

Positively punishing.

[AZRedhawk44]

An old Indian walks into a reservation store to buy some tobacco, and sees a huge cockroach crawling across the floor.

Rather agitated, he gets the paleface proprietor's attention, points to the insect, and says "Look! Bug! Bug!"

The bored paleface looks over the counter and says "Squash it!"

Indian violently shakes his head, and says "No!! Bug!!"

I'm not getting this one.  Splayn plz?

[ArfinGreebly]

Indian wife is called .  .  .

[AZRedhawk44]

 

[Hutch]

Roy Rogers parks his prized moccasins outside the back door of the ranch.  He steps to the door to see them being dragged off by a mountain lion.  He offers a reward for its hide.  The ranch hand returns with a dead lion in the back of his truck, and then goes to claim the prize, asking "pardon me, Roy, is this the cat who chewed your new shoes?"

[Hawkmoon]

Back to the opening post, I've seen or heard several variations on #4 ... and this one was by far the weakest. Some of the others were fair to middlin', though.



1.  In his dessert list, a San Antonio restaurateur suggests, "Remember
     the alamode."

2.  There was an advice-to-the-lovelorn editor who insisted, "If at
     first you don't succeed, try a little ardor."

3.  The commuter's Volkswagen went down once too often.  So he
     consigned it to the Old Volks Home.

4.  The wise old crow perched himself on a telephone wire.  He wanted
     to make a long-distance caw.

5.  A farmer with relatives in East Germany heard that a food package
     he had sent had never arrived.  Optimistically, he assured them,
     "Cheer up!  The wurst is yet to come."

6.  There was an unscheduled event in a Baghdad harem.  The sultan
     barged in unexpectedly -- and his 62 wives let out a terrified
     sheikh.

7.  A critic declared that he always praised the first show of a new
     theatrical season.  "Who am I," he asked, "to stone the first
     cast?"

8.  She was unanimously voted the most popular girl in school by the
     male half of the senior class.  The weighed her in the balance and
     found her wanton.

9.  A hen stopped right in the middle of the highway.  She wanted to
     lay it on the line.

10.  "It's raining cats and dogs," one man remarked.  "I know," said
     another.  "I just stepped into a poodle."

11.  In Peru, a gallant cavalier fished a drowning maiden out of a lake
     -- and married her before the Inca was dry.

12.  An eccentric bachelor passed away and left a nephew nothing but 392
     clocks.  The nephew is now busy winding up the estate.

13.  A Turkish salesman promoted an audience with an old-time sultan.
     "I don't recall your name," said the sultan pleasantly, "but your
     fez is familiar."

[Sergeant Bob]

This thread is a mega-groaner.

[Chuck Dye]

I offer Feghoot Master, Spider Robinson:

http://www.badpuntuesday.org/

...all hope abandon, ye who enter here...

Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion - but he always rose to the challenge. There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits - all from late twentieth-century Terra - on a training study of Carter's World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

"Look at the perfection with which these streets are graded", exclaimed one student. "Earth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?"

"A new alleyway is being constructed, nearby", said Feghoot. "Let us walk that way while I explain." As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter's World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

"I see", said the student. "It's not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base."

"That's right," Feghoot went on smoothly. "You just hit the road jack and don't come back no mo."

His students registered dismay and anguish.

"Isn't that right, old-timer?," Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

"Ahm afraid not, suh", said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. "Oh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It's the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

"So you see," he finished, eyes twinkling, "Mah hammered alley is really cashews clay."

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. "And he", he said, turning to his students, "is clearly the gradist."

[Waitone]

Can't swing a dead cat around this forum with thumping a moderator.  Now when we really need one. . . . . .no where to be found

[HankB]

A Polynesian chief had a thing about chairs - specifically, thrones. He just loved them, but felt that as Chief, he needed to change throne style on a regular basis. So he instructed his best artisans and craftsmen to design and build a new throne every month and deliver it to his hut. It was a BIG hut, airy and comfortable as befitting a chief. Largely made of grass, it even had a second floor.

With each new throne, the Chief was pleased . . . but he couldn't bear to part with the previous throne, so he had it stowed away on the second floor.

In time, the second floor was filled with old thrones . . . but the chief insisted he wanted the others kept in storage, and since he was the chief, his word was law.

With time, the weight of the thrones became an issue . . . and tragically one night, the second floor of the Chief's hut failed, and all the thrones came crashing down, with fatal results for the Chief.

The moral of the story, of course, is that man who live in grass house should not stow thrones.