Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes
she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's n ot pain that I'll
feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be
called an air current.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room
while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin
to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where
her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to
bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the frid g e.
Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will probably never be able to support you.
Q. Why is it called PMS?
A. Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
