R.I.P. Scout26
https://babylonbee.com/news/washington-post-article-on-evils-of-capitalism-hidden-behind-paywallWashington Post Article On Evils Of Capitalism Hidden Behind PaywallNo article. Link just has that headline.
Pretty sure Hawkmoon is having a meltdown.
Currently listening to the BB podcast while in a Chick-fil-a drive-through. I'm pretty sure that's grounds for sainthood.
Maybe scientists can study how he does that and make a pill or something so the rest of us have that ability. If we were all that quick and that accurate at knowing each other’s pronouns, almost no one would have to announce their pronouns upon first meeting someone. Think of that futuristic utopia!
His team, the Lil’ Padres, attempted to hoist him up on their shoulders in celebration of their great victory over the favored Tiny Tigers, but were unable to pick up the large 230-pound man.
Ripley’s feat comes at the end of a momentous tee-ball season, in which the self-identified six-year-old absolutely shattered every record set prior to that point. With a 1.000 batting average, 52 home runs, and an incredible showing at first base, second base, shortstop, third base, and pitcher, the man is being called an inspiration to other six-year-olds everywhere.
“The league has a zero-tolerance policy on Bible verses that inspire and encourage a player to do his best and play for the glory of God, and thus bestow an unfair advantage,” league investigator Mack Columbeau said in a press conference. “We will be looking into this matter objectively and completely before rendering a final judgment on Mr. Tebow. If he has violated league policy, he’ll be punished appropriately.”
U.S./MEXICO BORDER—The migrant caravan headed for the U.S. has been the center of much controversy, but the problem seems to have solved itself, as the entire caravan has mysteriously disappeared.In other, unrelated, good news, there's now a really cool-looking giant wooden horse sitting right at the U.S. border, fresh for the taking.
Banner also said he painted the word "HUFFY" on the side of his bike, ensuring he has no advantage over the bikes that came out of the factory as bicycles.Some critics say he needs to cut off his motor in order to make the competition fairer, but he quickly called these people bigots, and they were immediately banned from professional cycle racing.
Damn dog.https://babylonbee.com/news/cnn-uncovers-evidence-hero-dog-sniffed-butts
He identified as pansniffual.
"Bless me, assistant manager, for I have sinned," one contrite patron said to a smiling Chick-fil-A employee as she entered the booth. "It has been 3 weeks since my last Chick-fil-A meal and confession."
TUSCALOOSA, AL—The famous big baby Trump balloon was stabbed to death in Tuscaloosa over the weekend.Followers mourned its death. But when some women came to pay their respects to the downed balloon three days later, they were shocked to find the balloon was rising again."It's a miracle!" cried awed onlookers as the balloon slowly began to reinflate itself and ascend into the heavens. "Just as it was prophesied!""Go, therefore, and make America great again," the balloon said. "And behold, I will be with you always. Or at least for another seven or eight terms."The balloon rose and rose until it disappeared from sight, hidden by the clouds.
LAS CRUCES, NM—Local church introvert Denny Patterson got dressed for church Sunday morning, grabbed his Bible, and slapped on his new "Do Not Greet" medical bracelet, a helpful visual reminder for other parishioners and members of the welcome team not to talk to him at all.
Some days I feel like this.https://babylonbee.com/news/church-introvert-dons-do-not-greet-medical-braceletChurch Introvert Dons 'Do Not Greet' Medical Bracelet
"Some days I feel like this."Some days? Wow, aren't you the social *expletive deleted*ing butterfly...
