R.I.P. Scout26
The Onion is the world’s leading news publication,offering highly acclaimed, universally revered cover-age of breaking national, international, and local newsevents. Rising from its humble beginnings as a printnewspaper in 1756, The Onion now enjoys a daily read-ership of 4.3 trillion and has grown into the single mostpowerful and influential organization in human his-tory.In addition to maintaining a towering standard ofexcellence to which the rest of the industry aspires,The Onion supports more than 350,000 full- and part-time journalism jobs in its numerous news bureausand manual labor camps stationed around the world,and members of its editorial board have served withdistinction in an advisory capacity for such nations asChina, Syria, Somalia, and the former Soviet Union.On top of its journalistic pursuits, The Onion also ownsand operates the majority of the world’s transoceanicshipping lanes, stands on the nation’s leading edge onmatters of deforestation and strip mining, and proudlyconducts tests on millions of animals daily.The Onion’s keen, fact-driven reportage has beencited favorably by one or more local courts, as well asIran and the Chinese state-run media.
ARGUMENTI. Parody Functions By Tricking People IntoThinking That It Is Real.Tu stultus es. You are dumb. These three Latinwords have been The Onion’s motto and guiding lightsince it was founded in 1988 as America’s Finest NewsSource, leading its writers toward the paper’s singularpurpose of pointing out that its readers are deeply gul-lible people.The Onion’s motto is central to this brief for twoimportant reasons. First, it’s Latin. And The Onionknows that the federal judiciary is staffed entirely bytotal Latin dorks: They quote Catullus in the originalLatin in chambers. They sweetly whisper “stare deci-sis” into their spouses’ ears. They mutter “cui bono” un-der their breath while picking up after their neighbors’5dogs. So The Onion knew that, unless it pointed to asuitably Latin rallying cry, its brief would be operatingfar outside the Court’s vernacular.
