by Tim_Leslie
for iCorvallis.com
I had a nightmare late last month. It was triggered by a news report on Feb. 26 that Yoweri Museveni, Ugandas president since 1986 and already East Africa's longest-serving leader, had won reelection to yet another five-year term.
In my horrible dream, U.S. presidential adviser Karl Rove had heard the same news report. He was holding court in a White House meeting room, patiently explaining the situation to President George W. Bush and a bevy of administration officials, including Vice President Dick Cheney, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, and Press Secretary Scott McClellan. As I tossed and turned, Rove laid out his evil plan. Heres what I overheard:
Rove: "So you see what Im saying here. This man, Yoweri Museveni, has been the president of Uganda for 20 years in a row. By law, there was supposed to be a new president this year, but Museveni paved the way for his reelection by ramming through a constitutional amendment to lift presidential term limits."
Rumsfeld: "Ok, I see where youre going with this.
Rove: "You do?"
Rumsfeld: "Granted, the guy sounds like a crook, but Im not going to bomb one more country for you until we waste Iran, Karl. I mean, there isnt even any oil in Uganda, and ..."
Rove: "Damnit, Don, Im not talking about bombing Uganda. Im talking about emulating them."
Rumsfeld: "Well why didnt you say so? We dont need bombs if you just want to emasculate them."
Rove: "No, no, no! Emulate! We need to emulate them."
McClellan: "That's a difficult word, Don. Karl's saying we should strive to equal the actions of the Ugandan president."
Rumsfeld: "Dont patronize me, you little smart aleck."
McClellan: "Who are you calling a smart aleck, you lying sack of dung."
Rumsfeld: "Hah, talk about the pot calling the kettle black. You told more lies in todays half-hour press briefing than Ive told in 35 years of &"
Cheney: "Hey, knock it off, you chuckleheads. This is important stuff. Karls on to something here. Go ahead Karl."
Rove: "Well, I think its obvious what Im implying here. I think we should follow Mr. Musevenis lead and refuse to vacate the White House in 2008."
McClellan: "Pardon me, Mr. Rove, but thats impossible. The American people will never stand for it."
Cheney: "Thats exactly what you said when we started torturing Iraqi prisoners."
Rumsfeld: "Yeah. You said the same thing when we imprisoned Afghanis and Iraqis without granting them due process. You said wed never get away with turning our backs on the Geneva Conventions."
McClellan: "Well, you probably wouldnt have, if it hadnt been for Ari Fleischer and me working overtime to spin it."
Rumsfeld: "Right. The press guys get all the credit. If you ask me, we should replace the lot of you with military propagandists, just like we're doing in Iraq."
Cheney: "Thats enough, Rummy. Weve got work to do here."
Rumsfeld: "But Im not done with this impudent punk yet. I want to say that &"
Cheney: "I said shut up!"
Rumsfeld: "And what are you gonna do if I dont shut up, Dicky? Drink another six-pack and shoot me with your quail gun?"
Cheney: "Why you little son-of-a &"
Bush: "Now hold on there, fellas. Heh, heh. This is gettin a little out of hand. Let's all just settle down so I can understand what Karls tellin us. It sounds like hes sayin we should suspend the U.S. Constitution. Unless Im mistaken, it limits presidents to two terms, right?"
Rove: "Thats correct, Mr. President. Its the 22nd Amendment."
Bush: "Well, I think I have to agree with Scott on this. Its a nice thought, Karl, but the voters will take to the streets. My approval rating is already in the toilet. Whatll they do when they see us messin with the Constitution?"
Rove: "I used to worry about that, too, Mr. President. And then our little secret leaked out about our warrantless wiretapping of U.S. citizens. Thats when I learned how malleable our Constitution really is when our party controls both houses of Congress."
McClellan: "Malleable. That's another hard word, Don. It means 'capable of being altered or controlled by outside forces or influences.' "
Rumsfeld: "That's it. I've taken all the abuse I'm going to take today." (Jumps to his feet and stomps out of the room.)
Bush: "Haven't I warned you guys to take it easy on Rummy? His war hasn't been goin real well, and he's been under a lot of pressure lately. Ok, go ahead Karl."
Rove: "Uh, where were we?"
McClellan: "Our malleable Constitution."
Rove: "Oh, right. Now, I shouldnt admit this, but our program to spy on American citizens is a total violation of the Fourth Amendment. And yet, you saw what happened after it was leaked to the press. A few liberals got a bit huffy for a few weeks, and then the whole thing blew over. The public just didn't seem to care. Everyone went back to watching American Idol and downloading the latest Paris Hilton sex video."
Cheney: "I think you're right, Karl. Most people don't seem to care. And those that do will think twice before they criticize this plan. It's clear that our effort to label critics of this administration as terrorist sympathizers is working."
Bush: "President-for-life Bush. I like the sound of that. How soon can we start?"
Rove: "As soon as possible. In fact, March would be a great month to announce our intention to remain in office indefinitely. Hell, everyones so busy filling out their basketball brackets that the whole thing will be a done deal by the time the tournaments over. Itll be our own little version of March Madness."
McClellan: "And just how do you intend to sell this to the American public?"
Rove: "I thought youd never ask, Scott. Its quite simple, really. We just have to tell the voters the same thing weve been telling them all along. The nation is at war. There hasnt been an attack on U.S. soil since 9-11. President Bushs leadership is the reason. To change leaders now would put everyone at risk, and that would be unacceptable. In short, the president must remain in office indefinitely in order to protect the American people."
Bush: "Sheer genius, Karl. Its like that talking point we had during the 2004 campaign: If Kerry gets elected, the terrorists will hit America."
Rove: "Right. Its not a new message for us. We just have to amp it up a bit."
Bush: "This reminds me of that speech I gave back in 2000. Remember when I said, If this were a dictatorship, it would be a heck of a lot easier - just so long as I'm the dictator. Heh, heh. It looks like I'm finally going to be the dictator."
Rove: "Uh, right Mr. President."
Bush: "Hey, when Im president for life, will they have to call me generalissimo? Ive always wanted to be called Generalissimo Bush."
Cheney: "We can talk about that later, George. Now let's get to work."