Rules for Dating My Daughter

[Brad Johnson]

Was digging through some old stuff and came across this.  It's been around for a while but it's still good for a laugh.

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1)  If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package because you're not picking anything up.

2)  You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.  If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughters body, I will remove them by force.

3)  I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trausers so loosely that they appear to be falling off.  Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all your friends are idiots.  Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue so I propose a compromise:  You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants 10 sizes too big and I will not object.  In return I will ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter by fastening your trousers to your waist with my electric nail gun.

4)  I'm sure you've been told that sex without using a barrier method of some kind can kill you.  Let me elaborate - when it comes to sex I am the barrier and I will kill you.

5)  You may feel that in order for us to get to know each other we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues.  Please do not do this.  The only information I need from you is what time my daughter will be home.  And that had better be early

6)  I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow with the other girls.  That is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.  Otherwise, once you have gone out with my daughter you will do so until she is finished with you.  If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

7)  If you are standing in my front hall waiting for my daughter to appear and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh or fidget.  If you want to be on time you should not be dating.  My daughter is putting on make-up, a process that takes longer then painting the Golden Gate Bridge.  Instead of standing there looking stupid, do something useful like changeing the oil in my car.

  The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:  A) Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer then a wooden stool.  B) Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.  C) Places where there is holding hands or happiness.  Hockey games are ok, old folks homes are better.

9)  Do not lie to me.  I may appear to be a pot-bellied, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing merciless God of your universe.  If I ask you where and with whom you are going, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.  I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.  Do not trifle with me.

10)  Be afraid.  BE VERY AFRAID.  It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi.  When my agent orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean my guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.  As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit you car with both hands in plain sight.  Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and EARLY, then return to your car.  There is no need for you to come inside.  The camouflaged face in the window is mine.

[280plus]

I remember one dads rule, it was simple yet effective, "If you get my daughter pregnant I will kill you." 

 

[Balog]

I've never understood the whole Dad threatening his daughters date thing. Did you raise a slut? Is your daughter incapable of saying no?

[cassandra and sara's daddy]

you smile  be friendly and before he leaves with her you bend close and say real soft in his ear "you kids have fun but remember anything you do with/to her tonite i'm doing to you when you bring her home  give him a lil hug a pat on the ass and send em on their way.  always good to keep em focused

[RevDisk]

I had one dad of a lady I was dating tried to do the whole 'scare tactic' on me.  Showed me his shiney new AR15 and everything.  He didn't say anything too obvious, but insinuated he'd use it on me if I stepped out of line. 

When I dropped the lady off, I gave him back the firing pin he didn't notice go missing when he left the room for a minute. 

[AmbulanceDriver]

Years ago I was dating a girl, and her dad wasn't really all that happy that "his little girl" was dating.  Well, one evening I went over there for dinner for them to get to know me a little better.  And by gum, he was gonna make sure that I was properly "intimidated".  So when I came over for dinner, he greeted me at the door with a revolver on his hip.  Just after I said "hi" I went into that mental conversation with myself.  "Do I play nice, or do I let him know that I ain't gonna intimidate?"

I decided I wasn't gonna intimidate.

I point at the revolver and ask, "Thirty-eight?"  He says, "Yes."

"May I see it?"  And he doesn't really know what to say...  So he unholsters it and goes to hand it to me.  Unfortunately, he's got the muzzle pointed right at my gut while handing it over.  I gently push his hand sideways as I grab the muzzle end of the revolver, and again have that little mental argument.  And again, nice loses....

I've got the gun's barrel in my hand, and do a little cowboy flip to end up with the butt of the gun in my hand, held normally.  Hit the cylinder release, flick the cylinder open, look at the empty cylinder, flick my wrist to snap it closed.  Do the little cowboy flip again to hand it to him butt first, holding it by the barrel again.  "Nice," I say.  He doesn't put it back on his hip, just takes the holster off his belt (clip-on holster), puts the gun back in it and starts walking back into the house without saying a word...

Talking the next day about it with my then girlfriend, she said that he'd been totally excited the day before about intimidating me with that little revolver.  She tried to tell him that I was a gun nut, and that I wouldn't be intimidated.  Apparently I completely burst his bubble......

[Paddy]

I don't have any daughters, only a son. 

[Jamisjockey]

I don't need to be mean.  My son is 4.  My daughter is 2.  Big brothers are usually scarier than Dad's ever need to be.  Oh, and he's growing like a weed.  I think he's football material 
Nowadays if you intimidate your daughter's date with a firearm he'll probably report you and get you sent to jail.

[wmenorr67]

I am in the military and have friends.  Do I need to say anymore?

[LadySmith]

Is your daughter incapable of saying no?

Sometimes the date doesn't listen.
Now, raising a daughter to be prepared on what to do in that event would be a good thing.

[280plus]

Like equiping her with a TASER? 

[LadySmith]

Well, I was thinking blowtorch and pliers, but that's a good start. 

[Perd Hapley]

Pliers and a blowtorch?  Only if she's a hard, pipe-hittin' n.....nevermind. 

[Jamisjockey]

Like equiping her with a TASER? 

Who needs a taser?
I'm thinking Krav Maga or MCMEF

[grislyatoms]

The Dad described in the "Rules for dating my daughter" won't have anything on me. He'll look like a hippie tree-hugger by comparison.

Took my daughter to a pediatrician 6-8 months ago. She is going to, um, "develop" early. Way early. It does run in my side of the family.

I am really not ready for this, but I am trying to become ready as fast as I can. I thought I'd have another 3-4 years to prepare. (I have this image of me seeing some guy checking out my daughter and me blowing a gasket.)

The ex asked the pediatrician "Isn't this WAY too early?" The pediatrician replied "Not anymore. We're seeing this quite often nowadays."

Well, I was thinking blowtorch and pliers, but that's a good start. 

 

Wish me luck, and could someone stand by with some bail money? Please?

[Moondoggie]

#11.  A deposit of $50 is required when picking up my daughter.  Curfew is at 11:00 PM.  Failure to return my daughter at/before curfew, and in good condition,  will result in forfeiture of the deposit.

[280plus]

The ex asked the pediatrician "Isn't this WAY too early?" The pediatrician replied "Not anymore. We're seeing this quite often nowadays."

The prevailing theory is that it's the water... 

[Warhorse]

OK. I have to wade in on this one.

I have two daughters, both now married to good guys that I actually like. When the teenage girls were dating I had a habit of doing two things:
     When the boy came in the first time, I was usually sitting nearby carefully putting a razor edge on my rather large knife that they couldn't help but notice was always on my hip. They would also receive a "meaningful look" while I was doing that.
     I also have a habit of moving very quietly and would frequently just suddenly "be there" without anyone, including daughters, noticing me arrive. My daughters found this irritating but it definitely would spook the guys a bit, especially when they would have no good reason to expect me to show up.

One guy brought my daughter home far later than her curfew. The first time, he got a simple verbal warning not to do it again. He did do it again and I decided to have a little "talk" with him. All I did was talk but he never came back.

The girls, of course, knew at least some of my background and must have told their dates some of it. I never asked but all of their dates (with the one exception mentioned above) were extremely polite to me. Apparently I did something right. 

[RadioFreeSeaLab]

True story.  A friend of mine was picking up a girl he had recently started seeing.  As he pulled up, he noticed a man in the garage, doing some bench pressing.  He approached, and saw that it was the girl's father.  My friend said, "Hi, I'm Jeremy."  The father said nothing.  He held out his hand, and in it was a rifle cartridge, which he placed in Jeremy's palm.  The catridge had "JEREMY" engraved on it, with one of those pencil engravers

[Firethorn]

When I dropped the lady off, I gave him back the firing pin he didn't notice go missing when he left the room for a minute.

I'd be careful with this...  I, at least, have a spare firing pin.

Actually, for my AR I have two complete uppers.  Each with it's own bolt.   

[Len Budney]

#11.  A deposit of $50 is required when picking up my daughter.  Curfew is at 11:00 PM.  Failure to return my daughter at/before curfew, and in good condition,  will result in forfeiture of the deposit.

What a bargain! I'll take two. 

--Len.

[Len Budney]

I've never understood the whole Dad threatening his daughters date thing. Did you raise a slut? Is your daughter incapable of saying no?

It's not about trusting the daughter. It's about trusting the boy. Any man who'd trust a boy with his daughter must have total amnesia.

--Len.

[CAnnoneer]

Blah, blah, me so scary.  Once the girl is out the door, your control of the situation is gone. No matter what you do to the punk, you can't turn the clock back. You want to protect your daughter? It is very easy - no unchaperoned dating until 18. Don't send them to college at 16.

Oh, but I am gonna talk tough and show them my gun collection. Like a teenager would remember when the opportunity presents itself... <barf>

How about actually meeting the guy and getting to know him as a person before you place your daughter in his hands? What a radical concept.

[Perd Hapley]

CAnnoneer, it really scares me when you talk like Jim Dobson.   

[CAnnoneer]

Truth is neutral. Its source is irrelevant.