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Author Topic: The patient, the carrot and the anus  (Read 2258 times)

MillCreek

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The patient, the carrot and the anus
« on: May 15, 2019, 10:15:47 AM »
Dear patient:

You came into my clinic grimacing in pain and pointing to your abdomen.  We found a translator and started to ask questions about your condition. As soon as you told us about inserting a foot-long carrot into your anus and stopped because it hurt, we had a good idea what was happening.  The aid unit responded promptly, and we heard from the hospital that you are recovering well from your emergency surgery to repair your lacerated bowel.  Please use a shorter carrot next time.
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_____________
Regards,
MillCreek
Snohomish County, WA  USA


Quote from: Angel Eyes on August 09, 2018, 01:56:15 AM
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K Frame

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Re: The patient, the carrot and the anus
« Reply #1 on: May 15, 2019, 10:16:22 AM »
Sweet jesus... no. Just no.
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WLJ

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Re: The patient, the carrot and the anus
« Reply #2 on: May 15, 2019, 10:31:06 AM »
Next stop for that carrot and other vegetables like it?
Your salad.
Enjoy that thought
« Last Edit: May 15, 2019, 11:02:09 AM by WLJ »
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Kingcreek

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Re: The patient, the carrot and the anus
« Reply #3 on: May 15, 2019, 10:48:45 AM »
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What we have here is failure to communicate.

WLJ

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Re: The patient, the carrot and the anus
« Reply #4 on: May 15, 2019, 11:03:15 AM »
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"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us".
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BobR

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Re: The patient, the carrot and the anus
« Reply #5 on: May 15, 2019, 11:06:52 AM »
I can do better than that. A decorative glass banana, with a string scotch taped to it to aid in recovery. Well, seeing as to how the area it was inserted is usually moist and the friction of repetitive in and out motion the tape failed and the banana became somewhat lost in the void and could no longer be grasped by human fingers. So what to do? Hey, I know, let's take a screwdriver and try to pry it out of the clutches of the dark abyss. You can guess how that went, glass banana chipping, bowel lacerated, blood from the damage making things even more difficult. Well, I guess I may as well go to the ER he said, honey would you drive me he said. I actually felt sorry for the wife, she just sat there looking at the floor the whole time, him I didn't care how he felt, play stupid games, win stupid prizes. I don't know if he ended up pooping in a bag for a while or not.


bob
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lupinus

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Re: The patient, the carrot and the anus
« Reply #6 on: May 15, 2019, 11:13:35 AM »
There's some things you just should do with the rabbit hole

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WLJ

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Re: The patient, the carrot and the anus
« Reply #7 on: May 15, 2019, 11:16:55 AM »
Welcome to the new normal we're suppose to embrace.
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MechAg94

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Re: The patient, the carrot and the anus
« Reply #8 on: May 15, 2019, 11:36:11 AM »
Quote from: WLJ on May 15, 2019, 10:31:06 AM
Next stop for that carrot and other vegetables like it?
Your salad.
Enjoy that thought
So was he one of those workers who do jobs Americans won't do anymore?

Did he happen to work in one of the farms where one of those E. Coli outbreaks originated from?

At least it wasn't a small mammal.
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BobR

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Re: The patient, the carrot and the anus
« Reply #9 on: May 15, 2019, 11:52:17 AM »
Quote from: MechAg94 on May 15, 2019, 11:36:11 AM
So was he one of those workers who do jobs Americans won't do anymore?

Did he happen to work in one of the farms where one of those E. Coli outbreaks originated from?

At least it wasn't a small mammal.

Whoa.... small mammal, carrots, insertion down (or up) the rabbit hole. There may be a whole new market here for those with a propensity to shove things where they really should not go. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present.............. The Gerbcicle...... the gerbil on a carrot.......soon to be available in your frozen food section.


bob
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Angel Eyes

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Re: The patient, the carrot and the anus
« Reply #10 on: May 15, 2019, 01:47:11 PM »
"What's up, doc?"
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brimic

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Re: The patient, the carrot and the anus
« Reply #11 on: May 15, 2019, 01:54:15 PM »
After reading the title of this thread, I didn't want to read it, but I had to anyway...
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WLJ

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Re: The patient, the carrot and the anus
« Reply #12 on: May 15, 2019, 01:55:32 PM »
Quote from: MechAg94 on May 15, 2019, 11:36:11 AM
So was he one of those workers who do jobs Americans won't do anymore?

Did he happen to work in one of the farms where one of those E. Coli outbreaks originated from?

At least it wasn't a small mammal.

Sometimes I wonder
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makattak

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Re: The patient, the carrot and the anus
« Reply #13 on: May 15, 2019, 03:04:41 PM »
Er... I... uh..

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230RN

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Re: The patient, the carrot and the anus
« Reply #14 on: May 15, 2019, 05:48:08 PM »
"It was a million to one chance, Doc.  A million to one."  --Cosmo Kramer

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WHATEVER YOUR DEFINITION OF "INFRINGE " IS, YOU SHOULDN'T BE DOING IT.

BlueStarLizzard

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Re: The patient, the carrot and the anus
« Reply #15 on: May 15, 2019, 07:04:03 PM »
Quote from: MechAg94 on May 15, 2019, 11:36:11 AM
So was he one of those workers who do jobs Americans won't do anymore?

Did he happen to work in one of the farms where one of those E. Coli outbreaks originated from?

At least it wasn't a small mammal.

Quote
One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck up his ass. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all, but next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So, I run into him a week later in the mall and he's buying another cat. And I says to him, "Jesus, Walt! What are you doing? You know you're just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass too. Why don't you knock it off?" And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy.
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JN01

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Re: The patient, the carrot and the anus
« Reply #16 on: May 15, 2019, 07:06:46 PM »
He could've had a V-8.
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HeroHog

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Re: The patient, the carrot and the anus
« Reply #17 on: May 15, 2019, 07:49:02 PM »
Dachshunds were made to get rats in tunnels, THAT'S what he needs!  [popcorn]
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Ben

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Re: The patient, the carrot and the anus
« Reply #18 on: May 15, 2019, 10:27:48 PM »
Quote from: HeroHog on May 15, 2019, 07:49:02 PM
Dachshunds were made to get rats in tunnels, THAT'S what he needs!  [popcorn]

Actually badgers. Dachs = badger in German. :)
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HeroHog

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Re: The patient, the carrot and the anus
« Reply #19 on: May 15, 2019, 10:58:13 PM »
Quote
The dachshund (UK: /ˈdakshʊnd/[2] or US: /ˈdɑːkshʊnt/ DAHKS-huunt [3] or /ˈdɑːksənt/;[4] English: badger dog; also known as the sausage dog or wiener dog) is a short-legged, long-bodied, hound-type dog breed. They may be smooth-haired, wire-haired, or long-haired.

The standard-size dachshund was developed to scent, chase, and flush out badgers and other burrow-dwelling animals, while the miniature dachshund was bred to hunt smaller prey such as rabbits. In the Western United States, they have also been used to track wounded deer and hunt prairie dogs.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dachshund

 :old:
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zxcvbob

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Re: The patient, the carrot and the anus
« Reply #20 on: May 15, 2019, 11:05:32 PM »
Stinking badgers...
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Andiron

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Re: The patient, the carrot and the anus
« Reply #21 on: May 15, 2019, 11:19:48 PM »
Hahahahah.

Anyone remember Jarsquatter?

I'm only posting the "know your meme" link,  since the actual gif is easily enough found but impossible to unsee.

https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/1-guy-1-jar
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230RN

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Re: The patient, the carrot and the anus
« Reply #22 on: May 16, 2019, 12:36:39 AM »
And the link is impossible to unread.
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WHATEVER YOUR DEFINITION OF "INFRINGE " IS, YOU SHOULDN'T BE DOING IT.

Triphammer

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Re: The patient, the carrot and the anus
« Reply #23 on: May 16, 2019, 12:39:26 AM »
WE don need no steenking badgers!
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Jamisjockey

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Re: The patient, the carrot and the anus
« Reply #24 on: May 16, 2019, 12:45:17 AM »
Quote from: WLJ on May 15, 2019, 11:16:55 AM
Welcome to the new normal we're suppose to embrace.
;/. People have been sticking things in their asses for centuries
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