My family tends to go overboard when it comes to gifts. It's not a competition or a show-off thing it's just the way they are (and always have been). This causes problems because my wife grew up in a family that gave gifts for Chrsitmas, but didn't go overboard and it wasn't what Christmas was all about so when my family does their thing, it just creates chaos at home for me. Complicating this is that the members of my family, all of them (dad, step-mom, brothers,etc.) all have defining traits that we do not want to encourage in our son. So how do we do what's best for him when the reality is we don't them to have too much of an influence on him? There is a new niece in the family that is about a year younger than he is, but no other small children.
I do believe that it is in a child's best interests to know his family warts and all, and when he is older and can comprehend it, using members of my family (and myself) as teaching opportunities.
This isn't a marriage breaker for us, but I have already decided that we are going to counseling for this after the first of the year. Our arguements go round and round and we rarely make any progress. This is unusual for us.
W
I'm going to say this, and it may be just an opinion, but from what you've told me, it wouldn't hurt for a few years to send cards and gifts to those family members you feel compelled to, and make it a holiday for you, the wife, and your son for a while. Go see the relatives the week after, or the week before, if you just have to.
But your marriage is by far the most important relationship in play. It may be hard, but if you do this, you will:
1) Honor her by showing her that she is more important to you than all the (in comparison) distant relatives.
2) Come off as her hero-- could be REAL good for you.
3) Expose your son to that part of the family, AS YOU SAID, once he is old enough to process right & wrong, and life choices.
I have a brother I'm not real fond of having my kids around-- he's a drug dealer, has a couple of illegitimate kids, and is generally not what I want my kids around. For a while, until the youngest was around 8, we really didn't make a big deal of it, we just arranged to come around my parents' home during the holidays during a time when he was not there.
I wish you well,
Fig