Well, I've been snowboarding now. Turns out that I learned a totally new (to me) way of falling, which I was informed is known as "helicoptering". I got helicoptering down to an art.
The short version: Rented board, boots, and helmet. Got owned by the bunny hill, repeatedly. Experienced a variety of falls, many induced by catching the front edge of my board. Cracked the back of my head hard enough during one tumble that I had a headache, even with the helmet; without the helmet I'd have likely been knocked out. After a half dozen "green circle" runs with my buddy coaching, I attempted a "blue square". I got even more owned by that run. I then decided that I was going to head for the lodge before I killed myself. I told my mentor to go have fun, and find me when he was ready to head. I spent the rest of my time on the mountain with a cup of coffee, and watched the ten years old kids tear up the slalom.
Guess I'm just not a snowboarder.