Background nutshell: BrokenMa and I are the keepers of a small, eclectic-path Grove that we have opened up to the pagan community in our area because, well, there aren't too many places nearby that are safe, secure, private, full of trees, and owned by someone who would allow a bunch of pagans to gather every full moon, quarter, and cross-quarter. So. By acclamation of our members we are the Elders of the Grove, and as such we act in something of a ministerial/counseling capacity for several of them.
Of late, communication among many of them has broken down, because no one will be
honest with anyone else. For example (and using fake names for illustrative purposes), if Bill has a problem with Mary, Bill doesn't
tell Mary. Instead, he gritches about Mary to me, and to BrokenMa[0], but at another time he
also gritches to Susan. Bob, who happens to have been sitting nearby, overhears Bill talking to Susan, and confides in his friend Jane that he's concerned about Bill, because of the situation he overheard. Jane, being the fix-it type, runs to Mary, and tells Mary that Bill is saying
foo, bar, and baz about her.
Jane, having gotten the story second-hand, gets salient parts of the story
wrong, and now Mary is mad at Bill, not for what Bill said, but for what Jane
thinks Bill said, because she heard it from Bob.
So rather than going and talking to Bill directly, Mary goes to talk to her best friend Susan, and Susan (who doesn't know that Mary learned about things from Jane's interception of what Bob was saying), pretends not to know what's going on with Bill, because she doesn't want Mary to think that she (Susan) is talking about her behind her back.
Then, Susan takes it upon herself to go castigate Bill for what Mary told her (because now she "officially" knows something because Mary told her). But because Mary's version (which is also Susan's version) isn't actually what Bill originally said, Bill gets upset at Mary for accusing him of things that he didn't say, and gets mad at Susan for telling Mary (which she didn't), and doesn't believe her when she denies telling anyone, since she's the only one he told.
And on, and on. Confused yet? I am. And I
know all of these people.
If someone has a problem with something I'm doing, I would
much rather they come to me, and tell me what they think I'm doing, and give me a chance to either correct their perception, or realize they're right and apologize, or tell them that they'll have to cope with it because I'm doing what I'm doing because I think it's the right thing to do.
I don't particularly like confrontation myself, but I'd rather go to someone directly if I have an issue with them, then to ask Jill to tell Mike to beg Ed to have Julie pass them a note after fourth period.
That's how it all feels; like seventh grade. In fact, my daughter came home from school one afternoon and told BrokenMa and me about a situation at school where two girls liked the same guy, but he liked a third girl, and his friends were trying to keep that from the girls' friends, and everyone was playing go-between and the he-said, she-said game, and it all sounded exactly like what my Grove members are doing.
Why won't people just
talk to one another? Clear the air? Maybe even get angry, but at least for the right reasons?
Avoiding conflict to such an extent that it ultimately causes more,
worse conflict makes no sense to me. Then again, my element is Fire, and I'm preemptive by nature.
BrokenMa and I have talked about this for hours and hours on end, and we've suggested things to various individuals, like "if you have a problem with A because B told you he said C, talk to A, don't talk to D". Some of them are choosing to back down and look at things logically, but some are obstinately refusing to calm down. And I can't make them; I'm a counselor and de facto clergy, not a martinet.
I can't talk to any of them about any of them, because that would break confidences and would also contribute to the problem I'm trying to resolve. So I vented here. If you've read this far, thank you. I know there's not much to be done but be a calming influence. It's very difficult for me
not to intervene. But as they say, you can lead a horse to water...
Namaste,
-BP
- Which is fine; as the Elders, we are here for them to vent to.
