Author Topic: I have issues. No, seriously.  (Read 3336 times)

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I have issues. No, seriously.
« on: December 22, 2005, 07:14:30 PM »
Ok. This is long, probably self-absorbed, and stupid. I'm going to look at it later, hate it, and delete it. Ahem.

The last five years of my life have been high-stress. I was living the "series of unfortunate events" before it was a gleam in Lemony Snicket's eye. Alright, after a check on Amazon, he might have gotten the idea a little earlier. Close enough.

Now, the typical cultural expectation of the sole surviving male of a family is that he pulls everything together, solves the problems, carries his share of the load, and heroically works through the adversity toward triumph. That didn't exactly work for me. At fourteen, there isn't a whole lot you can do about the issues that can pile up when someone dies, especially the financial kind. I also lacked the self discipline to carry on with home-educating myself. Hell, I barely did anything except work fairly hard at finishing the move that had been in progress.

Anger? Disbelief? Feeling cheated, ripped off, seeing opportunities fade? Hell yeah. Bitterness is a nasty thing, but it apparently gradually dies away. Either that or as time passes, you forget and stop caring so much.

Men aren't meant to be powerless. For lack of a better word, it's emotionally castrating. I was stuck in a ratty old farmhouse in the country- I couldn't exactly go work McDonalds and help supplement the non-existing income. I couldn't save the day, or help in any meaningful way. The day to day things that do make a difference, I barely did. We scraped by on gifts and occasional selling of posessions. I don't know what to define myself as, I was never the best at sitting still for working through math and science, although I can sit through just about anything as long as it isn't absolutely incredibly tedious and I'm not the one doing it. Depression? Pity fits? Been there, grew through it. But I've still never done more than the bare minimum. Some people told me that was alright, I was a teen, that was expected. My mother told me I wasn't pulling the weight of a toddler, and how she had to singlehandedly take care of five-something kids from a much younger age when her mother was overwhelmed after a catastrophic housefire and loss of the head of the family. It's not like she sat around doing nothing, just keeping things organized and working toward a solution occupied a lot of her time. We wasted a year or three trying to sell the house in TN before an Amish up and bought the farm in NY, and now we're living in a house that had cheap cosmetic fixes to help sell it, which don't hold up to daily living. That isn't how I wanted to do it, but it seems that everything sensible I wanted done, wasn't, and most things I agreed on, weren't that great.

Here I live in my room when I'm not doing yard work or chores. The same as all the other times. Was it escapism when things were really hard that eventually became a habit? I think so. My whole life had become a series of trips up and down the east coast moving vanloads of furniture and professional weaving and shop equipment up to NY- at least when we came back summer before last we had a pair of cattle trucks to haul in, courtesy of my uncle (Who still charged. Wink). Much more comfortable to play games and find reading material, advanced technical skills, and whatnot from my chair than to face things that frankly I wasn't able to do much about. My respect for organized religion went down the toilet, when I saw old gay friends of my mom doing more to help us (actually doing things) than any church (we'll pray for you, and why don't you collect social security?).

I was a super-emotional child. Now, not so much at all. I'm what you would call apathetic which is why seeing people get worked up by one thing or another always surprises me. I can work when I have it focused right and when I'm working with other people, it's as if nothing at all is wrong with me. I just can't work alone on most things. My problem is I can't shake procrastination. I can't shake the fact that I really don't give a *expletive deleted*it about organizing the carport, or clearing out the garage, even if things I need to do depend on it (although if I need to do something bad enough it'll get taken care of). It's like there are parts of me that are broken or huddled up or just dead. That bothers the hell out of me, because for years I've been confused and angry at myself for being apparently defective. For the first year or so I did ok, but with no end in sight and absolutely numbing circumstances, I guess things wore me down.

So after all that time up there, going through freezing winters when we ran out of fuel for the woodstove, digging a trench out behind one of the falling down barns when the well pump failed, visiting the gas station in town every week to fill up water, I though coming here would solve everything. Living in a suburb of town, running water, reliable electricity, DSL, etc.

It didn't. It's marginally better. The upstairs bathroom has some sort of crack in the toilet now - which leaked into the second bathroom causing massive water damage. I'm pretty sure carpenter ants are in the downstairs subfloor, and the foundation is settling unevenly causing some floors to buckle subtley and archways to crack. The HVAC rusted to hell during the rainy season last spring when the basement flooded. No heat or A/C. Motherf***er. WTF can I do to fix a furnace- go rob a drug dealer in Knoxville to pay for it? Gah. What we had left over from selling the farm property is draining away. My mom's been working most of the time on starting her weaving business. She's a genuine professional and will probably do well, so I help with that. That isn't much of a big deal. I have a webhosting company I started, and if I keep at it, it'll be my first good accomplishment, period. Supporting myself, what a novel concept. I want that, I work toward it, I'm getting there. But still.

The point behind the various 'catastrophes' and 'bad things' isn't to whine about them or get sympathy. No one honestly wants to hear that crap, or thinks much of someone who talks about it. Annoying things happen to everybody, we all learn to deal with it. I don't expect any part of my life to appear especially unique or worthy of interest. It's my being faced by things that should result in bringing out the best in me, and not being able to muster myself to even do what's expected. It's not like I've listed down a third of everything, either. The thing I'm trying to use them to illustrate is, situations like that have become normal day-to-day life for me, and my disbelief at how poorly I've performed in those situations. I'm not sure if that ultimately has a healthy effect.

I'm still unmotivated. I don't see how I can face all of these things and not be the most motivated, disciplined, capable-of-working-until-things-are-dandy person on the freakin' planet. I'm considered lazy. I haven't educated myself beyond a tenth grade level because I couldn't be arsed to study or do the work, and when there's no one to make sure you do it, you don't. I only had reading and an Amiga500 for entertainment as a kid so my vocabulary is big enough to fool everyone. When I'm applied, learning is easy. History was cake, all you have to do is read it. I have an above average memory- this causes fights when I remember something and someone else dis-remembers, there's some creativity left in me, and enough reasoning capability that I'm probably going to go through college if I can get that far at all.

I get bored with routine stuff. I always want to do things my way, and if not, why not? I can be a real pain in the ass, I can notice too much, I get lost pursuing my own thoughts, repetition bores and kills me unless it's enjoyable, I've always got my nose in a book, I don't always pay terribly close attention to directions, I'll go beyond the level of what's necessary or practicality when it comes to planning innovation, I'm a perfectionist which is why I'll try something, see how poorly I do, and never want to try again (experience is beating that, though), I'll take on too much and get overwhelmed (which is the easiest way to stop me in my tracks), I'm cynical, sarcastic, and rebellious, extremely self-critical, have many specialized interests that I'll probably never get the chance to realize or pursue, and I worry way too much. There is so much I could be doing but it's like there's an electrical circuit required and most of the time, it just doesn't click.

By now there's too many "what-ifs" and half-completed possibilities for me to boogie on over to the local Marines recruiter- although if I could go back in time and tell myself to do it at 17, I would. Hell, I'd be out in a few years. But dammit, I want to know WTF is wrong with me when it comes to apathy, procrastination, and an overall bad attitude. My attitude toward people 'treating' themselves chemically for various 'disorders' hasn't been good, since it seems stupid. Now I'm not so sure.

Feh. I'm good at hiding all this stuff. What's on the inside doesn't count, because no-one else can see it.

I just want to function normally. undecided

grampster

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« Reply #1 on: December 22, 2005, 07:19:04 PM »
Crap.  You're right it's long.  I started, stopped, scrolled and posted this.  Now I gotta go back and read it.  Gackk.  Well, OK, it's important to you, so I take back the Gackk.
I'll be back.  I also didn't want this post to go to 100 views before somebody replied. So, I like you.  What can I do?
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Justin

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« Reply #2 on: December 22, 2005, 07:31:14 PM »
You're not the only one.

I wish I had a solution.  Hell, if I did, I'd be a lot better off.

The best suggestion I have is this:

Seek out people who inspire you and are able to motivate you.
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SpookyPistolero

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« Reply #3 on: December 22, 2005, 07:50:08 PM »
If it's any consolation, I've gone through (and continue to go through) a lot of the same emotions. I do not mean this in any condescending way, nor do I mean to imply that you're being at all self-centered (you're not), but I have always found that the times I am happiest in life is due to an 'outward' life focus. I am more worried about helping out other people, getting goals accomplished, and just generally trying to improve the lives of everyone around me, in big and small ways. I am usually at my worst when things turn 'inward'. At this point, I start constantly noting how I feel, worrying about what's wrong with me, why I'm failing/not good enough/insert defeatist comment here. It simply spirals downward and I shut off from others, stop caring and stop working as hard as I commonly do. It gets worse until you get a kick to the head or time lets it wear off.

To speed things up I just have to consciously watch where my thoughts go, and make sure they are 'outward'.

All this is just sort of my own experiences leading to a portion of a personal philosophy, but I thought that maybe some of it might help you out since a lot of the emotions seem to be similar.

Best of luck with things. For now, make sure you're getting plenty of sleep, getting a healthy diet (take vitamins) and exercising. Enjoy the very small stuff, focus on breathing a lot. Concentrate on completely small, digestible tasks or portions of tasks. Just know life is only meant to be lived, no big secrets. Then decide how you want to live it. Think out, not in.
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« Reply #4 on: December 22, 2005, 07:57:48 PM »
Delete it now, Ace. :-P

Quote from: Blackburn
Ok. This is long, probably self-absorbed, and stupid. I'm going to look at it later, hate it, and delete it. Ahem.

The last five years of my life have been high-stress. I was living the "series of unfortunate events" before it was a gleam in Lemony Snicket's eye. Alright, after a check on Amazon, he might have gotten the idea a little earlier. Close enough.

Now, the typical cultural expectation of the sole surviving male of a family is that he pulls everything together, solves the problems, carries his share of the load, and heroically works through the adversity toward triumph. That didn't exactly work for me. At fourteen, there isn't a whole lot you can do about the issues that can pile up when someone dies, especially the financial kind. I also lacked the self discipline to carry on with home-educating myself. Hell, I barely did anything except work fairly hard at finishing the move that had been in progress.

Anger? Disbelief? Feeling cheated, ripped off, seeing opportunities fade? Hell yeah. Bitterness is a nasty thing, but it apparently gradually dies away. Either that or as time passes, you forget and stop caring so much.

Men aren't meant to be powerless. For lack of a better word, it's emotionally castrating. I was stuck in a ratty old farmhouse in the country- I couldn't exactly go work McDonalds and help supplement the non-existing income. I couldn't save the day, or help in any meaningful way. The day to day things that do make a difference, I barely did. We scraped by on gifts and occasional selling of posessions. I don't know what to define myself as, I was never the best at sitting still for working through math and science, although I can sit through just about anything as long as it isn't absolutely incredibly tedious and I'm not the one doing it. Depression? Pity fits? Been there, grew through it. But I've still never done more than the bare minimum. Some people told me that was alright, I was a teen, that was expected. My mother told me I wasn't pulling the weight of a toddler, and how she had to singlehandedly take care of five-something kids from a much younger age when her mother was overwhelmed after a catastrophic housefire and loss of the head of the family. It's not like she sat around doing nothing, just keeping things organized and working toward a solution occupied a lot of her time. We wasted a year or three trying to sell the house in TN before an Amish up and bought the farm in NY, and now we're living in a house that had cheap cosmetic fixes to help sell it, which don't hold up to daily living. That isn't how I wanted to do it, but it seems that everything sensible I wanted done, wasn't, and most things I agreed on, weren't that great.

Here I live in my room when I'm not doing yard work or chores. The same as all the other times. Was it escapism when things were really hard that eventually became a habit? I think so. My whole life had become a series of trips up and down the east coast moving vanloads of furniture and professional weaving and shop equipment up to NY- at least when we came back summer before last we had a pair of cattle trucks to haul in, courtesy of my uncle (Who still charged. Wink). Much more comfortable to play games and find reading material, advanced technical skills, and whatnot from my chair than to face things that frankly I wasn't able to do much about. My respect for organized religion went down the toilet, when I saw old gay friends of my mom doing more to help us (actually doing things) than any church (we'll pray for you, and why don't you collect social security?).

I was a super-emotional child. Now, not so much at all. I'm what you would call apathetic which is why seeing people get worked up by one thing or another always surprises me. I can work when I have it focused right and when I'm working with other people, it's as if nothing at all is wrong with me. I just can't work alone on most things. My problem is I can't shake procrastination. I can't shake the fact that I really don't give a *expletive deleted*it about organizing the carport, or clearing out the garage, even if things I need to do depend on it (although if I need to do something bad enough it'll get taken care of). It's like there are parts of me that are broken or huddled up or just dead. That bothers the hell out of me, because for years I've been confused and angry at myself for being apparently defective. For the first year or so I did ok, but with no end in sight and absolutely numbing circumstances, I guess things wore me down.

So after all that time up there, going through freezing winters when we ran out of fuel for the woodstove, digging a trench out behind one of the falling down barns when the well pump failed, visiting the gas station in town every week to fill up water, I though coming here would solve everything. Living in a suburb of town, running water, reliable electricity, DSL, etc.

It didn't. It's marginally better. The upstairs bathroom has some sort of crack in the toilet now - which leaked into the second bathroom causing massive water damage. I'm pretty sure carpenter ants are in the downstairs subfloor, and the foundation is settling unevenly causing some floors to buckle subtley and archways to crack. The HVAC rusted to hell during the rainy season last spring when the basement flooded. No heat or A/C. Motherf***er. WTF can I do to fix a furnace- go rob a drug dealer in Knoxville to pay for it? Gah. What we had left over from selling the farm property is draining away. My mom's been working most of the time on starting her weaving business. She's a genuine professional and will probably do well, so I help with that. That isn't much of a big deal. I have a webhosting company I started, and if I keep at it, it'll be my first good accomplishment, period. Supporting myself, what a novel concept. I want that, I work toward it, I'm getting there. But still.

The point behind the various 'catastrophes' and 'bad things' isn't to whine about them or get sympathy. No one honestly wants to hear that crap, or thinks much of someone who talks about it. Annoying things happen to everybody, we all learn to deal with it. I don't expect any part of my life to appear especially unique or worthy of interest. It's my being faced by things that should result in bringing out the best in me, and not being able to muster myself to even do what's expected. It's not like I've listed down a third of everything, either. The thing I'm trying to use them to illustrate is, situations like that have become normal day-to-day life for me, and my disbelief at how poorly I've performed in those situations. I'm not sure if that ultimately has a healthy effect.

I'm still unmotivated. I don't see how I can face all of these things and not be the most motivated, disciplined, capable-of-working-until-things-are-dandy person on the freakin' planet. I'm considered lazy. I haven't educated myself beyond a tenth grade level because I couldn't be arsed to study or do the work, and when there's no one to make sure you do it, you don't. I only had reading and an Amiga500 for entertainment as a kid so my vocabulary is big enough to fool everyone. When I'm applied, learning is easy. History was cake, all you have to do is read it. I have an above average memory- this causes fights when I remember something and someone else dis-remembers, there's some creativity left in me, and enough reasoning capability that I'm probably going to go through college if I can get that far at all.

I get bored with routine stuff. I always want to do things my way, and if not, why not? I can be a real pain in the ass, I can notice too much, I get lost pursuing my own thoughts, repetition bores and kills me unless it's enjoyable, I've always got my nose in a book, I don't always pay terribly close attention to directions, I'll go beyond the level of what's necessary or practicality when it comes to planning innovation, I'm a perfectionist which is why I'll try something, see how poorly I do, and never want to try again (experience is beating that, though), I'll take on too much and get overwhelmed (which is the easiest way to stop me in my tracks), I'm cynical, sarcastic, and rebellious, extremely self-critical, have many specialized interests that I'll probably never get the chance to realize or pursue, and I worry way too much. There is so much I could be doing but it's like there's an electrical circuit required and most of the time, it just doesn't click.

By now there's too many "what-ifs" and half-completed possibilities for me to boogie on over to the local Marines recruiter- although if I could go back in time and tell myself to do it at 17, I would. Hell, I'd be out in a few years. But dammit, I want to know WTF is wrong with me when it comes to apathy, procrastination, and an overall bad attitude. My attitude toward people 'treating' themselves chemically for various 'disorders' hasn't been good, since it seems stupid. Now I'm not so sure.

Feh. I'm good at hiding all this stuff. What's on the inside doesn't count, because no-one else can see it.

I just want to function normally. undecided

BakerMikeRomeo

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« Reply #5 on: December 22, 2005, 08:03:16 PM »
It might sound a little weak coming from someone who's always lived a comfortable middle to upper-middle class existence on the sweat off his parents' backs, but I know _exactly_ how you feel about routine stuff, delving too deep and becoming overwhelmed, and especially about extending a tendril into something and fleeing from it entirely when that tendril gets burned (I still don't know how to ride a bike because of that), feeling as though you _can't_ beat your own procrastination.

I vaguely recall that in 7th and 8th grade, my mom got me on a prescription of Zoloft, and I was doing well there for a while, and, at the time, I thought it was stupid, too. Looking back on it, though, I think that it might really have helped. If there's any way for you to look into any kind of... erf.. don't know the word for it.. ah, finding out if anything might be _chemically_ wrong (as silly as it may sound, psychiatrists and psychiatric medicines wouldn't be around if there weren't actual problems for them to treat, L. Ron Hubbard be damned) that could be medically treated to give you a boost on the road to success.

Hope it helps a touch,
~GnSx

grampster

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« Reply #6 on: December 22, 2005, 08:03:40 PM »
OK.  You're a smart kid.  (Or...you're a wise old guy running a scam on a couple of boards.)

First comment:  *expletive deleted*it happens.  Some things you are born into.  That is reality.

Second comment:  Go to the library and read as many chronicles (not history books, but chronicles; the real stuff), about what it was like to be born in what would become The United States of America.  All the period before, say, 1950.  Then read European History as noted by those who were there and wrote down their thoughts.

Third comment:  Put that into perspective as a platform to support your decisions and use what you know and have experienced to put a positive, civilized spin on your remaining time on earth.  

Fourth comment:  It won't take as long, nor require much effort to catch a thread of meaning in a rather cursory attempt at the above #2.
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Fjolnirsson

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« Reply #7 on: December 22, 2005, 09:34:45 PM »
Funny, all this time, I thought Blackburn was a cynical, angry mid thirties fellow. Tongue
Now it makes a lot more sense.
Ok, I see A LOT of parellels between you and I. A lot of the same crap I've gone through. All those emotions you described? BTDT. I've spent the better portion of my life moving from one crisis situation to another. The good news is, with lots of concentrated effort, it's possible to use those experiences to cause great change. As an example, I moved out on my own at 21. At 24, I aquired a mortgage. At 29, I sold that home, and paid cash for a 1672 square foot home. I used the lessons learned from a hard life to guarantee my future. By the way, I still wish I had a degree, it would have made things easier.
However, I did jack #$%$, until the age of 23. That's how long it took for me to pull out of the rut I was born into. It's hard, but keep your head up, and you can do it.
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Guest

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« Reply #8 on: December 22, 2005, 11:58:22 PM »
If you're living with your mother who is struggling to make ends meet and you're not going to school or working, you need to get off your ass and do something productive. Quit worrying about your emotional bullshit and get a job.

(Ok, that probably sounded harsh but its reality. I wish you luck on the other part of it but you need to do something concrete and you'll find the self-esteem stuff will probably take care of itself.)

280plus

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« Reply #9 on: December 23, 2005, 02:36:32 AM »
At the very least there may be an organization in your area that would do something about helping you get your furnace fixed. There may also may be counselors available to you at little or no charge to help you sort these questions out. I'd stay away from the drugs if I could. While I've seen quite a few messed up kids straighten their act out by joing the service I've also seen just as many who made their lives worse by it. You need a certain mindset going in and I'm not sure you have that. If all you have to worry about is yourself, the Marines might not be be all that bad a choice for you. As long as you know pretty much what you're getting yourself into.

Just some thoughts...
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Antibubba

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« Reply #10 on: December 23, 2005, 03:08:29 AM »
I've been there, brought on by different causes, but I've gotten through.  While I agree that antidepressant medication would certainly help for a while (they've certainly helped me), I'm certainly in no position to determine your mental state.  I do know that all the meds in the world won't help if you don't get good counseling; talking to a real, live person (as far as you know, WE are just sophisticated software programs) who can respond, before you can edit yourself-well, there's no substitute.

But if I were going to put on my pop psychology hat, I would say you have a case of PTSD.  And yes, I've been there too, so I ain't just jabberin'.
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mtnbkr

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« Reply #11 on: December 23, 2005, 03:23:08 AM »
Quote
Taco Bell etc. would drive me completely insane, and what I'd make in a month, she *can* make by weaving and selling just one custom garment. That's not a pie in the sky long shot, that's a medium priced custom Tallit or Katan that could take a week to make, pre-designed ones more like a few days. Clearly it has been a better use of my time to put as much of myself as possible into making her business become viable, and she's got some major religious people within a specific sort of denomination wearing her stuff (gifts in exchange for reccomendation / some have actually paid). It'll support the heck out of her when it's going. It's slowly starting to take off.
Get off your ass and work.  It doesn't matter if mommy can make more money with one garment than you'd make in a month, she apparently isn't selling enough to get things done.  Your meager salary will add to the pool of money no matter how small.

At this point any money is worth chasing, even if it's minimum wage.  

BTW, if money is so tight, what the hell are you doing online?  That's another $10-$40/month right there.  Internet access, even today, is a luxury.

Chris

280plus

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« Reply #12 on: December 23, 2005, 03:45:14 AM »
The lack of motivation rings of depression. If you've lost your father early (which is what I'm gathering) you are most likely depressed by that. You also feel you have failed at things most 14 year olds would also have failed at. You're too hard on yourself. Everyone fails and everyone succeeds, it's part of life. Stop beating yourself up over things you had no control over and try to pick yourself up and start taking care of business.   Sometimes just identifying the reason for your depression is enough to trigger a breakthrough. "Oh, the reason I'm thinking and behaving in this manner is because of depression brought on by the loss of my father. It's a perfectly reasonable reaction but I must learn to overcome it and get on with my life."

How far are you from Albany and in what direction?
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griz

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« Reply #13 on: December 23, 2005, 04:55:35 AM »
It sounds harsh but is great advice: Work at something. It can be school or a real job, but don't just vegitate. Most entry level jobs are not as mentally challenging as being the CEO of your own company, but ANY job will have its boring aspects. If you doubt that, ask someone that you trust if they don't have days, even weeks, that seem to be a drab blur. That's part of life, make it more interesting by challenging yourself. If you want to talk, or want more crappy advice, feel free to PM me.
Good luck.
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« Reply #14 on: December 23, 2005, 05:26:59 AM »
I think Griz is right.  Then again, most of the posts are right.  You do need to get off your ass and do something.  I don't know that your are clinically depressed and in need to chemical treatment,  as you have a firm grasp on the realities of your situation, etc.

What you need to do is find something.  Kind of like Billy Crystal in City Slickers.  When you find that one thing, that motivation, that thing that gets you out of bed in the morning and lets you look at each day as a blessing, not a curse, your entire world will change.

As for the military, it can help you grow up, but unless you've really decided that serving in uniform is what you want to do more than anything else, it's likely to make you more depressed instead of improve your outlook.

Blackburn, you seem to have a gift for writing.  Do you enjoy it?  Ever considered trying to write stories?

bermbuster

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« Reply #15 on: December 23, 2005, 06:26:06 AM »
Quote from: Blackburn
Men aren't meant to be powerless.
Some males are men at 17, some are not.

Quote
..... But I've still never done more than the bare minimum. Some people told me that was alright, I was a teen, that was expected. My mother told me I wasn't pulling the weight of a toddler, and how she had to singlehandedly take care of five-something kids from a much younger age when her mother was overwhelmed after a catastrophic housefire and loss of the head of the family. It's not like she sat around doing nothing, just keeping things organized and working toward a solution occupied a lot of her time.....
It is unfortunate that you have not used the example of your mother to model your own life.

Quote
.....I just want to function normally. undecided
I do hope someone with analysis skills answers you. We all want to function normally.  Perhaps if I live long enough I will receive enlightenment and learn what "normal" is.

For now, I think pitching in and helping your mom in any way you can should be task number one.  Clean the house, fix things you can, make her life easier.  She is supporting you.  You owe her everything.  Get your GED.  You certainly write well and sound smart enough to do that.  Get a job, any job.  You'd be surprised how the challenge of bringing in money to help the household will distract you from "issues."

Moondoggie

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« Reply #16 on: December 23, 2005, 05:57:08 PM »
Dude.....get a JOB.  Anything for a paycheck.  "Tradin' my time for the pay I get."  You've got the time, use it to improve your immediate situation and also help out your Mom.  It will probably be a great relief to her to see you becoming a more productive member of society.  Probably give her a warm fuzzy feeling inside to think that her son is beginning to make it on his own.

"Fast food slavery?"  You think you're too good to provide a service to other people that they're willing to pay for?  Your options are what....atomic brain surgery for fun and profit??  You're young, inexperienced, and barely educated.  If you look up "Entry Level" in the dictionary you'll probably see your picture next to the definition.  Here's a revelation from an old prosperous dude....every job is a stepping stone to a better job and nobody starts at the top.

Let me give you a little clue;  ALL HONEST WORK IS AN HONORABLE UNDERTAKING.  I couldn't list all of the different jobs I've had (In addition to my military career) in order to meet my obligations/responsibilities:  janitor, farm work, paperboy, busboy, kitchen boy, fast food, line cook, cab driver, school bus driver, bouncer, security guard, liquor store clerk, Domino's delivery driver, truck driver.  I've had a part time job in addition to a full time job most of my adult life.  

I can say one thing with absolute certainty; if you don't break out of this cycle of cynicism and resignation you're going to "grow up" to be that 35 year old in his underwear at the keyboard in a bedroom of his mother's house.  I don't mean to be sexist, but most women consider what kind of provider a man shapes up to be when they're thinking about commiting to a relationship.

Opportunity hasn't kicked your door in yet, and it rarely does.  You need to get out of the house and hunt it down.

BTW, you obviously have issues regarding your Father's death, but this hasn't been a good time for your Mom, either.

Reach down and get ahold of 'em, Sport!
Known from coast to coast, almost!

grampster

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« Reply #17 on: December 23, 2005, 08:14:58 PM »
Blackburn,

Through no fault of your own, you were assimilated into life.  Sadly, you became a man much too soon for our times.  So now you must shoulder that burden and begin to have some worth, especially in your own eyes.  It is possible.  It can be fun.  It will be worthwhile.

Collective worth is somehow perceived as having something to do with formal education.  Personal worth, in reality has to do with education you have absorbed and the administration of that.  Make it work for you.  To hell with collective worth.

Set your mind to being your own man.  But, you will find that a symbiotic relationship will occur, necessarily, with others.  That is why your anger needs to be directed into ambition.  More bees have been captured by honey than with vinegar.  That ambition must not become ruthlessness, merely a quest for personal worth.

You are a very bright young man.  As such, you thus are prepared for the reality in which you find yourself.  Thank your stars that you are not the opposite:  In your reality, but clueless.

Actually, that is, er, normal.  I don't think collective normalcy is for you.
"Never wrestle with a pig.  You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it."  G.B. Shaw

280plus

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« Reply #18 on: December 23, 2005, 11:15:07 PM »
Quote
every job is a stepping stone to a better job and nobody starts at the top.
+1
Avoid cliches like the plague!

Felonious Monk/Fignozzle

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« Reply #19 on: December 24, 2005, 05:46:54 PM »
Quote from: grampster
Set your mind to being your own man.  But, you will find that a symbiotic relationship will occur, necessarily, with others.  That is why your anger needs to be directed into ambition.  More bees have been captured by honey than with vinegar.  That ambition must not become ruthlessness, merely a quest for personal worth.

You are a very bright young man.  As such, you thus are prepared for the reality in which you find yourself.  Thank your stars that you are not the opposite:  In your reality, but clueless.

Actually, that is, er, normal.  I don't think collective normalcy is for you.
Okay, I'll add my assessment and will bill you accordingly. Wink

At a very formative age, the rug was pulled out from under you, kid.  I'd have some issues, too.  Abe Lincoln did, too.  Battled depression all his life.

We don't all start the race of Life at the same point, or with the same advantages.
You cannot change the past.  You CAN gain some perspective and understanding of it with the help of a skilled counselor--this I would HIGHLY recommend for you, not because I'm looking at you and saying "geez, what an f'd up kid", but because I'm looking at you and saying "I can see the flashes of brilliance shining through the charred crust on the outside".

You cannot dictate the future.  We have some choices to make, and many times we find out too late that the little choices of each day steer the ship into the harbor in which you will eventually find yourself.

For someone your age to have started a webhosting company or ISP, is impressive, admirable, and speaks of what you are capable of.

I think you need (with the help of that wise counsel I mentioned earlier) to
1) Come to terms with the past and the bumps on the road of life
2) Identify what REALLY revs your motor (Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator, general aptitude tests, etc.)
3) Realize that there may be some moments of painfully boring, mundane crap on the way to achieving what is your best life you can live.

Have you considered helping your mom market her weaving?  You have very good communication skills, so by working on that, you're mutually benefitting one another, and sharpening your skills in the business environment while doing so.

Last, I know how corny alot of the "motivational" stuff out there can seem.  
I would really encourage you to read "Man's Search for Meaning" by Victor Frankl.
Frankl was a psychiatrist before getting dumped into a concentration camp, and observed that those who survived despite horrible odds understood that the one thing a human being ALWAYS has power over is their ability to choose how they respond to what happens to them in life.

Big world, still young & healthy, got skills-- The world's your oyster, bro.
Oh-- your sincerity in a cynical world will draw people like a magnet who will create opportunities and open doors for you.

Stay true to your own heart and Never Give Up.
I'm looking forward to seeing you soar.

Fig

...has left the building.

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« Reply #20 on: December 25, 2005, 10:13:51 AM »
Moondoggie +1. The Chinese say: A peasant will stand on the top of a hill for a very long time with his mouth open,
before a roast duck will fly in. Just get off your ass and do SOMETHING. I grew up in a house the size of a doublewide, I didn't get a car until I was 19, my Mom still works nearly minimum-wage jobs, and on and on and on. But throughout it all, I got through it. I started working when I was 12 or so stacking hay bales, then I worked as a tech/sales in a guitar shop (which paid $5.15/hr), I worked at a bank as a teller/retail relationship person to put myself through college because my parents couldn't afford it...and here I am, with a large surplus of cash every single month working in the commercial department of a very large bank, as a manager. Do I think I'm special? Hell no. MILLIONS of Americans have come from nearly nothing to make their own fortunes and I can guarantee you that the first step they ALL TAKE is to get off your ass and do something! I have confidence you can do it.

Oh and by the way, my friend worked at McDonald's in high school and he quit a job as a broker to go back. Right now he is on track to be a regional manager. After that he will have his own franchise come hell or high water.

Antibubba

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« Reply #21 on: December 26, 2005, 06:08:57 PM »
Prescription drugs are not a crutch-they're the prosthetic limbs for those of us without.
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.

USP45usp

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« Reply #22 on: December 26, 2005, 06:22:06 PM »
No offense Cheesy.

Over 7 years and counting.  The reason that I've been banned from FFF as well as THR, and one or two others.

Just something that you have to contend with, overcome, and destroy.  The destruction can be obtained in two ways, negative, or postive.

Negative will eat you alive, and it will destroy you from within.  The hate, the anger, the hatered for your fellow man..... will give you nothing until you act upon it.  Or worse yet, you act upon it and take your own life.. that is unacceptable.

Or you can take this, build upon it, and make it your friend.  A hated friend that you can't disallow, a friend that will be with you for all times and be by your side.  It will help to get you want you want, in any way possible short of using it for bad.  

It will give you the strenght that you need/want, it will give you the want to go toward your goals, and it will allow you to do what you must, to get it.

Or you can just use it for what you want, and still be civil and understanding to those that don't wish to do much with their lives.  You can use it to mold, guide, and inspire.  You can use it to run full steam ahead but to be human while you go about it.

Right now, it's your choice on what you want to do with this.  It's a gift, the feeling and the want.  It will get you want you want, take what you don't wish to want, or enable what you want to come true.

From the same feelings I got what I wanted, hated what I got, got out, became even more like you are, got to this point in time, and even though I don't trust a dang person or the world, am learning what I want once again.

We all have our obstacles(sp), we all have our dreams, and we all have our failures.  Yet what will we allow to run our lives, our failures or our accomplishments.  Sometimes both run hand and hand, our failure in ourselves turns out to be our greatest accomplishment.  Sometimes what we see as a failure is a blessing.

You're going to be fine my friend, you're going to be fine.  Think it through, don't blame one thing or the other, just set what you want, and go for it.  Anything you want is at your fingertips, just be careful what you want, you may get it, and it may not be what you thought it would be.  But you will do fine, I have no doubt about that.

Wayne

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« Reply #23 on: December 28, 2005, 07:03:30 AM »
Inspiration---Find a mentor. Someone to spend some time with that you admire. He may be in a profession that you are interested in , or have a hobby that turns you on. Seek this person out. He will be an older  person, smart ,independent, successful. (not nessesarily weathy)  This person is not going to be just hanging around. He is going to be busy. And he will make time for you, if he thinks you are worth it.

Work-- doing anything well is a reward. It pays a hidden benefit to your self. You may be one of those people who cannot work for someone else. If so, you will have to work 10 times harder.
  REMEMBER THIS-- everytime you do a job, you are training yourself!  You can train yourself to do a good job , or you can train yourself to not give a damn, it's up to you.
  AND THIS-- there are always days when nothing seems attractive or pleasant- the words that help me- From Richard Marcinko- " I know you don't want to do it-- do it anyway!" This is my mantra when I have an unpleasant task to perform.

  If money is the big problem on a day to day basis, get any daytime  job you can, at night use your web skills and sell your mom's work. As a matter of fact, try to take all the biz end off her shoulders so she can have more time to produce.  I make and sell high end craftwork for a living and know a bit about this. And I know a bit about working two or three jobs. Sometimes you just have to work your ass off, it's just the way it is.
 
  PS- find somebody who can help you fix the furnace.

Chris

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« Reply #24 on: December 28, 2005, 07:27:13 AM »
Antibubba is right.  For many, prescription drugs, when used approrpaitely and under a doctor's supervision, can mean the difference between life and death, literally.