Woodworking and the DIY bug

[Hutch]

For any of those who have experienced, is a late-in-life outbreak of the DIY bug like the urge to exercise (lie on the couch until it passes) or like malaria (it gets in your blood and resurfaces regularly)?

I've never been what you would call "handy", but not a complete (yet) imbecile.  This all came about after my latest relocation/home purchase, which brought with it an unfinished outbuilding and a house too small for my gunhobby.    I am spiralling out of control, having spent more in home-improvement stores in the last few months than I have on ammo in the last few years.  Is this going to pass?  or will I be building a shrine to Norm Abrams (New )@(#* Workshop) to replace the one to Elmer Keith?  I sat down last night and composed my "thoughts" on this and am posting it below.

Observation from a new DIYer

Lowes/Home Depot are staffed by the illiterate cretin Minions of Darkness

1)   Big box home improvement stores (Lowes, Home Depot, Ace) are staffed by people who have no familiarity with the uses to which any of their products should be used.
2)   They find much more pleasure in the company of each other than they do with you.
3)   They are generally unfamiliar with their inventory and store layout, and will quite firmly misdirect you to a spot a quarter of a mile away from the desired object.
4)   If you encounter a store employee who seems to contradict 2 and 3 above, they will be vastly overcommitted to 3 or 4 desperate shoppers, each competing with the others for the attention of the clerk
5)   This person will make their only mistake of the month when they advise you about electrical components.
6)   Needed articles will be sold in quantities that are inconvenient or unsuited to their purpose.


Some assembly required

1)   It is possible to completely ruin a kit or artifact in the process of removing it from the packaging.
2)   The instructions for the kit will be written by ESL students in the country of origin, usually one with a big grudge against the US.
3)   These instructions, which were translated from Pakistani or Hindi by the students noted above, require the use of tools not common in the USA, and may will use a systems of weights and measures unfamiliar to the reader.
4)   The contents of the kit, and the design of the product is likely to have revised, while the instructions are not.
5)   Plastic parts which must snap together to form something useful will not hold together, unless they are misaligned, in which case it will be impossible to separate them without breaking them.
6)   The likelihood of a parts omission is inversely proportional to the availability of a suitable substitute or replacement.  Try to find a seven-sided 13.5mm trunnion washer at a big box store.  If they have it, youll have to buy a 10-pound box of them.
7)   The finished product will not resemble the picture on the box, and you will not look like the model who advertised it, especially after the assembly is complete.

Measure once, cuss twice

1)   Not all the swearing, tears or prayers at your command will lengthen a board be even a millimeter.
2)   Notes that you dutifully wrote to yourself regarding the project will be of no use to you, once the truck is unloaded.  Just like in war, no plan lasts past the point the first shot is fired.
3)   No matter how long you have schemed, plotted, measured, counted or marked, the plan will have to be drastically revised in mid-stream, usually after the most expensive component has been deployed.
4)   Stud finders are the spawn of Satan.  They lie.  They will find a water pipe, or sometimes a particularly thick electric cable or gas line as easily as a stud.
5)   Some walls in your house or garage have no studs in them whatever, while others consist of solid 2x4 construction, covered w/ Sheetrock
6)   As soon as the part or object has been tediously positioned and held in place by your sweaty, nicked up and cramping hand, you will discover that the tool you need is out of reach.
7)   If even one tiny metal fastener, nail or screw is unaccounted for, your wife will find it stuck in the sidewall of a $125 tire.  At the mall.  On the day after Thanksgiving.
8 )   Norm Abrams (of The New &%^$#@*& Workshop) will roast in the unending flames of Hell.  This is part of the bargain he made with the Devil to allow him to produce the things on his show.
9)   The Devil himself has suborned the Dewalt, Makita, and Delta companies, along with Porter-Cable and Ridgid Power Tools to provide Norm with tools completely different from the ones they palm off on us suckers.  This can be the only explanation for the different results I get from my efforts.
10)   When working on a cramped space, the object you move out of the way will again be in the way within 30 seconds.  Most of these objects are heavy and have sharp corners, or will catch your foot as you are operating a circular saw.
11)   It is not possible to cut plywood according to the plans shown in the handyman magazine.

I will continue to add to these observations as I feel led to.

[Manedwolf]

Also to add:

Most damage that has to be undone by the buyer of a house was done by the previous owner's "do it yourself" projects.
This can range from crookedly hung cabinets to miswired lighting fixtures, from blopped-on coats of paint to serious compromises to the structural integrity of the home.

This is often revealed in one of the most-often said statements by the purchasers of the house, a few weeks later.
"What were they thinking?!"

 

A couple of examples in particular I've seen in friends' houses:

1. Apparently, running a 1970's-type extension cord inside a wall is a suitable subsitute for Romex. 

2. When placing a new high-wattage fan and light in the ceiling, why bother running new wire when there's already disused 1920's post-and-bolt tarred bare wire and ceramic insulators up there to reconnect and use? 

3. If you don't like wallpaper, just paint right over it, with lots and lots of coats of paint.

4. When anchoring an item to a wall, never use a molly and screw when a massive bolt of sufficient length to actually compromise the outside wall will suffice.

[Brad Johnson]

Stud finders are the spawn of Satan.

HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! .... giggle ... *snark* ... HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

 


By the way - if you are getting the DIY bug, especially around the garage, you need to brush up on your terminology:

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is now used as a divining rod to locate extremely rare and exceedingly expensive automotive parts located somewhere near the object we are actually trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to slice open cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops, tonneau covers, and air hoses.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor pan &. just above the rear brake line.

PLIERS: A member of a family of tools designed to round off bolt heads.  Can also be used to create blood blisters and small lacerations that resemble the bite marks of rodents.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.  It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion.  The more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: A member of the same family of tools as pliers (see above), these may also be used to crush brake line fittings and irreplaceable 50-year old carburetor parts.  If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the socket drawer (What wife would think to look in  there?).  In some cases, a torch may also be used for the express purpose of dripping large globs of molten metal through the top of your tennis shoes just above your big toe.

ZIPPO LIGHTER: Used to light your oxyacetelene torch since lighter fluid is cheaper than striker flints.

SOCKET WRENCHES: Used mainly for hiding six-month old packs of cigarettes from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.  Also used as an absolute last resort to make sure that bolt  heads are truly and permanently rounded off.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands and smacking you in the chest with it, thus causing you to fling your beer across the room where it will land on, and drain completely into, your new Sears ¾ HP bench grinder.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then flings them somewhere under the workbench at exactly 687 mph. Also effective for the speedy and painful removal of fingerprints and those hard-earned guitar calluses.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, thus trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel fragments.  Can also be used to fish carburetor bolts out of intake manifolds.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack, a 2x4, an extra pack of smokes, or some longer tweezers.

GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise, but used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boots.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool used to permanently plug bolt holes.  Developed in a secret NASA lab, these are made of a metal thats ten times harder than any drill bit known to man.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prying tool.  For some unknown reason, Sears has chosen to accurately machine a screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.  Doesnt that seem strange?

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. It is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its proper name is somewhat misleading.  It is sometimes called the slang term of drop light.  We have determined that this is actually a much better term as it accurately describes what normally happens with the unit shortly after you get it positioned in just the right spot to perfectly illuminate the job area.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that uses energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away to compress air that will travel by flexible hose to an impact wrench that will be used to snap off the one bolt that no one has in stock.

CREEPER: Often incorrectly identified to be a device used in medieval torture, it is now known that this is actually a thinking machine developed by space aliens.  It accomplishes its task by moving the user slowly away from the hazardous work area, thereby keeping the offending area just out of reach.

IMPACT WRENCH: As its name implies, this device wrenches itself away from your grasp shortly before it impacts the bridge of your nose.  Can also be used to send bits of broken bolt, chunks of grease, or globs of mud and oil directly into the human eye.  Most effective if used in conjunction with a CREEPER and a TROUBLE LIGHT.

CHERRY PICKER: A device used to test the tensile strength of vacuum lines, gear linkages, and expensive electronics connections.  Properly positioned, it can also be used to quickly and unexpectedly remove unwanted skin from ankles.

ORBITAL POLISHER: While developed by the Chinese as an automated soup stirrer, this tool can also be used to quickly and easily burn through a $5000 custom paint job.

TORQUE WRENCH: A tool used to figure out the precise amount of force needed to snap off bolt heads.

There, that should keep you busy for a while...

Brad

[mtnbkr]

You left out aeresol brake parts cleaner: used to clean the seat of your pants after you forget it's location and squat over it while working on someone else's brakes.

Chris

[BrokenPaw]

Most damage that has to be undone by the buyer of a house was done by the previous owner's "do it yourself" projects.

I can certainly attest to this.  One of the projects in my current home was to remove the Pakistani-hut-grade wainscoting in the den.  It turns out that the den was not actually a den when the house was built; it was unfinished space, and the previous owner finished it himself.  Being the father of one urchin with another in the pipeline[1] he apparently decided that wainscoting would keep little fingers from getting smudges on nice white walls.

When we took the wainscoting down, we discovered that, because the electrical outlets were going to be fronted by wood, there was no actual technical requirement to have a nice neat hole in the drywall.  So everywhere where there was going to be an electrical box, he selected the appropriate tool:  Sledgehammer, Drywall Reconfiguration, For Use In.

Not a single one of those holes was less than 15 inches in diameter, all ragged and torn and in general a strain on my vocabulary.

In all fairness to that fellow, I have to say that I have discovered a valuable bit of knowledge, while recently sweating a new bit of pipe into the valve for my shower:

As counterintuitive as it may seem, it is, in fact, entirely possible to set fire to a bathtub.

I'll never do that again.

-BP

[1] so to speak

[Brad Johnson]

As counterintuitive as it may seem, it is, in fact, entirely possible to set fire to a bathtub.

I think I just found a new tag line!

Brad

[cosine]

Measure once, cuss twice

Sounds like me. I never learn. 

[BrokenPaw]

As counterintuitive as it may seem, it is, in fact, entirely possible to set fire to a bathtub.

I think I just found a new tag line!

Ah, immortality! 

Corollary to the above:  Wives get extraordinarily confused when you hurriedly hand them the propane torch and tell them, "Hold this, honey, I have to go extinguish the bathtub."

BrokenMa's eyebrows actually made an audible >plink< sound as they collided on her forehead.  She's very patient with me.

-BP

[mfree]

Ahhh, yes... the previous owner's goofs.

This house was built in the 50's... and quite well.

Then somebody hacked at it in the late 70's. Let's see....

-they blocked in a pantry. That's not strange in and of itself, but they wasted a 3'x4' space that had the access for the &^*&^* shower plumbing in it.

-my trim looks like toothpaste. There's roughly 8 layers of thick oil paint everywhere.

-The ceilings were plastered and textured. However, I think someone forgot to tell the drywaller that you've got to put mud *behind* all the drywall tape.

-When setting a new toilet, cutting out a section of one of the floor joists and piling rocks down to the foundation wall to hold the loose end up is not an acceptable solution.

-when you remove baseboard and ceiling resistive wire heating, please have the common courtesy to remove the control boxes with them. They're everywhere.

-Please explain why the little bricked in "tub" thingy under the washer outlets doesn't have a drain.

-I have two "mystery switches".

-While I figure that the basement wasn't originally there, I can't figure why whoever dug it out and created a stairwell chose to not build out to level and instead has some cheesy 70's fiber wallboard stuck to the wall where the middle bows out a neat half inch.

-I have determined that the heavy black marble that covers the walls in my bathroom is actually, indeed, lots and lots of reject COUNTERTOPS.

-I cannot seem to locate a local shutoff valve for the shower/tub anywhere. Anywhere. And there's no main valve that I can find either.

-My sump appears to be plumbed directly into the sewer line. That's... heh, that's a no-no.

-What genius decided to plant an oak and a maple tree each 3' from the edges of the foundation of the house, twenty years ago?

-Why does the vent for the island stove blow directly into the crawlspace under the kitchen?

I want to strangle whoever did all this. On the plus side, it's all mostly still working and did help lower the price of the place quite a bit...

[Brad Johnson]

-Why does the vent for the island stove blow directly into the crawlspace under the kitchen?

So the smell of burnt tuna casserole can be spread quickly and equally throughout the house ... and to thoroughly coat the underside of the home layer of grease-soaked organic fuzz which, as everyone knows, is an effective fire retardant.

Brad

[mfree]

Ah, that makes sense.

About as much sense as the bathroom vent dumping straight into the attic.

*grumble*

[Manedwolf]

There's roughly 8 layers of thick oil paint everywhere.

One of the quickest ways to make a house or apartment look absolutely cheap and cruddy is to have THICK PAINT everywhere, globbed on in layers, especially at corners, at windowsills, and around door jambs.

[roo_ster]

Our house was built in 1959.  Yeah, I spend a lot at HD & Lowes.

[Stickjockey]

Our house was built in '39, and "updated" in the '60's by someone. +1 to jfruser.

[RevDisk]

Ah, immortality! 

Corollary to the above:  Wives get extraordinarily confused when you hurriedly hand them the propane torch and tell them, "Hold this, honey, I have to go extinguish the bathtub."

BrokenMa's eyebrows actually made an audible >plink< sound as they collided on her forehead.  She's very patient with me.

-BP

I swear, WHO KEEPS LETTING YOU NEAR FIRE?

Thus far, you've burned up a bathtub, eyebrows, scruffy beard and a fair about of hair.   Did Ma take out a healthy life insurance policy on ya?

[BrokenPaw]

I swear, WHO KEEPS LETTING YOU NEAR FIRE?
Thus far, you've burned up a bathtub, eyebrows, scruffy beard and a fair about of hair.   Did Ma take out a healthy life insurance policy on ya?

You haven't even heard the story of the Storm Drain FAE, back from when I was but a wee bairn.

I don't believe Ma's got a policy on my head above and beyond that which I have through my company.  Although come to think of it, the "Dismemberment" part of the "Accidental Death and Dismemberment" section was highlighted.

Over the years, I've come to the realization that I must be more or less indestructible.  Because if I'm not, then there's no way I should have lived to reach majority, much less lived to past a third of a century.  Set on fire, stabbed, run through with a dart, fallen more ways than I care to count, fallen off a tree upside down with a running chainsaw in hand, hit by a bus...  I haven't been shot yet (and I'm not really looking to gain that particular credential).  But to date the only doctor-visit-level injuries I've sustained were a hairline fracture in a finger in the 7th grade, and a broken-off tooth in college.

Ma and I are considering writing down our lives and selling it as a sitcom.  The title of the show would be "Reason For Claim".

-BP

[crt360]

Set on fire, stabbed, run through with a dart, fallen more ways than I care to count, fallen off a tree upside down with a running chainsaw in hand, hit by a bus...  I haven't been shot yet (and I'm not really looking to gain that particular credential).  But to date the only doctor-visit-level injuries I've sustained were a hairline fracture in a finger in the 7th grade, and a broken-off tooth in college.

Have you ever woken to a meow sound and wondered where it came from? 

[Matthew Carberry]

There's roughly 8 layers of thick oil paint everywhere.

One of the quickest ways to make a house or apartment look absolutely cheap and cruddy is to have THICK PAINT everywhere, globbed on in layers, especially at corners, at windowsills, and around door jambs.

What do you think is holding those window and door frames in place?  Nails? 

[RevDisk]

You haven't even heard the story of the Storm Drain FAE, back from when I was but a wee bairn.

You owe me a swig of mead and a story, BP!

[BrokenPaw]

You haven't even heard the story of the Storm Drain FAE, back from when I was but a wee bairn.

You owe me a swig of mead and a story, BP!

You know perfectly well where the Grove is.  Ostara's coming, Beltane and Litha after that.  You're far more likely to get mead out of me if you actually show up to drink it.  And you know me well enough to know that if I'm sharing the mead, stories just...sort of happen. 

-BP

[RevDisk]

You haven't even heard the story of the Storm Drain FAE, back from when I was but a wee bairn.

You owe me a swig of mead and a story, BP!

You know perfectly well where the Grove is.  Ostara's coming, Beltane and Litha after that.  You're far more likely to get mead out of me if you actually show up to drink it.  And you know me well enough to know that if I'm sharing the mead, stories just...sort of happen. 

-BP

Ya, I should stop on by.  Maybe this time get some shooting in?  I got a Tikka you might like if you're a bolt guy.  I'm working on something "special".  I'm trying to decide whether to name it the "Diskie Saturday Night Special" or just "Vera".  It's the largest possible CCW ok weapon in PA.   

[Gewehr98]

I do a lot of woodworking.

Usually walnut, but sometimes birch and the occasional birdseye maple.

I keep my projects small, however.  Hence the black walnut here:



and the walnut/birch laminate here:



 

[Matthew Carberry]

That's nice work Gewehr.  Something to be proud of.

[J.J.]

Gewehr98 beats me.

Heck I was proud of the Crown sitting in the garage ready to be painted and cut. and the almost started medicine chest.   Not to mention the plans I have been drawing up for a built in bookshelf/computer desk.

But, Not anymore.

[Gewehr98]

It's weird. I can do rifle stocks with compound curves and action inletting until the cows come home, no sweat.  That 1903A4 restoration was a semi-inletted walnut blank before I got my grubby mitts on it, and it sports a red mahogany stain with 30 coats of boiled linseed oil - each coat taken down to the wood via steel wool until the grain was finally filled.  The finish is actually satin, the reflective sheen is from the Birchwood Casey stock wax. 

But when my wife wants a trestle table or bookshelf, I cringe in fear.  I cannot do joinery, mitre cuts, router shaping, or the like to save my posterior! I'd love to build a custom computer desk or two...

Someday I'll tackle that aspect of woodworking.  In the meantime, here's my 1906-vintage Remington Model 8, again with a walnut blank forend and buttstock lovingly shaped and finished by moi':