Oh, I've had a wonderful day, shopping for a replacement toilet and arranging for its installation. (I'd normally install the darn thing myself, but since my back surgery, I can't bend and twist like I used to, much less lift the sort of weight that these darn things are! It's actually going to cost more to install it than to buy it.)
So, yours truly walks into Lowe's and asks for directions to the "toilet aisle". Directions are duly given.
On arrival, I walk up and down the row, looking at this vast display of porcelain works of art. Some of them look like they were designed by chimpanzees on crack with delusions of grandeur, not to mention Great-Pyramid-of-Giza envy. Colors, contours, you name it...
The sales assistant arrives; a very pretty young thing (sex indeterminate), obviously hired for the holiday rush. "May I help you?"
"Yes, I need to buy a toilet to replace a cracked unit."
"Oh, we have such a marvellous selection for you here!"
"It's a toilet, not a work of art. I want function, not beauty!"
"But today your toilet says so much about you! What do you want your toilet to say to your friends?"
"If it says anything to them, they'll probably shoot the damn thing. I repeat - I want function, not beauty!"
"But that's so old-fashioned! Let me show you the new Kohler designer range... err, Sir?"
(This caused by my turning my back on the new Kohler designer range and walking down the aisle towards a heap of boxes marked "Toilet-to-go".)
"These boxes look to be on special, right?"
"Yes, only $79.99 for the whole thing, bowl, cistern, seat and all - but you don't want a nasty cheap thing like that. Here we have a nice avocado unit with..."
"Yes, and at six times the price. As you can see, I'm disabled. Would you please get me a flat cart to load one of these?"
"But they're so yesterday!"
"Yes, and so was my last bowel movement, which is why I want one of these today!"
That sort of ended the conversation right there...