Author Topic: Help a writer get a gun-related sentence right? (Read 5123 times)

Monkeyleg · « **on:** July 15, 2013, 09:23:21 PM »

I received the email below from the contact page on my site. I don't know Russian guns, so I don't know what to suggest for a word. I thought of "fresh", but that implies the character already expended some rounds, which may or may not be the case. Any ideas?

At least she's trying to be technically correct.

*********
Subject:

cartridge question

Comments:

I'm a fiction writer. I know next to nothing about guns. At present I'm working on a story which involves a rifle and I need a descriptive adjective in one particular sentence for the word "cartridge." The sentence is: "She loaded a _______ cartridge into the chamber." (It's a Russian sniper rifle that my fictional character is using.) I've already thought of and mentally rejected "brass cartridge" and "shiny cartridge." I am now considering "shell cartridge" or "centerfire cartridge" or "_____-tipped cartridge." Can I ask you how these sound to your experienced ear, and if you have any other suggestions you can offer me that would give my sentence some pizzazz?

Thanks for the help!

dogmush · « **Reply #1 on:** July 15, 2013, 09:31:38 PM »

It's a sniper rifle so maybe "handmade" or "hand loaded".

It's a Russian rifle so maybe "60 year old corroded and muddy"

If she wanted to geek out a little "olive drab steel cased cartridge" scrams Soviet 7.62x54R to me.

zxcvbob · « **Reply #2 on:** July 15, 2013, 09:40:16 PM »

Not every noun needs an adjective. If none really seem to fit, that's your answer.

Scout26 · « **Reply #3 on:** July 15, 2013, 09:56:26 PM »

New

Fresh

Handloaded

Factory

Shoulderwoomperthunderboomer

You're welcome.

K Frame · « **Reply #4 on:** July 15, 2013, 10:22:45 PM »

He loaded one of the sleek, sinister-looking cartridges into the action...

freakazoid · « **Reply #5 on:** July 15, 2013, 10:35:49 PM »

Quote from: scout26 on July 15, 2013, 09:56:26 PM

Shoulderwoomperthunderboomer

This.

Quote

He loaded one of the sleek, sinister-looking cartridges into the action...

And this.

Regolith · « **Reply #6 on:** July 15, 2013, 10:38:26 PM »

Quote from: zxcvbob on July 15, 2013, 09:40:16 PM

Not every noun needs an adjective. If none really seem to fit, that's your answer.

+1. Sometimes it's better to keep things simple. I'd say only add an adjective if it's necessary to the plot. Although, "fresh" or "new" would also be acceptable, in that order.

Fly320s · « **Reply #7 on:** July 15, 2013, 10:39:38 PM »

Female writer?

He put his massive, thick...

Oh. Sorry, wrong book.

MrsSmith · « **Reply #8 on:** July 15, 2013, 10:46:15 PM »

Would depend on her writing style. If she's looking for mainstream, new or fresh is probably what the editor's going to want.

If she's a wordsmith, she might say something like, "she slid another cartridge into the chamber" because even though it's a simple sentence, it shows action with a hard verb - slid, as opposed to loaded, which doesn't give a visual image to the reader unless they be gun folk. Snapped, slammed, might also work. An adjective isn't really necessary in that instance and will likely get cut in editing anyway.

Really pleased to see a writer wanting it to sound right with regard to guns. Rare.

RoadKingLarry · « **Reply #9 on:** July 15, 2013, 10:49:43 PM »

Evil, minority child killing cartridge

RocketMan · « **Reply #10 on:** July 15, 2013, 10:52:46 PM »

Quote from: MrsSmith on July 15, 2013, 10:46:15 PM

Really pleased to see a writer wanting it to sound right with regard to guns. Rare.

Yep, but then she'll go on to describe the aftermath of person being shot as them flying backwards 112 feet, doing four somersaults and having half their body blown away.

Perd Hapley · « **Reply #11 on:** July 15, 2013, 10:57:43 PM »

"She loaded a 7.62 caliber (or 7.62x54R caliber) cartridge into the chamber."

drewtam · « **Reply #12 on:** July 15, 2013, 10:58:10 PM »

Pass along this link, advice on writing guns from a best selling gun nut author.

http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2010/05/05/ask-correia-2-writing-gun-stuff/

Cliffh · « **Reply #13 on:** July 15, 2013, 10:59:30 PM »

An appropriate response might depend on her writing style. Is she an author who uses at least one adjective per noun? Is she writing this book using that style? Recently finished reading a novel in which the author used at least one adjective per noun, usually 2 or 3.

Maybe Another? But not knowing if she'd shot already or not...

"loaded a cartridge" doesn't sound bad.

"loaded a cartridge with his (the target's) name on it"?

zahc · « **Reply #14 on:** July 15, 2013, 11:03:19 PM »

I would either go with bare "cartridge" or specify the actual caliber.

I.e. "loaded a cartridge" or "snapped in a round of .338 Lapua"

Brad Johnson · « **Reply #15 on:** July 15, 2013, 11:12:19 PM »

Rather than spiffing up the term for cartridge, why not focus on wratcheting up tension in the event sequence instead?

Brad

Perd Hapley · « **Reply #16 on:** July 15, 2013, 11:23:15 PM »

Quote from: drewtam on July 15, 2013, 10:58:10 PM

Pass along this link, advice on writing guns from a best selling gun nut author.

http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2010/05/05/ask-correia-2-writing-gun-stuff/

Found this buried in the comments:

Quote

9mm’s are designed to kill civilized Europeans while .45′s are designed to kill grizzly bears

Hawkmoon · « **Reply #17 on:** July 15, 2013, 11:26:54 PM »

Using an adjective like "new" or "fresh" for "cartridge" would only be appropriate as a follow-up to something pertaining to an old or stale cartridge. If the sniper had already fired one or more rounds and was REloading, then I'd pick "fresh." However, if she just hunkered down into her hide, or if her target just appeared, and she's getting ready to take her first shot, I don't think any adjective is needed or wanted. K.I.S.S.

If that seems too short, dress it up a bit by adding detail to the act of loading:

"Easing the bolt back to avoid the tell-tale 'snick' of the action as it cocks the firing pin, she carefully picked up one of the cartridges she had laid out in a neat row to the right of the rifle and slid it silently into the chamber. She slid the bolt home, again being careful to ease it over the rough spots in its travel so the noise wouldn't give away her position. Ready! Settling the butt stock into the vee of her shoulder, she rested her elbows on the frozen ground and slid her cheek onto the once-polished flank of the stock, tilting her head gently to align her eye with the axis of the telescopic sight jutting awkwardly off the left side of the rifle. There he was! Her quarry was finally in sight. She had to take a deep breath to calm the beating of her heart as she realized with every cell and every atom of her being that all her training had finally come down to this moment. ..."

She's obviously writing about one of the female Russian snipers in the siege of St. Petersburg. So the rifle has to be a Mosin-Nagant. They're long, they're heavy, and they're crude by comparison with a German Mauser, but they worked. Bolts were clunky and sometimes needed a bit of "persuasion" to open, so it would be entirely appropriate to add that bit of detail. The Russian sniper scopes were mounted on a bracket that attached to the left side of the action. IIRC, I think the scope itself was positioned left of center, to allow for bolt movement and ejection.

Have her read this: http://russian-mosin-nagant.com/sniper_9130.html

RocketMan · « **Reply #18 on:** July 15, 2013, 11:29:33 PM »

"match" would work in the strictly technical sense, but it brings along the need to explain what it is at some point.

AJ Dual · « **Reply #19 on:** July 15, 2013, 11:30:46 PM »

We need to know exactly WHAT Russian sniper rifle this is.

Is it a Dragunov? (In reality a DMR, not exactly a "Sniper Rifle" by western standards)

Is it a WWII or earlier Mosin Nagant with PU scope?

Is it a VSS Vintorez?

Is it a

Because if it's magazine fed, you don't slip individual cartridges directly into the rifle at all, you load a fresh magazine. If it's a bolt action, it may be fed by a stripper clip, or individually topped off.

What rifle it is would add credence to the writing. Is it an old Mosin Nagant, if the character is not .gov, and not some high-speed/low-drag paramilitary type, or affiliated with law enforcement, it would be reasonable the character may have one. They're old, relatively inexpensive, millions were made, and it's more likely someone would have one stashed away somewhere, especially in non-US countries where RKBA isn't respected or as pervasive.

She does not need to get overly slavish to the details to "get it right". "She pushed a fresh cartridge into the ancient Mosin Nagant sniper rifle's magazine and closed the bolt, chambering a round"

"She inserted a fresh magazine into the suppressed VSS Vintorez sniper rifle, and cycled the action."

Hawkmoon · « **Reply #20 on:** July 15, 2013, 11:39:09 PM »

Thank you, AJ, for showing me to be the idiot that I am. I'm so accustomed to shooting WW2 milsurps as single shots that I completely forgot the Mosin-Nagant had (and has) a magazine.

Monkeyleg · « **Reply #21 on:** July 16, 2013, 12:50:39 AM »

What I think I should do is direct her to this thread, and invite her to come back with other parts of her book that pertain to guns so we can help.

Matthew Carberry · « **Reply #22 on:** July 16, 2013, 01:12:12 AM »

She chambered a cartridge. It slid home with the finality of death. The death it would soon carry to her target.

-scene-

230RN · « **Reply #23 on:** July 16, 2013, 07:08:24 AM »

"fresh" will do.

HankB · « **Reply #24 on:** July 16, 2013, 08:31:47 AM »

"She loaded a _______ cartridge into the chamber."

If she had already fired a round, "fresh" or "new" will work, or even "nother" (to go with the existing "a")

If she hasn't fired yet, it doesn't need an adjective. If she wants to flesh it out out, refer her to Hawkmoon's post.

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Author Topic: Help a writer get a gun-related sentence right? (Read 5123 times)