Long suspended pipe over the leak, big bloody funnel at the bottom,
You mean that 60,000 PSI leak?
The one with more pressure coming out of it than a .454 casull round, pushing 55,000 gallons of crude upwards every day, or 2,500 gallons an hour, 41.6 gallons per minute or 2/3 a gallon per second?
That's 20 times the velocity of your shower's output... or twenty times greater volume in surface area. One of the two.
A big, bendy mile long tube ain't gonna stay in place over that.
How about blowing up a 15kt nuke on top of it?
I think this will be the ultimate solution. Fuse the ground solid underneath it and hammer it with the pressure of a nuke, or perhaps for political reasons (we do have that muslim commie hippie Obama in the White House, after all), we'll use a depth-rigged daisy cutter or MOAB device or other conventional explosive in amazingly high volume.