Was digging through some old stuff and came across this. It's been around for a while but it's still good for a laugh.
----------------------------------------
1) If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package because you're not picking anything up.
2) You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughters body, I will remove them by force.
3) I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trausers so loosely that they appear to be falling off. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all your friends are idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue so I propose a compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants 10 sizes too big and I will not object. In return I will ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter by fastening your trousers to your waist with my electric nail gun.
4) I'm sure you've been told that sex without using a barrier method of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate - when it comes to sex I am the barrier and I will kill you.
5) You may feel that in order for us to get to know each other we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues. Please do not do this. The only information I need from you is what time my daughter will be home. And that had better be early
6) I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow with the other girls. That is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my daughter you will do so until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
7) If you are standing in my front hall waiting for my daughter to appear and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh or fidget. If you want to be on time you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on make-up, a process that takes longer then painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of standing there looking stupid, do something useful like changeing the oil in my car.
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: A) Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer then a wooden stool. B) Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. C) Places where there is holding hands or happiness. Hockey games are ok, old folks homes are better.
9) Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where and with whom you are going, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
10) Be afraid. BE VERY AFRAID. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my agent orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean my guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit you car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and EARLY, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face in the window is mine.